The Story of Rosalie

Whew! Time flies, life happens and I find myself behind in all areas of life, including my blog. I started this as a means of helping me through the grief of no longer having my very special, sweet mom on this earth. However, I also recognize that God's fingerprints aren't just on the big things in life, nor just the hard things in life, but in and on every aspect of day to day living. So, my blog will continue to help me process my feelings concerning Mom's death, but will also be a record of God's fingerprints in many other areas of my life.

It has been on my heart lately to write about Rosalie's story. I hesitate some, for her sake. She has a right to some privacy concerning her struggles, but at the same time, it is a story of God's faithfulness and care, and I would like to share that with others. I hope as she gets older and grows in wisdom and grace, she would agree that if it can encourage someone it is worth the risk of sharing. For those of you reading this, please, please keep Rosalie's feelings in mind, as I'm sure you will.

Let me take you back in time. It is October. Rosalie is about 18 months old. Cameron is 5, Katie is 3 and I am 6 months pregnant with Natalie. Reid is hard at work, earning his PhD and working 50-60 + hours a week at his job. He has taken on the responsibilities of another employee who had to be let go and has not yet been replaced. Needless to say, he is barely hanging on, just doing what has to be done to make it through. I am trying to do life with a kindergartner and two toddlers and a super busy husband and being pregnant. This sets the stage for the beginning of a long, hard, yet rewarding road. As I write this, I know there are many who are on much harder journeys with their own children, and I commend them and have a huge respect and compassion for them. I guess God just knows what each person can handle, and as I've mentioned before, my "what I can handle" levels are pretty low. I'm not proud of it, and God is definitely growing me in this area. Thankfully He is allowing me to grow very slowly over a long period of time. :)

When she was 18 months old, I took Rosalie to the doctor with some concerns. She wasn't walking yet and I thought there may be a problem with her feet. The doctor asked me how many words she could say. I told him she mostly says "mama" with a few other words. He was a man of few words. :) He told me he was sending us to a developmental psychologist to have Rosalie evaluated. I wondered what that had to do with her feet! Well, I and my pregnant emotions took Rosalie to see the psychologist lady. After the evaluation, she told me that Rosalie, at 18 months old, had the physical capabilities of a 9 month old and the mental capabilities of an 11 month old. The diagnosis was Sensory Integration Dysfunction.

WHAT!?! I couldn't believe it! I mean, I could - I knew there was something not right, but.... what?! Why couldn't it just be her feet and we'd put braces on them for a while and she'd be fine? And what the heck was Sensory Integration Dysfunction!? To this day, it is still not very commonly known of by the general population. Basically it is a dysfunction in the way a person takes in and processes information through their senses. It can manifest itself in many different ways and on many different levels. I now understand this to be a brain development issue more than anything. For Rosalie, it meant that she had low muscle tone, wouldn't look anyone in the eye or speak to anyone but her immediate family, was very sensitive to noise, and basically wasn't learning the things toddlers her age should know. Other issues presented themselves as time went on, like tantrums for no reason, etc... but that will come out later in the story.

Well, thus started a year and a half of early childhood intervention. A sweet young speech therapist named Megan (or Mag-an as Rosalie called her) came to our house every week to work and play with Rosalie, and an occupational therapist came once a week to work with Rosalie on walking and other physical activities. Rosalie got glasses to help her see better, too. She learned to walk with a little miniature walker. It was very cute. I used to wonder what the neighbors thought of the cute little girl in the glasses using her walker with the hugely pregnant mommy walking beside her up and down the sidewalk. It was January when she finally could walk, albeit unsteadily, for a little ways at a time. We still had to carry her a lot.

In February, Natalie was born. Now I had 4 children, ages 5 and under, and a still very busy husband. AND I lived a thousand million miles away from any family! I struggled to keep it all together. Can you say post pardom depression? :) At the time I didn't recognize it for what it was, but looking back, I think that characterizes myself pretty well for that season.

So where are the fingerprints? Well so far, they are as follows...

* There was help for Rosalie's "condition"

* Our church family brought meals for over a month after Natalie was born.

