A Full Heart

The other day I sat reading Face Book status updates. A friend of mine had posted something so simple, yet it impacted me greatly. My friend Jeana had posted that she had just spent an hour cuddling in the hammock with two of her little guys gazing at the clouds and singing songs. I wondered when the last time I gazed at the clouds with my children was. I wondered when was the last time I had sat to play a game or read a book with them. Yes, I help with homework, chat at snack time, laugh and banter with them, and am always near. But lately I have felt like a Martha, and have been wishing I would be more of a Mary. (In the Bible there is a story of Lazarus's sisters Martha and Mary. Martha was busy preparing the house and working in the kitchen to serve Jesus, while Mary was at Jesus feet just listening and spending time with Him. Jesus said that Mary had chosen better.) There will always be another load of wash to do, dishes in the sink, my messy room that could use some cleaning, a thousand weeds to pull, and any number of tasks to take my time. But my children are fast growing up, and I wonder if I am missing opportunities to build a deeper relationship with them, to build into their lives, and just love on them while I have the time.

So as Reid and I went to bed last night, I shared my heart about this and we prayed that I would be aware of my time, use it wisely, and watch for times when I could have special moments with the kids. Again at Bible study today, I asked the ladies to pray that as summer approaches, I would be mindful of the needs of the kids, that I would enjoy them and spend time doing the things they want to do, and to use my time wisely so that I will have time to just "sit in the hammock and gaze at the clouds". At our house that looks more like lying on the trampoline gazing, but I guess that will have to do..... until I can convince Reid of our desperate "need" for a hammock. :)

Well, sometimes God answers our prayers real quick. After dinner tonight, Reid and I enjoyed some conversation while the kids played together out on the trampoline. It brought smiles to our faces to hear them giggling and squealing out there, all four enjoying each other's company for about an hour. Usually by then someone gets hurt, or there is some kind of bickering. :) As all good things come to an end, so did the light hearted play of the kids. Only it wasn't a fight, and no one was hurt; well, not physically. The older kids walked Natalie in and said "Mommy, Natalie is having a sad 'I miss Nana' moment." My littlest sweetie, who had taken such pride in the fact that she had not cried once since the memorial service in January (much to my concern) was hunched over, tears streaming down her rosy little cheeks, shaking with her crying. I scooped her up in my arms and sat with her and held her and let her cry. I asked her what it was that had made her sad. She said it was the bracelet that Katie had made for her. I asked if it was because it reminded her of the bracelet Nana had made her once a long time ago. She said no, it wasn't the bracelet, but the bracelet Katie made is pretty, and it made her think of how Nana loved pretty things. (This coming from my little girl who loves pretty, fancy things too - a touch of Nana in her personality.) I savored the moment, and was glad she was finally crying and letting herself feel the loss of someone who understood her so well.

The kids were all gathered around Natalie, helping to make her giggle again after her tears, and they asked if we could read some of Randy Alcorn's book 'Heaven For Kids'. This is a great book for kids who are dealing with the loss of a loved one. It talks about what heaven is like. While I was reading, the book touched on salvation, the core of our belief in heaven. Rosalie asked a question, and I asked her if she had prayed and asked for Jesus' gift of salvation. She said she hadn't (though I know she has before :) ). So we prayed. I think this time she had a clearer understanding, a tangible example of what it means to us that we will get to go to heaven some day and be with Jesus, and Nana, and Gramps, and others who believe and have gone on before us. What a precious moment! I think she is old enough now that she truly grasped what we were talking about, and with the fresh example of Nana on her heart, it all made a little more sense.

Wow! I asked for special moments with the kids, and look what I got! Thank you , Lord! And here is yet another fingerprint of God on this journey of losing my Mom. Through her death has come the assurance of Rosalie's eternal life. Life from death. Beauty from ashes. Ah, Lord, You are amazing. And my heart is full.

The Weekend - Another Letter to Mom

Hi Ma!

