The Story of Rosalie

Whew! Time flies, life happens and I find myself behind in all areas of life, including my blog. I started this as a means of helping me through the grief of no longer having my very special, sweet mom on this earth. However, I also recognize that God's fingerprints aren't just on the big things in life, nor just the hard things in life, but in and on every aspect of day to day living. So, my blog will continue to help me process my feelings concerning Mom's death, but will also be a record of God's fingerprints in many other areas of my life.

It has been on my heart lately to write about Rosalie's story. I hesitate some, for her sake. She has a right to some privacy concerning her struggles, but at the same time, it is a story of God's faithfulness and care, and I would like to share that with others. I hope as she gets older and grows in wisdom and grace, she would agree that if it can encourage someone it is worth the risk of sharing. For those of you reading this, please, please keep Rosalie's feelings in mind, as I'm sure you will.

Let me take you back in time. It is October. Rosalie is about 18 months old. Cameron is 5, Katie is 3 and I am 6 months pregnant with Natalie. Reid is hard at work, earning his PhD and working 50-60 + hours a week at his job. He has taken on the responsibilities of another employee who had to be let go and has not yet been replaced. Needless to say, he is barely hanging on, just doing what has to be done to make it through. I am trying to do life with a kindergartner and two toddlers and a super busy husband and being pregnant. This sets the stage for the beginning of a long, hard, yet rewarding road. As I write this, I know there are many who are on much harder journeys with their own children, and I commend them and have a huge respect and compassion for them. I guess God just knows what each person can handle, and as I've mentioned before, my "what I can handle" levels are pretty low. I'm not proud of it, and God is definitely growing me in this area. Thankfully He is allowing me to grow very slowly over a long period of time. :)

When she was 18 months old, I took Rosalie to the doctor with some concerns. She wasn't walking yet and I thought there may be a problem with her feet. The doctor asked me how many words she could say. I told him she mostly says "mama" with a few other words. He was a man of few words. :) He told me he was sending us to a developmental psychologist to have Rosalie evaluated. I wondered what that had to do with her feet! Well, I and my pregnant emotions took Rosalie to see the psychologist lady. After the evaluation, she told me that Rosalie, at 18 months old, had the physical capabilities of a 9 month old and the mental capabilities of an 11 month old. The diagnosis was Sensory Integration Dysfunction.

WHAT!?! I couldn't believe it! I mean, I could - I knew there was something not right, but.... what?! Why couldn't it just be her feet and we'd put braces on them for a while and she'd be fine? And what the heck was Sensory Integration Dysfunction!? To this day, it is still not very commonly known of by the general population. Basically it is a dysfunction in the way a person takes in and processes information through their senses. It can manifest itself in many different ways and on many different levels. I now understand this to be a brain development issue more than anything. For Rosalie, it meant that she had low muscle tone, wouldn't look anyone in the eye or speak to anyone but her immediate family, was very sensitive to noise, and basically wasn't learning the things toddlers her age should know. Other issues presented themselves as time went on, like tantrums for no reason, etc... but that will come out later in the story.

Well, thus started a year and a half of early childhood intervention. A sweet young speech therapist named Megan (or Mag-an as Rosalie called her) came to our house every week to work and play with Rosalie, and an occupational therapist came once a week to work with Rosalie on walking and other physical activities. Rosalie got glasses to help her see better, too. She learned to walk with a little miniature walker. It was very cute. I used to wonder what the neighbors thought of the cute little girl in the glasses using her walker with the hugely pregnant mommy walking beside her up and down the sidewalk. It was January when she finally could walk, albeit unsteadily, for a little ways at a time. We still had to carry her a lot.

In February, Natalie was born. Now I had 4 children, ages 5 and under, and a still very busy husband. AND I lived a thousand million miles away from any family! I struggled to keep it all together. Can you say post pardom depression? :) At the time I didn't recognize it for what it was, but looking back, I think that characterizes myself pretty well for that season.

So where are the fingerprints? Well so far, they are as follows...