* A lady from church who had no children of her own and lived just a few minutes away was a huge blessing to me during all this. She sewed beautiful dresses for the girls. She would come hold Natalie so I could give the other kids a bath without worrying about the baby. She would bring dinner at a moment's notice when I'd had a rough day and couldn't get it together. And she was just there to be an encouragement to me when I needed it.

* When Natalie was 6 weeks old, Reid had to go out of town for 4 days. A friend from church (who had a family of her own) came and stayed one of those nights with me while he was gone. Natalie had a cold and wasn't sleeping well due to her very stuffy nose. Stephanie sat up with her until 3 am so I could get some sleep. Oh yeah, there happened to be a tornado warning that evening. I was so glad Stephanie was there with me to help herd the kids into the tub and keep an eye on the news!

* I write this next fingerprint in all seriousness and with much gratitude. During a time of much marital stress, God kept Reid and I together. It was not an easy time in our marriage, and it sometimes wasn't pretty, but with God's help, we made it through! :) (It was during this time that my aunt told me to "Love your husband", which I mentioned in the last post.)

* One time when we had gone to Oregon for a visit, the ladies from church somehow got our house key and thoroughly cleaned the whole house for me. I was humbled beyond words - they folded piles of clothes, picked up my messes and the kids messes, stacked my papers neatly and made the place sparkle. What a blessing, embarrassing as it was.

Well, That's probably enough to chew on for the moment. The journey has just begun, but my fingers are tired, and I have a list of things awaiting my attention... laundry..... dishes..... cleaning, etc. I'll try to get back to this soon and not leave my story hanging!

And God Spoke

Have you ever felt like God was speaking to you? I mean not through scripture, but through a person, but like it wasn't the person speaking as much as it was God using that person for a microphone in a way so significant it only happens rarely. I have now experienced this twice in my life.

The first time I was in Lakeview at my Aunt Cindy's house. Her husband had died recently and I was visiting from Texas. Mom and the kids and I took a wonderful day trip from Klamath Falls to Lakeview to spend some time with Aunt Cindy and her kids. She had just finished showing us how she had decorated her bedroom. It was really cute and bright and cheery. As we walked out of her room, she grabbed my arm, drew me inches from her face, looked me in the eyes and passionately said "Love your husband!". There was an intensity in her eyes and a depth and annunciation in her voice that made me really take notice of her words. I can't really explain it, but I knew it was God using her as a microphone to send me an important message. At the time, Reid was in the middle of his PhD work, and we had four children ages 6 and under. We were also still processing the fact that our 2 year old daughter had significant developmental delays, and I was feeling very alone in working through that and just surviving with 4 young children (can you say post pardom depression?). Reid was just trying to survive working 50+ hours a week and doing PhD work, and getting little sleep. Needless to say, our life was a recipe for marital un-bliss. Thankfully that time in our lives was just a bump in the road, but what she said really hit home at that time. It made me re-evaluate how I was relating to Reid, and thus made me adjust my focus and behavior. I have never forgotten it.

The other day was a beautiful day. I had just arrived from walking the kids home from school and my precious neighbor Sharon (the garden lady :) ) stopped me to visit for a moment. She asked how we were doing - in reference to how we are handling Mom's absence. Then for some reason she asked me if I work part time. I told her no. I do clean house for Dad but just a few hours a week. I mentioned that I have been thinking about substitute teaching next year, now that my life looks a little different.

A year ago I still had Natalie home for half a day, and so far this year I had spent much of my day time helping or spending time with Mom and Dad. With Mom gone, life has felt a little empty. A lot empty, actually. I will not rush into anything, and am taking time to dwell in this place for a while, but the question of what next/now is in the back of my mind. I'm trying hard to be open to whatever the Lord may have for me, just waiting and listening, not rushing and doing. Through my Bible study on Esther, I am seeing Mom's death as a pivotal point in my life, and that God may use her departure as a means of redirecting my path in some way. I'm just not sure yet what that looks like.

