My Way or the Highway Chapter II

Even before I was married, my mom and I would dream about the future possibilities of living near each other. We used to think it would be fun for all the family to move to Montana, build log houses on the same property and share a big garden. So as you might imagine, living in a far away land called Texas was heart wrenching for me. Looking back, I can see how God used those years to grow Reid and I, to bless our family in ways I wasn't expecting, but I think I already covered that in Chapter One. :)

Imagine my excitement when, after 11 years, it finally felt like God was opening the doors for us to move back to Oregon! Five and 1/2 years ago, we packed up all our earthly possessions, said goodbye to many dear friends, strapped the kids in their car seats and hit the road headed for Newberg, Oregon. Only 4 1/2 hours from our home town of Klamath Falls, where my parents and Reid's parents still resided, and not far from many of my precious relatives. The kids and I got to spend the whole summer in KFalls that year while we waited for our Texas house to sell and Reid started working at George Fox University. The next two years we enjoyed many trips to visit with our parents and visits from them too.

After about two years, Mom and Dad started looking for property in the greater Portland area that would not be too far from our house, not too far from my brother in Portland, not a super long drive to Eugene where my older brother lives, and near many other family members, including both Mom's and Dad's siblings.

Lo and behold, after about a year of looking, weighing and measuring pros and cons, searching for just the right location, they found a wonderful bit of property a half mile up the hill from our house! Our Montana dreams were coming true in a modified version! :) Over the next year, they met with the builder, a wonderful Christian man who helped them design their home with all the little details just the way Mom and Dad wanted it. In February of 2009, they moved in. What a joyous weekend it was! It was Valentine's Day when we started the great move in.

The next weekend, Mom and Dad headed back to KFalls to pack up most of the rest of their things. While they were there, Mom experienced a lack of energy so severe that they took her to the doctor and did some blood work. And thus began her battle and journey with a pre-Leukemia disease. Over the next 11 months, she went through chemotherapy and the downhill spiral of her life with faith, grace, a cheerful attitude and courage I greatly admire. Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 the pre-disease became Acute Myelogenic Leukemia. Due to other health complications, and her weakened state, she did not qualify for a bone marrow transplant. On January 12th, 2010, she went home to be with Jesus.

I skipped a lot of the details. It would take a very long blog post to tell you all that transpired between the date of her diagnosis and the date of her home going and all my feelings about all of that. But I want to tell you another part of the story ... the good part.

See, we make our plans; sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. We can't always know the reasons when they don't work out the way we imagine they will. But I do know this—God makes himself real and known in those times. And He is with us regardless of whether or not our plans work out the way we want them to. Here are some of the ways He cared for us all during Mom's illness...

• They moved just in time for her to be near OHSU, where she would receive excellent treatment. If they had not moved, they would have had to travel from KFalls every time she needed treatment or to meet with her doctors.


• Mom was able to live in her dream house, to enjoy the nearness of all her family, and receive extra care from all of us that would have been unable to attend to her and Dad had they been in KFalls. (Selfishly, I see this as a blessing for me as well. I would have been so heartbroken not to be able to help her and Dad as much as I did. I would have needed to stay here with my own little family and caring for them. As it was, I was able to do both.)


• God comforted Mom in amazing ways in the last month of her life. She had a dream (we would say a vision) of a kingly figure with a "kingly hat" (not a crown, she said), a robe and a staff walking along with a huge crowd following Him. She was in the midst of that crowd. The King was Jesus, and she felt reassured in her salvation. It makes me smile to think of her reaction when she realized she was in that crowd. She was almost surprised, as if she didn't know for sure if she would be counted among His followers. Wasn't God good to give her that reassurance?


• In another dream/vision, Mom had dived into a beautiful pool of clear, sparkling aqua colored water. As she rose back to the surface, her body was restored to it's youthful beauty, as it will be when we leave this world for Heaven.


• In the last few days of her life, Mom said there was the tangible, comforting presence of a man in the room with her at all times. Jesus? Yep. And what comfort these things brought to all of us during that time.