* There was help for Rosalie's "condition"

* Our church family brought meals for over a month after Natalie was born.

* A lady from church who had no children of her own and lived just a few minutes away was a huge blessing to me during all this. She sewed beautiful dresses for the girls. She would come hold Natalie so I could give the other kids a bath without worrying about the baby. She would bring dinner at a moment's notice when I'd had a rough day and couldn't get it together. And she was just there to be an encouragement to me when I needed it.

* When Natalie was 6 weeks old, Reid had to go out of town for 4 days. A friend from church (who had a family of her own) came and stayed one of those nights with me while he was gone. Natalie had a cold and wasn't sleeping well due to her very stuffy nose. Stephanie sat up with her until 3 am so I could get some sleep. Oh yeah, there happened to be a tornado warning that evening. I was so glad Stephanie was there with me to help herd the kids into the tub and keep an eye on the news!

* I write this next fingerprint in all seriousness and with much gratitude. During a time of much marital stress, God kept Reid and I together. It was not an easy time in our marriage, and it sometimes wasn't pretty, but with God's help, we made it through! :) (It was during this time that my aunt told me to "Love your husband", which I mentioned in the last post.)

* One time when we had gone to Oregon for a visit, the ladies from church somehow got our house key and thoroughly cleaned the whole house for me. I was humbled beyond words - they folded piles of clothes, picked up my messes and the kids messes, stacked my papers neatly and made the place sparkle. What a blessing, embarrassing as it was.

Well, That's probably enough to chew on for the moment. The journey has just begun, but my fingers are tired, and I have a list of things awaiting my attention... laundry..... dishes..... cleaning, etc. I'll try to get back to this soon and not leave my story hanging!

And God Spoke

Have you ever felt like God was speaking to you? I mean not through scripture, but through a person, but like it wasn't the person speaking as much as it was God using that person for a microphone in a way so significant it only happens rarely. I have now experienced this twice in my life.

The first time I was in Lakeview at my Aunt Cindy's house. Her husband had died recently and I was visiting from Texas. Mom and the kids and I took a wonderful day trip from Klamath Falls to Lakeview to spend some time with Aunt Cindy and her kids. She had just finished showing us how she had decorated her bedroom. It was really cute and bright and cheery. As we walked out of her room, she grabbed my arm, drew me inches from her face, looked me in the eyes and passionately said "Love your husband!". There was an intensity in her eyes and a depth and annunciation in her voice that made me really take notice of her words. I can't really explain it, but I knew it was God using her as a microphone to send me an important message. At the time, Reid was in the middle of his PhD work, and we had four children ages 6 and under. We were also still processing the fact that our 2 year old daughter had significant developmental delays, and I was feeling very alone in working through that and just surviving with 4 young children (can you say post pardom depression?). Reid was just trying to survive working 50+ hours a week and doing PhD work, and getting little sleep. Needless to say, our life was a recipe for marital un-bliss. Thankfully that time in our lives was just a bump in the road, but what she said really hit home at that time. It made me re-evaluate how I was relating to Reid, and thus made me adjust my focus and behavior. I have never forgotten it.

The other day was a beautiful day. I had just arrived from walking the kids home from school and my precious neighbor Sharon (the garden lady :) ) stopped me to visit for a moment. She asked how we were doing - in reference to how we are handling Mom's absence. Then for some reason she asked me if I work part time. I told her no. I do clean house for Dad but just a few hours a week. I mentioned that I have been thinking about substitute teaching next year, now that my life looks a little different.

A year ago I still had Natalie home for half a day, and so far this year I had spent much of my day time helping or spending time with Mom and Dad. With Mom gone, life has felt a little empty. A lot empty, actually. I will not rush into anything, and am taking time to dwell in this place for a while, but the question of what next/now is in the back of my mind. I'm trying hard to be open to whatever the Lord may have for me, just waiting and listening, not rushing and doing. Through my Bible study on Esther, I am seeing Mom's death as a pivotal point in my life, and that God may use her departure as a means of redirecting my path in some way. I'm just not sure yet what that looks like.