Back to Sharon. As we talked, she looked at me with that same intense look I remember from Aunt Cindy, that same passion in her voice. I was breathless as she spoke, recognizing that here it was again. The Lord... using a godly woman as his microphone. Sharon told me that there is nothing more honorable or better that I could do for my family than to continue to be a stay at home mommy and wife. She said she understands that it may mean doing without things that other people have or get to do, but that there is so much more value in being there for the kids than in having more stuff, or a bigger house, or going on "neater" vacations. Funny - those were some of the things that appealed to me when thinking about the extra income we'd have if I substituted. (Not the more stuff part, but an addition on the house with a master suite and a bonus room, and some vacations besides camping and the very occasional bigger trip.) This time it wasn't a simple one sentence word from the Lord. And it wasn't necessarily a certain thing she said, as much as the many things she had to say about the value of staying at home even in a world where careers and prestige seem to take precedence over simplicity and stay home mommies. But I still recognize it as God speaking to me. As I look back on my life, that has always been my first and foremost purpose. I have always wanted to be a stay home mom and wife, to make my home a haven for my family, to care for them the best I know how, and not to fill my plate in such a way that I would not be able to carry out that purpose. For me, that means pretty much full time being at home (except of course for Bible study, volunteering at the school, and working for Dad). Whenever I start to do much more than that, I get stressed out and grumpy and am NOT a good wife or mommy! :) I must have a low stress tolerance. :) Besides, with the kids food allergies complicating my menu making, grocery shopping and meal making, spending 5-7 hours a week doing developmental therapy stuff with Rosalie (thank you REACH Family Institute!!!!! http://reachinstitute.org/ You have made such a huge difference in Rosalie's life!), and helping with homework and activities for 4 children, I already feel like I have plenty of work to keep me busy!

Don't get me wrong. I know that some moms need to work just to make ends meet, and God calls some moms to make a difference in the career world, and still others might just pull their hair out if they were home all day :). This post is just about me and my calling, and the Lord speaking to me in a very personal way through a messenger. And who knows? Maybe this is just for now, and someday I will feel led to work outside the home, but for now, I think God is telling me that what I am doing is OK. In fact, He is telling me that what I am doing right now is honorable and of great value and that this is what His path for me looks like for now. May I do it well, and in a manner pleasing to my Lord and Savior. And may I always be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

Bear with me here.....

When I was 14 years old, Mom took me to this place in Lake Oswego called The Difference where they help you figure out what colors look good on you (whether you are an Autumn, Winter, Spring or Summer), help you pick complimentary make up colors and show you how to apply it well. These days they also help you know what styles of clothing flatter your body shape, and many other things as well. I have bought my cosmetics there ever since I was 14, minus just a few years in Texas when I decided it was silly to keep ordering it from there and paying shipping. Besides I had this wonderful friend who I could buy Mary Kay from right there in Dallas! What does this all have to do with anything?!..... I know you are asking! :)..... Hang on just a little longer.... When we moved back to Oregon, I went back to The Difference - yep, it's still there. Even some of the same lovely ladies work there. I got all new make up, and have been buying it there ever since. They also carry fun jewelry and some clothes. It's always fun to go in there. They know me, and they knew Mom. (Ahh, here's where it will all start to make sense. :) ) Over the last year, every time I go in there, they have asked about Mom and how she is doing. Many of them had been praying for her, and also prayed for my Aunt Pam who went through the leukemia experience a couple of years ago. (Yep, they know her, too!) Well, I have been needing to replenish my supply of a certain product they carry, but have been putting it off, knowing it would be a painful reminder, and that the ladies would probably ask about Mom. Yesterday I finally decided I couldn't live without my certain product any longer. :) I braced myself and went to The Difference. And yep, they asked how Mom was doing, and yep, I lost it right there in the store, and yep, the kind lady named Maggie gave me a long hug and told me how sorry she was. She told me she had lost her mother when she was 25 years old and her baby girl was just 10 days old. Wow! How hard that must have been for her! A reminder to me of being blessed to have so many wonderful years with my mom, and for my kids to have the chance to know her. So after being mostly fine for about a week, I left The Difference in tears and cried as I drove two exits down the freeway to Costco. Good thing I didn't have a wreck! :) I knew that going into that fun little shop would trigger the sadness gland, and even that it might make me cry, but I didn't quite expect it to be so hard. Oh well, it's good to cry now and then, and how fun to have that place full of memories with Mom - she loved the jewelry there! Maybe I should just buy myself some new jewelry every time I go in there in memory of Mom. Just kidding - maybe. :) (One miscellaneous ramble down, two to go.)

