I'm Ba-ack!

I've been thinking lately. ( No wise cracks allowed!) I think I'm starting to feel alive again. Of course I wasn't dead, but maybe dormant would be a good word. A friend called it running on automatic. I've been on automatic for a good year and a half, I think. I'm not sure how evident it has been to anyone, but in my mind, that's what I see.

In February of '09, Mom found out she was sick. There followed months of survival mode, or automatic mode, or zone land or whatever you want to call it. Always hoping, always praying, trying not to worry, wondering what the next step would be, the question of bone marrow transplant always looming in the back of my mind, wondering how much time we had, if she would get well or not. Spending as much time as possible with her, helping out at their house and with their errands, mourning the loss of how things were supposed to be once they moved up here, keeping things running at my house, etc.

Then after Mom died in January, of course, I have spent many months grieving - running on automatic still. I feel like I've been standing above myself, with myself attached to puppet strings, making myself do the things that needed doing, trying to make my home a haven for my family, but never really feeling engaged, even though it may not have appeared that way.

The past few weeks I've noticed something. I feel alive! I feel present. I sing more. I feel engaged in my conversations. I feel more myself. I'm enjoying my family and friends. I feel ready to embrace the days ahead and am looking forward to a new season.

This does not mean I'm done grieving. I know it's an ongoing process that never truly ends. I still miss Mom terribly, and the tears are not dried up yet, but it sure feels good to be back in the land of the living, to really see and find joy in the people in my life and the beauty around me.

Welcome back, me!