Back to Sharon. As we talked, she looked at me with that same intense look I remember from Aunt Cindy, that same passion in her voice. I was breathless as she spoke, recognizing that here it was again. The Lord... using a godly woman as his microphone. Sharon told me that there is nothing more honorable or better that I could do for my family than to continue to be a stay at home mommy and wife. She said she understands that it may mean doing without things that other people have or get to do, but that there is so much more value in being there for the kids than in having more stuff, or a bigger house, or going on "neater" vacations. Funny - those were some of the things that appealed to me when thinking about the extra income we'd have if I substituted. (Not the more stuff part, but an addition on the house with a master suite and a bonus room, and some vacations besides camping and the very occasional bigger trip.) This time it wasn't a simple one sentence word from the Lord. And it wasn't necessarily a certain thing she said, as much as the many things she had to say about the value of staying at home even in a world where careers and prestige seem to take precedence over simplicity and stay home mommies. But I still recognize it as God speaking to me. As I look back on my life, that has always been my first and foremost purpose. I have always wanted to be a stay home mom and wife, to make my home a haven for my family, to care for them the best I know how, and not to fill my plate in such a way that I would not be able to carry out that purpose. For me, that means pretty much full time being at home (except of course for Bible study, volunteering at the school, and working for Dad). Whenever I start to do much more than that, I get stressed out and grumpy and am NOT a good wife or mommy! :) I must have a low stress tolerance. :) Besides, with the kids food allergies complicating my menu making, grocery shopping and meal making, spending 5-7 hours a week doing developmental therapy stuff with Rosalie (thank you REACH Family Institute!!!!! http://reachinstitute.org/ You have made such a huge difference in Rosalie's life!), and helping with homework and activities for 4 children, I already feel like I have plenty of work to keep me busy!

Don't get me wrong. I know that some moms need to work just to make ends meet, and God calls some moms to make a difference in the career world, and still others might just pull their hair out if they were home all day :). This post is just about me and my calling, and the Lord speaking to me in a very personal way through a messenger. And who knows? Maybe this is just for now, and someday I will feel led to work outside the home, but for now, I think God is telling me that what I am doing is OK. In fact, He is telling me that what I am doing right now is honorable and of great value and that this is what His path for me looks like for now. May I do it well, and in a manner pleasing to my Lord and Savior. And may I always be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

Bear with me here.....

When I was 14 years old, Mom took me to this place in Lake Oswego called The Difference where they help you figure out what colors look good on you (whether you are an Autumn, Winter, Spring or Summer), help you pick complimentary make up colors and show you how to apply it well. These days they also help you know what styles of clothing flatter your body shape, and many other things as well. I have bought my cosmetics there ever since I was 14, minus just a few years in Texas when I decided it was silly to keep ordering it from there and paying shipping. Besides I had this wonderful friend who I could buy Mary Kay from right there in Dallas! What does this all have to do with anything?!..... I know you are asking! :)..... Hang on just a little longer.... When we moved back to Oregon, I went back to The Difference - yep, it's still there. Even some of the same lovely ladies work there. I got all new make up, and have been buying it there ever since. They also carry fun jewelry and some clothes. It's always fun to go in there. They know me, and they knew Mom. (Ahh, here's where it will all start to make sense. :) ) Over the last year, every time I go in there, they have asked about Mom and how she is doing. Many of them had been praying for her, and also prayed for my Aunt Pam who went through the leukemia experience a couple of years ago. (Yep, they know her, too!) Well, I have been needing to replenish my supply of a certain product they carry, but have been putting it off, knowing it would be a painful reminder, and that the ladies would probably ask about Mom. Yesterday I finally decided I couldn't live without my certain product any longer. :) I braced myself and went to The Difference. And yep, they asked how Mom was doing, and yep, I lost it right there in the store, and yep, the kind lady named Maggie gave me a long hug and told me how sorry she was. She told me she had lost her mother when she was 25 years old and her baby girl was just 10 days old. Wow! How hard that must have been for her! A reminder to me of being blessed to have so many wonderful years with my mom, and for my kids to have the chance to know her. So after being mostly fine for about a week, I left The Difference in tears and cried as I drove two exits down the freeway to Costco. Good thing I didn't have a wreck! :) I knew that going into that fun little shop would trigger the sadness gland, and even that it might make me cry, but I didn't quite expect it to be so hard. Oh well, it's good to cry now and then, and how fun to have that place full of memories with Mom - she loved the jewelry there! Maybe I should just buy myself some new jewelry every time I go in there in memory of Mom. Just kidding - maybe. :) (One miscellaneous ramble down, two to go.)