This next ramble is kind of weird, but I hope it makes sense to at least somebody. When I told my brother Kevin about it, he kind of laughed at me. That was just fine, because it IS kinda weird. I told him that it hit me that day that Mom won't ever be around again. See.... weird. :) I think what I was getting at though is that the permanence of her absence is becoming more real as the weeks go by. She won't be here ever again. And of course I knew that before, but the ramifications of it will be new and felt deeply every time there is another first. And as the years go by, I know her absence will be very clear at many a family event, a milestone reached by her grandchildren, and even her children, and even just in the day to day living.

Ramble number three.... GOD IS GOOD! And that ain't no ramble, folks! :) At the risk of sounding very self centered and vain here I will share something that has been on my heart lately. Mom was probably just about my greatest cheerleader. (What Mom isn't?) She was full of praise for me, and for all of us kids. She would often tell me she thought I was pretty, or that she liked my outfit, or my hair, that I was/am a good mother and wife, that she liked the way I painted such and such a room, etc. (You get the idea..) OK, here's the shocking selfish part... one day when she was sick, I actually asked her who was going to tell me that my hair was pretty when she was gone (She had just told me that, so it wasn't a random question). She laughed and told my dad he'd better keep up the praise. :) The reason I said that God is good up in that first sentence is that even though He doesn't have to, even though it may be a vain desire I have to be praised (or perhaps that I'm a 'words of encouragement' love language type person) God has sent people to fill in the gap for Mom in the praise department. :) A friend will tell me that she likes my hair on a given day, another friend recently told me what great kids Reid and I have, and a lady at The Difference said my coral colored shirt looked wonderful on me. I don't know if I just didn't hear those things before, or if they stand out more now that my main cheerleader is gone, but God has made it evident to me that He even cares about my desire for praise enough to send little showers of blessed praise my way through other people; sometimes even people I don't even know.

Oh my gosh! I have totally laid myself wide open bare for all the world to see! But if it helps even one person to see the goodness of God, to understand how deeply and intimately he loves His children, then I suppose it's worth the risk. Hope you love me anyway!

On the brighter side, things are going pretty well around here. We are enjoying spending time with Dad and my brother Kevin, who is living with Dad. Just today Dad helped me with a little tiny home improvement project (which I will not name as Reid is out of town and it's a surprise for when he comes home. That way if he reads this before he comes home, the surprise won't be ruined. :) ) It was fun to have Dad around, and to "help" him with my little project.

I had a "ladies night in" at Dad's house the other night. :) Dad was visiting my brother Mark and his family in Eugene, so I kicked Kevin out of the house for a Friday evening (sorry Kev!)and had some church ladies over to play games, eat goodies and chat. I viewed it as a mini retreat for those of us who could not attend the church retreat that weekend. It was lots of fun. One friend commented after looking at photos that it seems like I've had a happy life. I sure have. I hope I never take that for granted, and once again it was a reminder (from God probably :) ) to be thankful for the family I grew up in, and for all the wonderful years with Mom. Now they will still be wonderful years, but the memory making will just look a little different.

The cherry blossoms and daffodils are cheerful reminders that spring is close! The frogs in the pond across the street serenade us to sleep every night, though a bit loudly. :) The air is warmer, the sun shines more often and the days are longer. The Winter is over and it's time for new life, new beginnings, a new season. Just like life. Bring it on, Lord, bring it on!

A "Chit Chatty" Letter To Mom

Hi Mom!

I read a friend's blog yesterday. She had written a letter to her son who died in her arms moments after he was born. I can't imagine that kind of heart ache, can you? Anyway, I thought writing you a letter would be a great idea.

