Mildly Blue

I'm feeling mildly blue today. See, today marks the 6 month anniversary of Mom's home-going. I've been thinking about this day for a while now. Wondering how it would be. And while it is somewhat sad, I can face this day with the confidence of knowing Mom is in the presence of the Savior. That gives me incredible hope. And peace.

The piercing sorrow and grief of losing my mom and best friend have dulled. I wouldn't even say it is a dull ache anymore. While I think of Mom at least every hour of every day, it is not with sadness so much anymore, but with fond memories, or an appreciation for some little thing she would enjoy. My Aunt Cindy (who lost her husband several years ago - way too early by our earthly standards) likes to call that feeling the "angels plucking our heart strings". :) Or maybe it's like a whisper of her presence. I'm not saying the grieving is over. I know there will be big and little bumps along the way that will bring waves of grief.

Just the other day, I experienced one of those grief waves. Reid and I attended the memorial service of a godly man who attended our church. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. But hearing his story of battling a disease for many years, the grace with which he handled it, and the fact that it seems God took him home too early all hit close to home. And I grieved. For Mom, for the man's wife, for his children, even younger than I, some of whom will not experience the presence of their father when they marry or have children.

The pastor giving the service quoted a verse from Isaiah that I loved and will cling to. It's Isaiah 57:1b - 2 "....the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." What a great verse! I am so thankful for Mom that she doesn't have to experience any more of this fallen world, whether in the form of sickness, the negative things going on around the world or any other form of pain or sorrow or evil.

In light of that man's passing and of losing another member of our church family recently, our pastor preached a sermon yesterday addressing our "Why, God?" questions. And while his sermon was excellent and struck a chord with many in the congregation, I have to say that I don't struggle with the "why" of Mom's dying. I know that God's ways are higher than mine, that He has a purpose for everything, a plan for everything and everyone, and a reason for doing things His way. Ultimately, I believe that everything, absolutely everything in some way brings glory to God, and I'm OK with that. Most of the time. :) If in some way, Mom's death, her memory, her lasting impact, or my dad's testimony and life after her passing can bring glory to God, who am I to wish her back, to question God, to dwell on what seems to be the injustice of it all? Maybe you don't agree with me, and I may not be able to completely right away support my statements with scripture and wise words, but I'm sure it's in God's word somehow, somewhere. :)

Saturday I had the opportunity to stop in at a little shop in Newberg that I've been wanting to browse through for months. It is a great little shop filled with jewelry, purses, soaps and other handmade items from local people. Not long ago I would have had to turn right around and walk out of that place for fear of losing it right there in the middle of the store. Instead, I spent half an hour wandering and looking at all of the marvelous pretties, smiling and thinking to myself how much Mom would have loved this place. And it didn't hurt. It "plucked my heartstrings". It made me want to find my aunts, or cousins, and say "Come see this place! Mom would have a ball in here, wouldn't she?!" Someday soon I hope they will be able to join me there, and maybe for a bite to eat afterward, just like Mom and I would have done. Or what I really should do is take my daughters and start a new tradition. In the meantime, I will celebrate this day for Mom. How could I not? How could I wish her back into her earthly, broken body when I know she is at peace, filled with joy and IN THE PRESENCE OF JESUS!! And while I celebrate, I'll feel mildly blue for me and mine, and keep on keeping on.