• During the last few weeks of her life, Mom needed blood transfusions every other day to keep her going. If she went too long without one, her nose would bleed severely and it would be very difficult to get it to stop. The last few days, Dad made the decision (at Mom's request) not to take her in for any more transfusions. There was a fear we felt that her nose would begin to bleed and she would bleed out. The day before she died, Dad and I found a dried little trickle of blood from her nose on her cheek. But that was it. No more. My Dad was convinced that this was just another sign of God's care for us all.


• Mom was able to be at home in her own bedroom when she died. That was important to her, and a blessing for all of us.


• And now, Dad is close by, and able to be near lots of family.

In the weeks and months that have followed Mom's death, God has shown me how much He loves and cares for me over and over again. I have received comfort right when things seemed the worst, discovered a card in the mail when I felt alone, found a Bible verse to cling to when I was down. Many of these fingerprints of God are recorded in my previous posts over the last several months.

I know this has been a heavier post. I have a point, I promise. :) I had plans. We make our plans. Sometimes they work out and are happy endings. Sometimes they don't work out, and it's painful. We don't always understand God's purposes or plans. But I believe good will come from it. And I believe God is good. And I believe His plans for our lives are good. What that looks like, I'm not always sure. But I leave you with this Bible verse that Reid recently reminded me of, and a song that has touched me lately.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

I would never choose to go through this. I know Mom would have had to go at some point, but at age 65? And just after they moved up closer to family? We had such fun plans! However, I have already been able to encourage a friend in a similar situation, and I'm sure God has plans to use my experiences for His glory in other ways as well.

The song I mentioned goes like this. It's called Before the Morning by Josh Wilson.

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
And You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Come on you've gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

I promise, Chapter III is much more lighthearted. :)

My Way or the High(er) Way

I have been given the privilege of speaking at our church's "Women's Christmas Brunch" this December. (That's brave speak for 'Help! I volunteered to do what?!') Needless to say, I have been gathering my thoughts for this talk since I was asked to speak back in May. (That's brave speak for 'I've been stewing and stressing about what to say since the moment I was asked!') I decided my blog was a good place to kind of write out and compile my thoughts, so if you are reading this, and plan to attend the brunch, you may get a double dose. But who knows, maybe I'll surprise you. :)

At first I thought I'd speak about God's faithfulness in my life, i.e., God's Fingerprints. But the other morning I woke up with a new plan, a new thought on what God would have me say. It was the most wonderful thing — almost like I dreamed it, but not quite. I just woke up knowing what to talk about and how to start it and several of the points I will make. Ah, God — you are so awesome to help me out like that!

So the title of my talk is going to be "My way or the High(er) way. Here are some of my thoughts, in no particular order...

When I was a young girl, I loved making plans for my future. By the time I was in 8th grade, I pretty much had my life planned out. I would go to college and get a degree in elementary education. Promptly after graduating, I would get married to a man who met a long list of qualifications :), one of which was that he would be a pastor. I would teach school for two years and then we would start a family. We would have 4 children, two boys and two girls in no particular order, but spaced out every 2 years. Sounds lovely, yeah? In retrospect, I would advise including in your plans where you would like to live. :)

Apparently, God approved of these plans, though He tweaked them a little here and there. :) See, I went to college, graduated with a teaching degree, and married a man who met my long list of qualifications :), and was headed to seminary school to become a pastor. However, I substituted one year, and taught school three more years before we started a family. And though Reid has a master's degree in theology, he is not a pastor, other than the pastoral opportunities he encounters in his job in Christian Higher Education. And we do have four children all spaced two years apart, but only the oldest is a boy. But you know what? I can look back and see how God's tweaks were just what we needed. (Even living in Texas, but I'll get to that later.) See, I learned a lot about parenting while I was teaching those extra years, and was able to put Reid through school without any debt. And no one ever plans to have a child with developmental issues, but that's what we were given. And it has been a blessing, though a hard road at times. And though I still sometimes miss that second boy I was supposed to have :), I can see how much Rosalie needs a Natalie as her younger sister, and what a joy Natalie is to my heart! In other words, I wouldn't trade the mix of children God has blessed us with for ANYTHING else! God knows best what we need.