I sure missed you this last weekend! I gave Natalie a tea party birthday party for her and her friends on Friday afternoon. We used my china and my teacup collection and my nice stainless. I even had daffodils from our yard to put on the table! I made ribbon sandwiches, deviled eggs and a fruit tray. I think the whole fancy thing was lost on the girls, though. They were a pretty wild bunch. Even Natalie said the girls were too wild for her liking! :) Katie had a hard time missing you that night. Having a tea party reminded her so much of you, your love of pretty things and how we talked about having tea parties now and then since you'd be up here. She said she imagined you sitting next to Nattie with a cup of tea in a pretty tea cup. I had a dream that night that you WERE there, and that you enjoyed every minute of the tea party, and helped me set up and plan things for the girls to do. I believe that was God, letting me know that you saw, you enjoyed and maybe even had a cup of tea in a fancy teacup right at that time to be part of the party. :)

Saturday was cousin Rosalie's baby shower. Katie made a burp cloth and I made a towel and blanket. Rosie and Nattie had little gifts too. We took a gift from you, because you so loved attending the showers and celebrations of all our extended family. It was a beautiful sunny day. I let the girls pull out their Easter dresses "just this once" to wear. They all looked so pretty! The drive to Corvallis is one of my favorite drives, and I thought how you would have ridden along with us and how we would have had such a fun visit on the way there and back. Instead, I listened to the girls chatter in the back seat, and we had some fun conversations about the signs of Spring, and how we could see the 3 Sisters, Mt. Jefferson and Mt. Hood all at once. The sunset on the way home was gorgeous, and we talked about how God paints such lovely sunrises and sunsets. So, even though you were not physically with us, the ride and conversation with my pretty princesses blessed me. I was encouraged to be making and thinking of new memories we will create in this new life without Mom/Nana.

Cameron went on a ski trip with the youth group this last weekend. He snowboarded. He said it was fun, but he is SO sore! :) I almost quoted one of Dad's favorite sayings..."Those who dance must pay the fiddler", but decided his aching bod was doing enough to remind him of that! :)

Sunday night we had Dad and Kevin down to our house for a belated birthday dinner for Natalie. She chose Bruschetta chicken, spinach salad and cherry jello with applesauce in it. It was a yummy dinner and we topped it off with strawberry cake and ice cream. She opened presents and we watched some Olympics. It is fun to have Kev and Dad for dinner. I have invited them down about once a week since you've been gone.

Reid has been such a blessing to me lately. Not only is he my husband and my best friend, he is now also taking on the role of best girlfriend - at least for now, since you are not here. :) He's doing a great job of it, too, I must say! :)He has been a great listener, and is very understanding of my grief and my joy and the whole jumble of feelings I have with this brand new experience of living life without Mom. However, no one will ever quite fill your shoes, Ma.

It's Springtime! Or at least close. :) The daffodils are in bloom and the crocuses by my front door are peeking their pretty purple heads up. The Daphne by my front door is so fragrant! One can smell it all the way out at the street! My rose bushes, and yours too, have new growth on them. The cherry trees all over town are budding pink and white blossoms. You would have loved seeing all the Springtime color and growth! I can just hear you exclaiming over all the flowers and tree blossoms.

Cam will be home from school soon. I think I'll go start a load of laundry and make some chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies before he walks in the door.

I love you, Mom. I miss you so much. You were such a special lady. I'll see you soon, for as 2 Peter 3:8 says "....With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day." I'm sure I will write more letters to you. In a way it helps to be able to share the little things with you this way.

Loving you!
McSween :)

A Cold, A Card, and a Calling....

....and a rose bush, but that didn't start with "C".

A Cold....

A couple of days after Mom died, I got a nasty cold. A "lasts four weeks need antibiotics to get rid of it" kind of cold. This week I am finally feeling like myself again. I call it one of God's fingerprints; a blessing in disguise. Why? Well, I'll tell you! :) I got sick for a few days back in August. The rest of the family was sick for a week and a half. Once school started it seemed like I had a sick kid home at least every couple of weeks if not more. Then in October, the kids and Reid got very sick. I think it was the dreaded Swine Flu. They all had high fevers, body aches, fatigue, headaches and sore throats. A couple of them even had upset tummies. They were sick for two weeks. But guess what? I didn't get even one symptom! After that I still have had sick kids quite a bit. My constant prayer and prayer request for others to pray was that God would keep me well so that I might be able to spend time with Mom and be able to help out up at their house while she was sick. If I hadn't caught a cold right after she went to be with Jesus I'm not sure I would have recognized and appreciated the fact that He kept me well all those months even when there was sickness in my house. GOD IS SO GOOD!

