A "Chit Chatty" Letter To Mom

Hi Mom!

I read a friend's blog yesterday. She had written a letter to her son who died in her arms moments after he was born. I can't imagine that kind of heart ache, can you? Anyway, I thought writing you a letter would be a great idea.

I sure missed you this last weekend! I gave Natalie a tea party birthday party for her and her friends on Friday afternoon. We used my china and my teacup collection and my nice stainless. I even had daffodils from our yard to put on the table! I made ribbon sandwiches, deviled eggs and a fruit tray. I think the whole fancy thing was lost on the girls, though. They were a pretty wild bunch. Even Natalie said the girls were too wild for her liking! :) Katie had a hard time missing you that night. Having a tea party reminded her so much of you, your love of pretty things and how we talked about having tea parties now and then since you'd be up here. She said she imagined you sitting next to Nattie with a cup of tea in a pretty tea cup. I had a dream that night that you WERE there, and that you enjoyed every minute of the tea party, and helped me set up and plan things for the girls to do. I believe that was God, letting me know that you saw, you enjoyed and maybe even had a cup of tea in a fancy teacup right at that time to be part of the party. :)

Saturday was cousin Rosalie's baby shower. Katie made a burp cloth and I made a towel and blanket. Rosie and Nattie had little gifts too. We took a gift from you, because you so loved attending the showers and celebrations of all our extended family. It was a beautiful sunny day. I let the girls pull out their Easter dresses "just this once" to wear. They all looked so pretty! The drive to Corvallis is one of my favorite drives, and I thought how you would have ridden along with us and how we would have had such a fun visit on the way there and back. Instead, I listened to the girls chatter in the back seat, and we had some fun conversations about the signs of Spring, and how we could see the 3 Sisters, Mt. Jefferson and Mt. Hood all at once. The sunset on the way home was gorgeous, and we talked about how God paints such lovely sunrises and sunsets. So, even though you were not physically with us, the ride and conversation with my pretty princesses blessed me. I was encouraged to be making and thinking of new memories we will create in this new life without Mom/Nana.

Cameron went on a ski trip with the youth group this last weekend. He snowboarded. He said it was fun, but he is SO sore! :) I almost quoted one of Dad's favorite sayings..."Those who dance must pay the fiddler", but decided his aching bod was doing enough to remind him of that! :)

Sunday night we had Dad and Kevin down to our house for a belated birthday dinner for Natalie. She chose Bruschetta chicken, spinach salad and cherry jello with applesauce in it. It was a yummy dinner and we topped it off with strawberry cake and ice cream. She opened presents and we watched some Olympics. It is fun to have Kev and Dad for dinner. I have invited them down about once a week since you've been gone.

Reid has been such a blessing to me lately. Not only is he my husband and my best friend, he is now also taking on the role of best girlfriend - at least for now, since you are not here. :) He's doing a great job of it, too, I must say! :)He has been a great listener, and is very understanding of my grief and my joy and the whole jumble of feelings I have with this brand new experience of living life without Mom. However, no one will ever quite fill your shoes, Ma.

It's Springtime! Or at least close. :) The daffodils are in bloom and the crocuses by my front door are peeking their pretty purple heads up. The Daphne by my front door is so fragrant! One can smell it all the way out at the street! My rose bushes, and yours too, have new growth on them. The cherry trees all over town are budding pink and white blossoms. You would have loved seeing all the Springtime color and growth! I can just hear you exclaiming over all the flowers and tree blossoms.

Cam will be home from school soon. I think I'll go start a load of laundry and make some chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies before he walks in the door.

I love you, Mom. I miss you so much. You were such a special lady. I'll see you soon, for as 2 Peter 3:8 says "....With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day." I'm sure I will write more letters to you. In a way it helps to be able to share the little things with you this way.

Loving you!
McSween :)

A Cold, A Card, and a Calling....

....and a rose bush, but that didn't start with "C".

A Cold....