Now about Texas.... We planned to live there 3 years while Reid finished seminary school. Instead we were there eleven years! And they were lllooooooonnnnnggggg years at times. For the first 8 years (yes, 8; I know that's a long time) I spent my time pining for "home" — Oregon. Oregon is where I grew up. It's where my family is. It's where my extended family is and where all the good things happen, like birthday parties and weddings, and many family gatherings. Oregon has a beauty like no other place. Boy, did I miss Oregon and all that it represents for me!

In the Fall of that 8th year, I went on a little mini retreat with a few friends and the mother of one of those friends. We camped. You can do that in October in Texas and not get cold. We ate simply. We reflected. We shared. It was wonderful and a time of discovery for all of us. When we were instructed to find our favorite Bible verse and tell why it was our favorite, I naturally turned to Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I have always loved that verse. This time when I read it, I decided to read the whole chapter to gain the context of the verse. It totally changed my perspective. I won't quote the whole thing, but basically it was God talking to His people who had been exiled to Babylon. He was telling them to move ahead with their lives, to settle in and live life, not keep "pining" for their homeland. Then He promised to bring them back to their homeland in His timing. Well I tell you, I grabbed on to that for dear life and made it my own. :) Maybe I shouldn't have claimed it so personally, but from that point forward, I was able to let go of my desire to move back to Oregon, though still with the hope that maybe someday God would take me back there from my exile in Texas! :) It helped me to trust in God's plan, knowing that His plan is perfect, and good for me, even though I still wanted and prayed for Him to provide a way for us to return to Oregon.

I can't see everything, or know all the reasons God had for having us there, but here's what I CAN see about how our time in Texas was good. First of all, being so far away from family helped me to bond better with Reid. And the times we did get to spend with family were so priceless. Being able to spend four weeks a year of concentrated time with family has its' benefits. At the time when Rosalie was "diagnosed" with Sensory Integration Dysfunction, Dallas was one of the country's leading places for recognition of SI, and we were able to get wonderful Christian therapists, and the help she needed. And of course, Reid's education was valuable, and his experience at Dallas Seminary was incredible. We also got to spend many years with good friends that we had known since high school, and enjoyed our little church on Skillman Ave. There were all kinds of good things that came from our time there, and lots of learning, too. It wasn't what I would have chosen, and to this day, I don't think I would choose that path. But I'm able to see how God used that time to strengthen our marriage, and mold me and grow me in my walk with Jesus. And it's a very real part of who I am today.

I think I'll call that the end of part 1 of My Way or the High(er) Way and stop here. Next up....Part II: Oregon Dreams - Both Realized and Shattered

Wonderful Things

I witnessed some wonderful things this last weekend.

I saw a boy who had been hesitant and unsure on the football field in the past step up, take leadership and play the game well. He got to play starting center, and it gave me chills to see him stand out there fist in the air and hear him yell "huddle up!" to his teammates. He blocked well, encouraged his teammates and played hard. It helps that he has a coach who believes in him and encourages him to become the player the coach sees he can be.

I saw a girl with natural athletic ability play through the pain of an injured wrist without complaint even though I could see the pain on her face, score two soccer goals and run like the wind on the soccer field. (She hurt her wrist back in August, but hadn't wanted to go to the doctor. Finally, once school started she decided it was time to see the doctor, and we found out she probably tore a ligament. Now she's wearing a brace for two weeks to help it heal up.)

I saw a girl who has struggled with school work in previous years sit at the table for over an hour working on an assignment for school. She worked diligently and her handwriting was good. She didn't even stop when her hand got tired!

I saw a Daddy sit with that girl for over an hour and cheerfully encourage her in her efforts, gently correcting her spelling errors, encouraging her and making her giggle throughout their time together.