A Card... (two actually)

There were a couple of cards recently that have lifted my spirits, or come right when I needed them. One was from a friend, Tanya, in Klamath, who put a card in the card basket at the memorial service. I just read it finally yesterday. In it she acknowledged how much Mom had meant to her. She also wrote about how she could imagine how hard this will be for me not to be able to share my kids milestones, weddings, etc., get motherly advice, and enjoy her sunny disposition. Painful to read, but I cannot explain the comfort it brings when someone understands the depth of our loss, and is not afraid to share in our grief. Thank you to all my family and friends for your part in sharing this load with my family. You are a very precious part of the process and I love you for participating with us.

Yesterday I went shopping for Valentine's Day cards for Reid, the kids and Dad. It was hard. I had to pick cards for "Dad" and "Grandpa", minus the "Mom" and "Nana". Ugh. :) On top of that there was this cute couple about my parents' age next to me chuckling and discussing which card they ought to pick for their grandson. Ouch. I barely made through Fred Meyer without losing it! :) Later in the afternoon, I went to help out at Katie's Valentine party at school. The other room mom, whom I have known since we first moved to Dundee and whose daughter is one of Katie's good friends, had stuck a card in the bag of party goods she had sent to the party. It was a sweet card offering to spend time with me or anything else I might need. Inside the card was a gift certificate to get my nails done!!! Maybe it sounds superficial of me, but it lifted my spirits to receive a pampering gift. :) I haven't had my nails done in years and am excited for such a treat! A well timed thoughtful note and gift. Thank you, Lord! :) And thank you, Anita.

A Calling....

Last week I began wondering what God would have for me now that my life has taken a drastic turn. See, the original plan when Mom and Dad moved up here was for Mom and I to have craft days, have lunch together, do our Costco shopping together, and in general hang out together. That's what best friends do, right? (I know that Mom had lots of best friends, and had some of those same plans with her other friends too!) Dad, if you're reading this, I'd love to do some of these things with you too, but I'm not sure how you feel about shopping and craft days. :)

So now I find myself with a considerably less full plate, though definitely not by choice. It causes me to wonder what God would have me do with my life now. Of course always at the top of my priorities has been and will continue to be serving God, caring for my family and making my home a haven. But I think there might be room for more. :) On Tuesday at Bible Study Beth Moore addressed just such a thing in her talk. I was so excited! I felt like she was talking right to me! We are studying Esther, and Beth was saying how Esther had faced a huge crisis in her life. She said that often we coast along in a life of comfort and ease and then God uses a huge crisis to pivot our heels and turn us in a new direction, toward the destiny He has designed for us. Hits home for me! I would have loved a life that included my mom in all the ways mentioned above and mentioned in that card from Tanya, and will so terribly miss her and her involvement in the lives of my kids and my family. Let's face it. It will be hard at best and even miserable at times. But I guess that means God has a different destiny for me. I have no idea what that might be, but I'm praying about it, am excited to see what He has for me and am waiting on Him to lead and guide me on this new path.

Oh yes! The rose bush! I almost forgot. A few days ago another friend brought me a rose bush to plant in our yard. She said it just seemed like a perfect thing to honor and remember Mom. Something beautiful that will bloom year after year and bring beauty and joy. Little did she know that roses were Mom's favorite flower, and that our family has a history of rose gardens. My Dad's dad died in his rose garden (at least I think that's right...). My mom's parents always had a rose garden. Mom and Dad planted at least one rose in most of the places they lived. There is even one they planted still living at the duplex where they lived in Corvallis while Dad went to grad school some 40ish years ago. Reid and I are carrying on the tradition. We had several rose bushes at our Texas house, and so far have four (soon to be 5 now!)planted in our front yard. Reid and the kids plant one for me every Mother's Day. So my friend unknowingly added to special memories and family tradition.

See how God is showing me daily the depth of His compassion? He cares so much for us. I am constantly warmed by His involvement in even the little things in my life. And by how many times in the last month He has carried me, and been God with flesh on through my friends and family.

Random Fingerprints

There are a few random fingerprints that have recently happened, but I haven't known how to incorporate them in my journaling. So instead I'll just make a post about them!

One day a week or so after Mom died, I was having a particularly hard day of missing her and grieving. That day there were 4 comforting cards in the mail, and a belated bouquet of flowers was delivered.