A couple of days after Mom died, I got a nasty cold. A "lasts four weeks need antibiotics to get rid of it" kind of cold. This week I am finally feeling like myself again. I call it one of God's fingerprints; a blessing in disguise. Why? Well, I'll tell you! :) I got sick for a few days back in August. The rest of the family was sick for a week and a half. Once school started it seemed like I had a sick kid home at least every couple of weeks if not more. Then in October, the kids and Reid got very sick. I think it was the dreaded Swine Flu. They all had high fevers, body aches, fatigue, headaches and sore throats. A couple of them even had upset tummies. They were sick for two weeks. But guess what? I didn't get even one symptom! After that I still have had sick kids quite a bit. My constant prayer and prayer request for others to pray was that God would keep me well so that I might be able to spend time with Mom and be able to help out up at their house while she was sick. If I hadn't caught a cold right after she went to be with Jesus I'm not sure I would have recognized and appreciated the fact that He kept me well all those months even when there was sickness in my house. GOD IS SO GOOD!

A Card... (two actually)

There were a couple of cards recently that have lifted my spirits, or come right when I needed them. One was from a friend, Tanya, in Klamath, who put a card in the card basket at the memorial service. I just read it finally yesterday. In it she acknowledged how much Mom had meant to her. She also wrote about how she could imagine how hard this will be for me not to be able to share my kids milestones, weddings, etc., get motherly advice, and enjoy her sunny disposition. Painful to read, but I cannot explain the comfort it brings when someone understands the depth of our loss, and is not afraid to share in our grief. Thank you to all my family and friends for your part in sharing this load with my family. You are a very precious part of the process and I love you for participating with us.

Yesterday I went shopping for Valentine's Day cards for Reid, the kids and Dad. It was hard. I had to pick cards for "Dad" and "Grandpa", minus the "Mom" and "Nana". Ugh. :) On top of that there was this cute couple about my parents' age next to me chuckling and discussing which card they ought to pick for their grandson. Ouch. I barely made through Fred Meyer without losing it! :) Later in the afternoon, I went to help out at Katie's Valentine party at school. The other room mom, whom I have known since we first moved to Dundee and whose daughter is one of Katie's good friends, had stuck a card in the bag of party goods she had sent to the party. It was a sweet card offering to spend time with me or anything else I might need. Inside the card was a gift certificate to get my nails done!!! Maybe it sounds superficial of me, but it lifted my spirits to receive a pampering gift. :) I haven't had my nails done in years and am excited for such a treat! A well timed thoughtful note and gift. Thank you, Lord! :) And thank you, Anita.

A Calling....

Last week I began wondering what God would have for me now that my life has taken a drastic turn. See, the original plan when Mom and Dad moved up here was for Mom and I to have craft days, have lunch together, do our Costco shopping together, and in general hang out together. That's what best friends do, right? (I know that Mom had lots of best friends, and had some of those same plans with her other friends too!) Dad, if you're reading this, I'd love to do some of these things with you too, but I'm not sure how you feel about shopping and craft days. :)

So now I find myself with a considerably less full plate, though definitely not by choice. It causes me to wonder what God would have me do with my life now. Of course always at the top of my priorities has been and will continue to be serving God, caring for my family and making my home a haven. But I think there might be room for more. :) On Tuesday at Bible Study Beth Moore addressed just such a thing in her talk. I was so excited! I felt like she was talking right to me! We are studying Esther, and Beth was saying how Esther had faced a huge crisis in her life. She said that often we coast along in a life of comfort and ease and then God uses a huge crisis to pivot our heels and turn us in a new direction, toward the destiny He has designed for us. Hits home for me! I would have loved a life that included my mom in all the ways mentioned above and mentioned in that card from Tanya, and will so terribly miss her and her involvement in the lives of my kids and my family. Let's face it. It will be hard at best and even miserable at times. But I guess that means God has a different destiny for me. I have no idea what that might be, but I'm praying about it, am excited to see what He has for me and am waiting on Him to lead and guide me on this new path.