And I saw a littlest sister encourage all her older siblings in their endeavors, cheerfully going where we needed to go with a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

I am truly a very blessed woman. Thank you, Jesus.

I'm Ba-ack!

I've been thinking lately. ( No wise cracks allowed!) I think I'm starting to feel alive again. Of course I wasn't dead, but maybe dormant would be a good word. A friend called it running on automatic. I've been on automatic for a good year and a half, I think. I'm not sure how evident it has been to anyone, but in my mind, that's what I see.

In February of '09, Mom found out she was sick. There followed months of survival mode, or automatic mode, or zone land or whatever you want to call it. Always hoping, always praying, trying not to worry, wondering what the next step would be, the question of bone marrow transplant always looming in the back of my mind, wondering how much time we had, if she would get well or not. Spending as much time as possible with her, helping out at their house and with their errands, mourning the loss of how things were supposed to be once they moved up here, keeping things running at my house, etc.

Then after Mom died in January, of course, I have spent many months grieving - running on automatic still. I feel like I've been standing above myself, with myself attached to puppet strings, making myself do the things that needed doing, trying to make my home a haven for my family, but never really feeling engaged, even though it may not have appeared that way.

The past few weeks I've noticed something. I feel alive! I feel present. I sing more. I feel engaged in my conversations. I feel more myself. I'm enjoying my family and friends. I feel ready to embrace the days ahead and am looking forward to a new season.

This does not mean I'm done grieving. I know it's an ongoing process that never truly ends. I still miss Mom terribly, and the tears are not dried up yet, but it sure feels good to be back in the land of the living, to really see and find joy in the people in my life and the beauty around me.

Welcome back, me!

Making New Memories

We just returned home from a wonderful camping trip with my dad at Crescent Lake. Crescent Lake camping is a tradition for my family. My mom's family stayed in the little cabins at Crescent Lake for a couple of weeks every summer as she was growing up. We stayed in those same cabins a few times when I was a kid and then when I was around junior high age, my family started camping there every summer. The summer Reid and I started dating, he joined us for a weekend camping trip there. And since my kids were little, even when we were just visiting from Texas, we've been camping there with my parents.

It's not a very glamorous place to camp. It's very dusty, and the only restrooms are outhouses. No showers. But the air smells wonderfully of pine trees, and the water is crystal clear. You can see the bottom of the lake quite a ways out. The camp sites are surrounded by trees, making them a little more private and cozy. And the beaches are somewhat sandy, if a little rocky. Crescent Lake holds many special and fun memories for me.

There was the time Mom got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and in her pj's with a flashlight lost her way in the woods. She wandered around for about 20 minutes in the dark before she finally found her way back to our campsite, which was the one not far from the outhouse.

One year there was a thunderstorm and the wind rose up and made the water rough enough to make white cap waves. We'd left our raft down at the beach, so my older brother Mark and I went down to bring it up to camp. I don't know why, but we decided it would be easier to row it back to the shore below our campsite instead of walking it back. Probably because of the wind. Anyway, it was quite an exciting adventure in my eyes, rowing through the rough waters, listening to the thunder in the distance and hoping we didn't get struck by lightning! :)

And there were all those early mornings out on the water. My dad, brothers and I would get up early and head out in the boat, because that's when the water was smooth like glass. We'd all take our turns water skiing, then head back for breakfast, which always included a nice warm campfire and hot chocolate to warm us up.

One time I let my dad talk me into trying to barefoot water ski so I could be cool like him and my brothers. :) Just as I stood up I crashed, slamming my face so hard into the water that it snapped my goggles in half where the nose bridge was, knocked the wind out of me and caused my legs to fly backward up over my head. Needless to say, I didn't try that again. :)

And there was the year I had my birthday party there, with a bunch of friends, Reid included. We took a picnic lunch, and my family and friends went for a day of boating, skiing and fun in the sun. Dad loved(s) to give people the ride of their lives on an inner tube. Reid and I had been dating just a few weeks. I told Dad to be nice to me on my tube ride. But of course he couldn't resist the 'circle of death', which creates mountainous waves, and usually accomplishes Dad's main goal, which is to flip or bounce the rider off the tube. So there I was screaming at him to stop, all the while hearing his laughter. :) After nearly drowning me (not really) he pulled me in, I gave him a huge glare, and he told Reid "Oops, guess that was a little much." And they snickered under their breath as I moodily climbed into the boat.