Sometimes I just wish we could have one of our chats over a cup of coffee or tea. How I would love to "pop in for a visit" right now. Instead I guess I'll write you a letter, and pretend that we are having that visit, one sided though it be. :)

Friday was Katie's birthday. Oh, you would laugh to know what I did! I was adding ingredients to her cake, and added 1 1/4 cups of oil instead of water! Nice! At least I realized my mistake before baking it! I ran to the store for another mix, and was on my way.

I lost it today when I went to prepare for the Spring tea at church. How you would have loved to hostess a table! I was going to use your china for my table, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, just getting out my own pretty china and teapot was torture enough! Sitting on top of my china in my cupboard, I found the place setting of Old English Garden china that you had tucked away in your "gifts to the Kisling's" bin. (Dad just let us have all those things once you died.) Remember how we both used to think it was so pretty? And how the roses reminded us of our legacy of rose gardens in our family? I'll have to get some more of that set somehow. It's so beautiful, and reminds me so much of you. Once I dropped off my china at the church and had a few tears with the secretary, Debbie :), I was OK again. The ladies at church set my table for me so I wouldn't have to struggle through it. Funny how china and tea parties can trigger such sadness and longing for you.

After I dropped my things off at church, I went shopping for Katie's present from Reid and me. I went to Jo Anne's and got her a sewing basket and all the supplies she needs to have her own kit. It was fun to pick things out for her.

That evening we had Dad come for dinner. Katie wanted enchiladas. After dinner it was time to open presents. You should have seen Katie open her presents. She exclaimed over each one. Maybe she has a little of her Nana in her! :) She was so happy with each gift, from new head bands, to earrings, to a Nerf bow and arrow set. :) When she opened her sewing basket, she took out each little thing and examined it and asked about it's use. What a special girl she is!

While she was opening her presents, a humming bird hit our window. It was such a pretty little thing - blue head and green body. It was only stunned and flew away after a bit. (Thank goodness! Katie acted as though her life would be ruined if it died! :) )

Saturday morning was the Tea at church. It was fun. The girls all dressed up, and there was a brooch contest, so we all wore one. Remember those little lace doily ones I used to make for craft fairs? I wore one of those. Made me think of you and how you always passed on great craft ideas to me. We played a game or two and had a yummy potluck brunch.

Cam and Reid worked on the chicken coop all day. Cameron dug dirt and worked very hard. Growing up! The coop is now enclosed so the chickens can hang out in there during the day. At night they still have to be in their cage in the garage since the hen house part of the coop isn't done yet.... hopefully next weekend that can be finished up.

Sunday was Mother's Day. I was all geared up for it to be this really hard day, but you know what? It wasn't! It started early. Natalie and Rosalie were up at 6:50. They came downstairs in their robes and were out front sweeping the front porch and sidewalk as a little cleaning prize for me. Saturday night they swept and cleaned the back patio and kitchen for me too. I told them they were like special little fairies for Mommy. How cute! :)Then they served me breakfast in my chair - I didn't really want to be way up in my room, so we settled for my chair in the living room. Church was good. The only hard thing was receiving a few of those tear squeezing hugs from friends who knew what this day might be like for me. In the afternoon we worked some more in the yard. Then we went to Heirloom Roses to pick out my annual Mother's Day rose bush to plant in the front yard. We picked a red one. They had a little gift shop there. There were lots of things that reminded me so much of you - from garden knick knacks to pretty smelling soaps and teacups and saucers. It made me sad, but in a happy sort of way. It made me want to add to my teacup and saucer collection and to start one for each of the girls as a heritage from Nana. And it reminded me of all the fun times we had wandering through little shops like that, but with a smile on my face instead of a tear on my cheek. It was a good feeling.

We went to PF Chang's for dinner. YUMMY! Dad joined us. We had to wait awhile so went to the Apple store and to Border's. (Our poking around would have been so different if you were there! You and I might have sneaked off to Cold Water Creek, or Chico's - especially while the guys enjoyed the Apple store. Sigh.. such is my new life with just the men in the adult family around. :) Dinner was fun. The kids remembered the time you took one of Chang's napkins home accidentally and then mailed it back. And Katie insisted that if you were there you would have let her lick her dessert plate! :)We had the usual.... Mongolian Beef (or 'the golian beef' as the girls used to think it was called), lemon scallops, lettuce wraps and the little banana things (plus some Death by Chocolate!) for dessert. After that we came home and called it a day. I truly think it was a special gift from God that Mother's Day was not as hard as I thought it would be. And I know there were LOTS of friends praying for me.