Oh yes! The rose bush! I almost forgot. A few days ago another friend brought me a rose bush to plant in our yard. She said it just seemed like a perfect thing to honor and remember Mom. Something beautiful that will bloom year after year and bring beauty and joy. Little did she know that roses were Mom's favorite flower, and that our family has a history of rose gardens. My Dad's dad died in his rose garden (at least I think that's right...). My mom's parents always had a rose garden. Mom and Dad planted at least one rose in most of the places they lived. There is even one they planted still living at the duplex where they lived in Corvallis while Dad went to grad school some 40ish years ago. Reid and I are carrying on the tradition. We had several rose bushes at our Texas house, and so far have four (soon to be 5 now!)planted in our front yard. Reid and the kids plant one for me every Mother's Day. So my friend unknowingly added to special memories and family tradition.

See how God is showing me daily the depth of His compassion? He cares so much for us. I am constantly warmed by His involvement in even the little things in my life. And by how many times in the last month He has carried me, and been God with flesh on through my friends and family.

Random Fingerprints

There are a few random fingerprints that have recently happened, but I haven't known how to incorporate them in my journaling. So instead I'll just make a post about them!

One day a week or so after Mom died, I was having a particularly hard day of missing her and grieving. That day there were 4 comforting cards in the mail, and a belated bouquet of flowers was delivered.

Another day, just recently, I said to Reid "Who is going to help me know all my flower names now that Mom is gone? She knew all the kinds of flowers and when and where to plant them." A few hours later here came my older neighbor from across the street with a card and plant-able flower in her hand. She told me the name of the flower (I think it's Cyclimen but I don't know how to spell it), and how and where to plant it. My family and I have enjoyed her beautiful backyard garden many a time, and she loves to have my kids just walk into her backyard any time they want. She told me that she knew she could never replace my mom in any way, but that if I wanted to join her for a cup of tea, a walk or some prayer time, she will be there for me. How sweet! I think I will take her up on her offer, and also ask her about flowers. I desperately need to know what will work in the flower bed under our front windows!

Today seems to be another one of THOSE days. Life is just weird without Mom around. Let's face it. It just stinks! I'd use stronger language, but we don't say s...u...c...k...s at our house. :)(See, I had to spell it so I wasn't actually saying it.) I was cleaning up at Mom and Dad's house this morning, and it seemed so quiet, so void of the cheerful presence of Mom, even though the essence of her is everywhere up there. Yesterday, we went up there to watch the Super Bowl. It was fun, but I missed Mom's shrieking, and though we had plenty of yummy snacks, there was no clam dip with Ruffles potato chips - her favorite. So I've been fighting the sorrow all morning. I know- not fighting it, just experiencing it more deeply today. So I get home after lunch, and there is this note on Facebook regarding my last post from a friend in Texas :

Because habits are things you wish you could rid yourself of forever, but family is what you want to remain forever (in-laws not withstanding). Free yourself to mourn. Grieve passionately and drink deep the sorrow. For the depths created by your anguish today, become the depths God fills with joy tomorrow. The deeper we allow ourselves to feel the sorrow, the deeper we will be able to feel the joy. It is a spiritual law. Just don't get lost in the depths. Remember to look up to the light, our hope, our Savior. While it is true that we do not mourn as those who have no hope, we mourn still....and a better mourning, for we have that hope. And ours is less a selfish mourning, though we will miss our loved one, but one of the loss the world will have for the joy and wisdom and love that one gave. Bless you guys! Carrie, you got this!

A fingerprint? You betcha! Thank you Paul. I really needed that today. :) God is good, and with the love and care of friends from all over I/we will walk through this gaining a depth we lacked before.

