A Hard Decision

A while back I did a post about how I was saving my cleaning money to take the family to Disney World. I mentioned that I had been saving for 3 years, and that it looked like we were getting close to making the dream a reality. Well, I lied. I did some calendar math, and realized that I have actually only been saving for 2 1/2 years. Just thought I should make that clear.

Anyway, there is a big chunk of money in a bank bag tucked away in a safe place, slowly adding up every time I clean, getting us closer and closer to our big trip. Reid has been saving air miles, and has enough now for all six of us to fly free. His family was going to gift us a week at a Worldmark hotel. All we needed was enough for tickets, some meals out + groceries for the meals we would eat in, and tickets into the parks. And we were getting close. But for the last week, that little bank bag has been convicting me every time I open my drawer. I think about it at random times during the day. I'm conflicted. See, for the first time ever, we weren't able to pay all of our taxes. We sent off what we could, but still owe a good sized chunk of money. That was unexpected. We saved what we thought we needed, but somehow miscalculated and ended up owing double what we expected. You know that chunk of money in my drawer? It is enough to just about pay the rest of what we owe on the taxes. Yup.

So I've been wrestling. Is it being a good steward of the money the Lord has provided to let it sit in a drawer while we have a big bill? Is it? Is it? Or does it really matter? Or since I've ear marked that money and it's built up over a long period of time is it OK for me to just keep it, and continue to save for our trip and try to find another way to pay the bill? Isn't it? Please? An even tougher question.... Do I trust God enough to replace the trip money (if He even wants to!) if we use it to pay the taxes? "Render to Caesar what is Caesar's" also runs through my mind - whether in or out of context I don't know. I still don't know if I'm ready to go there - if I'm ready to hand over my little nest egg that I have joyfully worked for, thinking it was for a trip, and instead use it to pay a bill. (I've been asking Reid, and he is so gracious. I think he would go either way for my sake.) But get this....

Because of my inner struggle with this question, I thought I'd bring it up at dinner - as a hypothetical question, of course. So I asked the kids this question..."Hypothetically speaking, say you have a big chunk of money that you've been saving for a long time for a fun vacation, but all of a sudden you have a big bill to pay. What is the right thing to do? Do you keep the money for your trip, or use it to pay the bill?" Cameron said, "This isn't so hypothetical, is it mom?"They were on to me of course, and knew I was asking them a real question. A question about us. All four of them said to pay the bill. Cameron said "Pay the bill. We can save up again. I'll put in the spending portion of what I earn this summer."  Katie said, "Pay the bill and trust God to provide for the trip. Or maybe God doesn't even want us to go to Disney World." Natalie said "I'm sad, but definitely pay the bill." Rosalie said, "Well, at least we HAVE the money to pay the bill!"

I was stunned. I thought there would be such disappointment and discouragement. I thought there might even be tears. Instead I was met with responsible, cheerful responses. Cameron suggested we maybe could take some smaller trips closer to home. Katie encouraged us that we could do it - save up again and try again in a year or so. The younger two were a little quieter. I was the one who ended up in tears of disappointment. I have so been looking forward to this for so long. There I sat crying, while the kids spoke words of cheer and encouragement. (Reid had left for a meeting after dinner.) I'm still teary. Partly out of disappointment, and partly because of the hearts my children displayed tonight at the dinner table. Hearts with a "can do" spirit. Hearts of compassion for their sad mom. Hearts willing to leave things in God's hands. Hearts willing to sacrifice their pleasure for the sake of being responsible. Hearts that can see the bigger picture, and that life isn't just about their pleasure.

And now that they have put in their two cents worth (pun intended! :) ), I guess I know what I have to do. Because, after all they said, how could I hold on to that money and keep it in the drawer for our trip knowing they would know we didn't use it to pay the taxes! It would undo all they said in our conversation! Shoot - maybe I should never have asked them..... :)