This next ramble is kind of weird, but I hope it makes sense to at least somebody. When I told my brother Kevin about it, he kind of laughed at me. That was just fine, because it IS kinda weird. I told him that it hit me that day that Mom won't ever be around again. See.... weird. :) I think what I was getting at though is that the permanence of her absence is becoming more real as the weeks go by. She won't be here ever again. And of course I knew that before, but the ramifications of it will be new and felt deeply every time there is another first. And as the years go by, I know her absence will be very clear at many a family event, a milestone reached by her grandchildren, and even her children, and even just in the day to day living.

Ramble number three.... GOD IS GOOD! And that ain't no ramble, folks! :) At the risk of sounding very self centered and vain here I will share something that has been on my heart lately. Mom was probably just about my greatest cheerleader. (What Mom isn't?) She was full of praise for me, and for all of us kids. She would often tell me she thought I was pretty, or that she liked my outfit, or my hair, that I was/am a good mother and wife, that she liked the way I painted such and such a room, etc. (You get the idea..) OK, here's the shocking selfish part... one day when she was sick, I actually asked her who was going to tell me that my hair was pretty when she was gone (She had just told me that, so it wasn't a random question). She laughed and told my dad he'd better keep up the praise. :) The reason I said that God is good up in that first sentence is that even though He doesn't have to, even though it may be a vain desire I have to be praised (or perhaps that I'm a 'words of encouragement' love language type person) God has sent people to fill in the gap for Mom in the praise department. :) A friend will tell me that she likes my hair on a given day, another friend recently told me what great kids Reid and I have, and a lady at The Difference said my coral colored shirt looked wonderful on me. I don't know if I just didn't hear those things before, or if they stand out more now that my main cheerleader is gone, but God has made it evident to me that He even cares about my desire for praise enough to send little showers of blessed praise my way through other people; sometimes even people I don't even know.

Oh my gosh! I have totally laid myself wide open bare for all the world to see! But if it helps even one person to see the goodness of God, to understand how deeply and intimately he loves His children, then I suppose it's worth the risk. Hope you love me anyway!

On the brighter side, things are going pretty well around here. We are enjoying spending time with Dad and my brother Kevin, who is living with Dad. Just today Dad helped me with a little tiny home improvement project (which I will not name as Reid is out of town and it's a surprise for when he comes home. That way if he reads this before he comes home, the surprise won't be ruined. :) ) It was fun to have Dad around, and to "help" him with my little project.

I had a "ladies night in" at Dad's house the other night. :) Dad was visiting my brother Mark and his family in Eugene, so I kicked Kevin out of the house for a Friday evening (sorry Kev!)and had some church ladies over to play games, eat goodies and chat. I viewed it as a mini retreat for those of us who could not attend the church retreat that weekend. It was lots of fun. One friend commented after looking at photos that it seems like I've had a happy life. I sure have. I hope I never take that for granted, and once again it was a reminder (from God probably :) ) to be thankful for the family I grew up in, and for all the wonderful years with Mom. Now they will still be wonderful years, but the memory making will just look a little different.

The cherry blossoms and daffodils are cheerful reminders that spring is close! The frogs in the pond across the street serenade us to sleep every night, though a bit loudly. :) The air is warmer, the sun shines more often and the days are longer. The Winter is over and it's time for new life, new beginnings, a new season. Just like life. Bring it on, Lord, bring it on!