And of course there are the stories of the Crescent Lake monster, who comes out of the water and wanders the campground in the middle of the night looking for little children to devour. Yes, that would be my dad's story for kiddos. Nowadays, my kids just roll their eyes and say "Grampa!"

This was the first year camping at Crescent Lake without Mom. Her presence was definitely missed, but we had a great time anyway, and we talked and laughed about memories of Mom at Crescent Lake. We kept it simple, maybe a little too simple, without all the extra snacks, sweets and side dishes for meals. Mom was always good at planning all that stuff. But we did alright. We carried on some old traditions, like Crescent Lake monster stories, "baths" in the middle of the lake off the side of the boat, playing games, reading books, and boating. And we solidified some new traditions like dutch oven Mountain Man breakfast, banana boats, a visit from from my Uncle Stew for a day, a little road trip to Davis lake for some fly fishing, and wake boarding for the kids.

We have a new thunderstorm memory to pass down through the years. During the middle of the day on Tuesday, a storm came up. We had walked over to the resort store, about 1/4 of a mile away from our camp site, when it started to sprinkle. By the time we got back, we were soaked. It was pouring rain and was beginning to hail. The lightning was flashing and thunder clapping. We dove into our tent, and were stuck there for two hours while the storm raged. :) We read books, colored, tried to nap and played a game. Lightning flashed only a 1/2 mile away. Rosalie put it best in her journal... "It is exciting and scary." ;)

And so the Crescent Lake memories will continue, old ones mingled with new ones, some with the echoes of Mom's laughter in them, some from my childhood, some as a mommy, and maybe someday some as a gramma. Wouldn't that be something. And always may the legend of the Crescent Lake monster live on.

Mildly Blue

I'm feeling mildly blue today. See, today marks the 6 month anniversary of Mom's home-going. I've been thinking about this day for a while now. Wondering how it would be. And while it is somewhat sad, I can face this day with the confidence of knowing Mom is in the presence of the Savior. That gives me incredible hope. And peace.

The piercing sorrow and grief of losing my mom and best friend have dulled. I wouldn't even say it is a dull ache anymore. While I think of Mom at least every hour of every day, it is not with sadness so much anymore, but with fond memories, or an appreciation for some little thing she would enjoy. My Aunt Cindy (who lost her husband several years ago - way too early by our earthly standards) likes to call that feeling the "angels plucking our heart strings". :) Or maybe it's like a whisper of her presence. I'm not saying the grieving is over. I know there will be big and little bumps along the way that will bring waves of grief.

Just the other day, I experienced one of those grief waves. Reid and I attended the memorial service of a godly man who attended our church. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. But hearing his story of battling a disease for many years, the grace with which he handled it, and the fact that it seems God took him home too early all hit close to home. And I grieved. For Mom, for the man's wife, for his children, even younger than I, some of whom will not experience the presence of their father when they marry or have children.

The pastor giving the service quoted a verse from Isaiah that I loved and will cling to. It's Isaiah 57:1b - 2 "....the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." What a great verse! I am so thankful for Mom that she doesn't have to experience any more of this fallen world, whether in the form of sickness, the negative things going on around the world or any other form of pain or sorrow or evil.