Another day, just recently, I said to Reid "Who is going to help me know all my flower names now that Mom is gone? She knew all the kinds of flowers and when and where to plant them." A few hours later here came my older neighbor from across the street with a card and plant-able flower in her hand. She told me the name of the flower (I think it's Cyclimen but I don't know how to spell it), and how and where to plant it. My family and I have enjoyed her beautiful backyard garden many a time, and she loves to have my kids just walk into her backyard any time they want. She told me that she knew she could never replace my mom in any way, but that if I wanted to join her for a cup of tea, a walk or some prayer time, she will be there for me. How sweet! I think I will take her up on her offer, and also ask her about flowers. I desperately need to know what will work in the flower bed under our front windows!

Today seems to be another one of THOSE days. Life is just weird without Mom around. Let's face it. It just stinks! I'd use stronger language, but we don't say s...u...c...k...s at our house. :)(See, I had to spell it so I wasn't actually saying it.) I was cleaning up at Mom and Dad's house this morning, and it seemed so quiet, so void of the cheerful presence of Mom, even though the essence of her is everywhere up there. Yesterday, we went up there to watch the Super Bowl. It was fun, but I missed Mom's shrieking, and though we had plenty of yummy snacks, there was no clam dip with Ruffles potato chips - her favorite. So I've been fighting the sorrow all morning. I know- not fighting it, just experiencing it more deeply today. So I get home after lunch, and there is this note on Facebook regarding my last post from a friend in Texas :

Because habits are things you wish you could rid yourself of forever, but family is what you want to remain forever (in-laws not withstanding). Free yourself to mourn. Grieve passionately and drink deep the sorrow. For the depths created by your anguish today, become the depths God fills with joy tomorrow. The deeper we allow ourselves to feel the sorrow, the deeper we will be able to feel the joy. It is a spiritual law. Just don't get lost in the depths. Remember to look up to the light, our hope, our Savior. While it is true that we do not mourn as those who have no hope, we mourn still....and a better mourning, for we have that hope. And ours is less a selfish mourning, though we will miss our loved one, but one of the loss the world will have for the joy and wisdom and love that one gave. Bless you guys! Carrie, you got this!

A fingerprint? You betcha! Thank you Paul. I really needed that today. :) God is good, and with the love and care of friends from all over I/we will walk through this gaining a depth we lacked before.

21 Days?

They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit. It's been 21 days + 3, and I'll just tell you... living without my mom is not ever going to become a habit! And I'm glad. See, Mom shows up everywhere, and will for a very long time to come. She's in this sunny day - "Whatchoo doing on this beautiful day?" - she would have said. She's in the prayers of my children, who still thank God at night for Nana (and Grampa too!). It's in the funny sayings and nick names we have - well, I won't go into that. It could be embarrassing. :) She's in the tiny new growth buds on my rose bushes, which she definitely would have noticed, and the four inch high daffodil shoots coming up in my yard. She's in my pot of chicken soup on the stove. Well, not really, but she did teach me how to boil a chicken carcass and make chicken soup out of it. She's in my recipe box, where half the recipes are in her handwriting, and are family favorites from my childhood. She's in my living room - the display of teacups and saucers we both have and love. She's in the pictures on my wall. She's in the mug I'm using for my cup of tea - specially picked by her for me. And she's in that lovely house up the hill, where all I have to do is walk in the door and the essence of Mom is everywhere. I find these things comforting: blessed reminders of a wonderful lady, and how much a part of me she was and is.

And these are just a few of the little reminders of who she was that will always be with me. I know she will show up in the deeper things of life too. Like my faith - I have her example to follow. My children - who share some of her personality likenesses and many memories with Nana. My Dad - who knew her better than anyone. My siblings who grew up with me - having the best Mom in the world (maybe you think yours was the best, but you gotta admit, mine was pretty special!) There are countless other ways I will find her and see her in the days, months and years to come. Yes, it is painful, but I'll take the pain that comes with the blessing of having had such a wonderful friend, mom, and influence in my life for so many years over not having her in my life at all. Thank you Jesus, for allowing me 38 1/2 years with such a wonderful Mom. I'm sorry there weren't more, but I'm grateful for the quality of the years we had.