So, today, I am missing you, but with warm memories and a smile (OK and a tear or two), not so much the painful, tears streaming kind of missing you. That will come again I am sure, but for now I'll 'enjoy' this milder, kinder missing. I love you. Mom. Happy Mother's Day - a little late. You were truly the best!

Blessings

Last week I experienced something new, something I'd never ever felt before. I felt super draggy. I mean really really super-de-duper draggy. Remember in the movie "Princess Bride" when the hero has been brought back to life and is only mostly dead? He can barely move his head, and if he swings his body around he can make his arms move a little. Well that's how I felt. Or like the wind-up lady on those TV commercials about depression. She gets wound up, walks a few steps and then her winder is done and needs to be rewound. I was completely drained. Every task that needed doing and word that needed spoken sapped me and all I wanted to do was sleep. And it scared me. I thought maybe I was experiencing the "D" word. I didn't want to be or act depressed. All my life I have been my mom's "ray of sunshine" and her songbird - cheery and positive. But there I was, drained like the tub, with all the water sucked into oblivion. It scared me because I was afraid that if I went there, if I admitted I might be depressed, I wouldn't know how to climb back out and be the me that I enjoy and like; the cheerful, positive me.

So one night I sat down to visit with Reid after one of those long, draining days. I told him how I'd been feeling and that I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and how come I couldn't find my energy, and how I felt like the Princess Bride guy. Guess what he said? He said "You're probably depressed. And that's OK. It's part of grieving. It's normal, and yes, you will be able to get out. You are not the kind of person to get stuck there." He let me sit on his lap and cry, and just held me and let me be the me that I needed to be at that moment. I love him so much.

And guess what? Once I admitted I might be a teensy weentsy bit depressed, once I actually said the word, and admitted my fears about that I felt better! Oh - it didn't go away with the snap of my fingers. I wish it would have. It took me several more days to feel better, but I'm not stuck there. I am sad yes. And this happens to be a tough week, with Mother's Day looming. But I'm not feeling so depressed. I know I will probably have times like that, but I'm OK with it now, because I understand that it's part of the process and that I won't be stuck there forever, and that it's OK to use the "D" word now and then.

I titled this "Blessings" because in the midst of this I am realizing how blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I had a wonderful mother and friend for many years. I have 4 precious children. I live in a beautiful land. I have a Lord and Savior who loves me just the way I am. I have a Dad who is an amazing man of God. And my new discovery... I have LOTS of wonderful friends who love me and support me. I mean I always knew I could count on my friends, but relied mostly on my friendship with Mom. Here's what I mean..... I have friends that have quickly, without hesitation, offered to keep my kiddo's for 3 nights so that Reid and I can go to Outdoor School with Katie. (Dad will be out of town that week.) I have a friend who gave me a necklace from her jewelry party just because. (It was on my "wish list" that I left at her house, so she used her bonus privilege to give it to me. Wow!) I have a friend who called me today and asked if I would come over to try her yummy treats and just hang out. I bagged my shopping trip to Target and went over. There I spent time with three friends who hugged me and let me cry, and laugh and talk about whatever. I left refreshed and blessed. And that was just this week! I have lots and lots of friend stories - from taking the kids for hours and hours so I could work on albums for Mom before she died, to bringing meals before and after Mom died, to sending flowers and bringing comforting gifts, to lending a sympathetic ear, to writing letters regularly to let me know there are still friends who are thinking of and praying for us, to offering to help me set up my table for the Spring Tea at church that will be this Saturday so that I don't have to do it alone (Mom would have loved to do this). And of course those who lift my family up in prayer, listen to me whine, share my grief and struggles, and my joys. etc...... (I know I have forgotten some. I sure hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings by not mentioning an act of kindness! Please know that I have appreciated every friend and every nice thing!!!)

Thank you Lord for blessing me with a wonderful family, and so many wonderful friends. Please show me how to be that kind of friend in return.