In light of that man's passing and of losing another member of our church family recently, our pastor preached a sermon yesterday addressing our "Why, God?" questions. And while his sermon was excellent and struck a chord with many in the congregation, I have to say that I don't struggle with the "why" of Mom's dying. I know that God's ways are higher than mine, that He has a purpose for everything, a plan for everything and everyone, and a reason for doing things His way. Ultimately, I believe that everything, absolutely everything in some way brings glory to God, and I'm OK with that. Most of the time. :) If in some way, Mom's death, her memory, her lasting impact, or my dad's testimony and life after her passing can bring glory to God, who am I to wish her back, to question God, to dwell on what seems to be the injustice of it all? Maybe you don't agree with me, and I may not be able to completely right away support my statements with scripture and wise words, but I'm sure it's in God's word somehow, somewhere. :)

Saturday I had the opportunity to stop in at a little shop in Newberg that I've been wanting to browse through for months. It is a great little shop filled with jewelry, purses, soaps and other handmade items from local people. Not long ago I would have had to turn right around and walk out of that place for fear of losing it right there in the middle of the store. Instead, I spent half an hour wandering and looking at all of the marvelous pretties, smiling and thinking to myself how much Mom would have loved this place. And it didn't hurt. It "plucked my heartstrings". It made me want to find my aunts, or cousins, and say "Come see this place! Mom would have a ball in here, wouldn't she?!" Someday soon I hope they will be able to join me there, and maybe for a bite to eat afterward, just like Mom and I would have done. Or what I really should do is take my daughters and start a new tradition. In the meantime, I will celebrate this day for Mom. How could I not? How could I wish her back into her earthly, broken body when I know she is at peace, filled with joy and IN THE PRESENCE OF JESUS!! And while I celebrate, I'll feel mildly blue for me and mine, and keep on keeping on.

Firsts and Lasts

The last day of school was yesterday. It hit me today that it was the last day I will ever have a 1st grader. And it was Katie's last day of elementary school. It makes me a little sad. Much as I love to see my children learn and grow and become the beautiful people God created them to be, I can't help but wish I could hold on to each stage just a little longer. To relish the little moments. To oooh and ahhh over the paper farm she made, to listen to him stumble over those first lines in a book, to experience the wonder when she finally says "I can read!" after a lengthy struggle, to see her little face light up over penguin math. First grade - the wobbly handwriting, the hesitant reading, the discovery of addition and subtraction. Oh, I wish I could just savor it a little while linger. As I wished I could hold on to each age and stage - the newborn smell, the toddler walk, the two year old talk, and all of it.

We cleaned out the dress up trunk today. The girls were ready to part with some things that have been staple dress up items for many years. Gone are the plastic glass slippers. I was surprised and saddened to see Natalie wrinkle up her nose, tilt her head and smile and say "No, we don't need THOSE anymore." And to have Rosie laugh at how her heels hung way over the backs of them. Wasn't it just a few months ago they were traipsing around the house in them playing mommies? And gone are the princess tiaras and a little tutu. I think we are out of the Disney princess stage. And we are on to the "Let's play salon" stage. Which happens to be a very cute stage as they play with each others' hair, rub lotion into their feet for a massage and apply play makeup in front of their mirror. At least they still play mommies.

As for firsts, there have been some good ones lately. Katie got 1st place for long jump in the district wide 5th grade track meet. And 1st in the 100 yard dash in her heat of eight girls. People have told me that they love to watch her run. Cameron had his first solo in jazz band at the last concert of the year. He did a great job - didn't even seem nervous. Katie got glasses the other day. A first for her. She likes them a lot. She can see details so much better now! And she looks so cute in them.

Yesterday was the first official day of summer break. It felt more like Spring break with the weather cloudy and cool! The kids had a great day. We sat down and made up a summer 'daily schedule'. :) It makes me smile that they love check off charts and having a schedule. Kind of like their Mommy that way. They did all the chores we had lined up for the morning, and played in the afternoon. I heard the word 'Mom" so many times yesterday I thought I'd need a break! I forgot about that part of adjusting to summer. :) But I do love having them around all day!

Life is always moving, always flowing. Always there are firsts and lasts, always the leaving of one phase of life and entering the next. And though it is bittersweet, how wonderful it is that we are not stuck in one phase forever.