21 Days?

They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit. It's been 21 days + 3, and I'll just tell you... living without my mom is not ever going to become a habit! And I'm glad. See, Mom shows up everywhere, and will for a very long time to come. She's in this sunny day - "Whatchoo doing on this beautiful day?" - she would have said. She's in the prayers of my children, who still thank God at night for Nana (and Grampa too!). It's in the funny sayings and nick names we have - well, I won't go into that. It could be embarrassing. :) She's in the tiny new growth buds on my rose bushes, which she definitely would have noticed, and the four inch high daffodil shoots coming up in my yard. She's in my pot of chicken soup on the stove. Well, not really, but she did teach me how to boil a chicken carcass and make chicken soup out of it. She's in my recipe box, where half the recipes are in her handwriting, and are family favorites from my childhood. She's in my living room - the display of teacups and saucers we both have and love. She's in the pictures on my wall. She's in the mug I'm using for my cup of tea - specially picked by her for me. And she's in that lovely house up the hill, where all I have to do is walk in the door and the essence of Mom is everywhere. I find these things comforting: blessed reminders of a wonderful lady, and how much a part of me she was and is.

And these are just a few of the little reminders of who she was that will always be with me. I know she will show up in the deeper things of life too. Like my faith - I have her example to follow. My children - who share some of her personality likenesses and many memories with Nana. My Dad - who knew her better than anyone. My siblings who grew up with me - having the best Mom in the world (maybe you think yours was the best, but you gotta admit, mine was pretty special!) There are countless other ways I will find her and see her in the days, months and years to come. Yes, it is painful, but I'll take the pain that comes with the blessing of having had such a wonderful friend, mom, and influence in my life for so many years over not having her in my life at all. Thank you Jesus, for allowing me 38 1/2 years with such a wonderful Mom. I'm sorry there weren't more, but I'm grateful for the quality of the years we had.

The Prayer Shawl

Where to start?.... I'm starting a new chapter in my life. One I'd rather not have to start, but one I'm willing, with God's grace, to write, to walk, to experience, to read and reflect upon. What's it called? Life - without my mom, my best friend, my cheerleader, my wise counsel, my encourager, and more. I'm calling it God's Fingerprints because that's what I see so far in this new life of mine. Every day, God graciously gives me a gift of some kind that lets me know He is with me, He knows my pain, He will carry me through, and He WILL bring joy to my days.

Today I sat reading my Bible. I was looking for a verse that said "God is my portion." I found one in Psalms, though it wasn't quite what I thought it would be. I decided to read the whole Psalm. It was rich. Especially the last few verses. Psalm 16:9-11: Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices: my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life, you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

I found this encouraging on two levels. One, for Mom. How great to know that she is filled with joy, in His presence, with eternal pleasure!

Second, as I read the notes in my Life Application Bible, here's what I found. "True joy is far deeper than happiness: we can feel joy in spite of our deepest troubles. Happiness is temporary because it is based on external circumstances, but joy is lasting because it is based on God's presence within us. As we contemplate His daily presence, we will find contentment. As we understand the future He has for us we will experience joy. Don't base your life on circumstances, but on God." These are two things Reid and I prayed about just last night - that God would make His presence known to me, and that He would show me what He has for me in this new chapter of life.

Just as I finished reading, the mail lady put a package on my doorstep and knocked on my door. Sitting there was a package from someone I don't even know. I thought maybe the books I ordered were here, but as I eagerly opened the box, I found instead a card on top of a cozy looking crocheted lap blanket. The card explained that back in December this woman had asked her mother in law (MIL) to crochet a prayer shawl for my mom. (As she crochets, this lady prays for the person she's making the shawl for, then when it's finished, her church dedicates the shawl during church service and prays for the recipient.) The woman explained that her MIL wasn't able to finish the blanket before Mom died, and that her MIL wanted me to have it. Her church dedicated it and prayed for me, my dad, and my family, and then it was mailed. She told me that many prayers were uttered on behalf of my mom, my dad and the rest of us over the last couple of months, and that she would continue to pray for me in the months to come.

I felt washed in His presence, comforted in His arms, humbly blessed by His reminder that He is with me and will comfort me.

On the lighter side, the shawl is a pretty golden yellow color. It matches the color of my living room wall almost exactly. Coincidence? I don't think so. Another reminder that God cares intimately about the details of our lives, even down to picking the right color of yarn to match my decor. :) ...... God's Fingerprints.