Wonderful Things

I witnessed some wonderful things this last weekend.

I saw a boy who had been hesitant and unsure on the football field in the past step up, take leadership and play the game well. He got to play starting center, and it gave me chills to see him stand out there fist in the air and hear him yell "huddle up!" to his teammates. He blocked well, encouraged his teammates and played hard. It helps that he has a coach who believes in him and encourages him to become the player the coach sees he can be.

I saw a girl with natural athletic ability play through the pain of an injured wrist without complaint even though I could see the pain on her face, score two soccer goals and run like the wind on the soccer field. (She hurt her wrist back in August, but hadn't wanted to go to the doctor. Finally, once school started she decided it was time to see the doctor, and we found out she probably tore a ligament. Now she's wearing a brace for two weeks to help it heal up.)

I saw a girl who has struggled with school work in previous years sit at the table for over an hour working on an assignment for school. She worked diligently and her handwriting was good. She didn't even stop when her hand got tired!

I saw a Daddy sit with that girl for over an hour and cheerfully encourage her in her efforts, gently correcting her spelling errors, encouraging her and making her giggle throughout their time together.

And I saw a littlest sister encourage all her older siblings in their endeavors, cheerfully going where we needed to go with a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

I am truly a very blessed woman. Thank you, Jesus.

I'm Ba-ack!

I've been thinking lately. ( No wise cracks allowed!) I think I'm starting to feel alive again. Of course I wasn't dead, but maybe dormant would be a good word. A friend called it running on automatic. I've been on automatic for a good year and a half, I think. I'm not sure how evident it has been to anyone, but in my mind, that's what I see.

In February of '09, Mom found out she was sick. There followed months of survival mode, or automatic mode, or zone land or whatever you want to call it. Always hoping, always praying, trying not to worry, wondering what the next step would be, the question of bone marrow transplant always looming in the back of my mind, wondering how much time we had, if she would get well or not. Spending as much time as possible with her, helping out at their house and with their errands, mourning the loss of how things were supposed to be once they moved up here, keeping things running at my house, etc.

Then after Mom died in January, of course, I have spent many months grieving - running on automatic still. I feel like I've been standing above myself, with myself attached to puppet strings, making myself do the things that needed doing, trying to make my home a haven for my family, but never really feeling engaged, even though it may not have appeared that way.

The past few weeks I've noticed something. I feel alive! I feel present. I sing more. I feel engaged in my conversations. I feel more myself. I'm enjoying my family and friends. I feel ready to embrace the days ahead and am looking forward to a new season.

This does not mean I'm done grieving. I know it's an ongoing process that never truly ends. I still miss Mom terribly, and the tears are not dried up yet, but it sure feels good to be back in the land of the living, to really see and find joy in the people in my life and the beauty around me.

Welcome back, me!

Making New Memories

We just returned home from a wonderful camping trip with my dad at Crescent Lake. Crescent Lake camping is a tradition for my family. My mom's family stayed in the little cabins at Crescent Lake for a couple of weeks every summer as she was growing up. We stayed in those same cabins a few times when I was a kid and then when I was around junior high age, my family started camping there every summer. The summer Reid and I started dating, he joined us for a weekend camping trip there. And since my kids were little, even when we were just visiting from Texas, we've been camping there with my parents.

It's not a very glamorous place to camp. It's very dusty, and the only restrooms are outhouses. No showers. But the air smells wonderfully of pine trees, and the water is crystal clear. You can see the bottom of the lake quite a ways out. The camp sites are surrounded by trees, making them a little more private and cozy. And the beaches are somewhat sandy, if a little rocky. Crescent Lake holds many special and fun memories for me.

There was the time Mom got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and in her pj's with a flashlight lost her way in the woods. She wandered around for about 20 minutes in the dark before she finally found her way back to our campsite, which was the one not far from the outhouse.

One year there was a thunderstorm and the wind rose up and made the water rough enough to make white cap waves. We'd left our raft down at the beach, so my older brother Mark and I went down to bring it up to camp. I don't know why, but we decided it would be easier to row it back to the shore below our campsite instead of walking it back. Probably because of the wind. Anyway, it was quite an exciting adventure in my eyes, rowing through the rough waters, listening to the thunder in the distance and hoping we didn't get struck by lightning! :)

And there were all those early mornings out on the water. My dad, brothers and I would get up early and head out in the boat, because that's when the water was smooth like glass. We'd all take our turns water skiing, then head back for breakfast, which always included a nice warm campfire and hot chocolate to warm us up.

One time I let my dad talk me into trying to barefoot water ski so I could be cool like him and my brothers. :) Just as I stood up I crashed, slamming my face so hard into the water that it snapped my goggles in half where the nose bridge was, knocked the wind out of me and caused my legs to fly backward up over my head. Needless to say, I didn't try that again. :)

And there was the year I had my birthday party there, with a bunch of friends, Reid included. We took a picnic lunch, and my family and friends went for a day of boating, skiing and fun in the sun. Dad loved(s) to give people the ride of their lives on an inner tube. Reid and I had been dating just a few weeks. I told Dad to be nice to me on my tube ride. But of course he couldn't resist the 'circle of death', which creates mountainous waves, and usually accomplishes Dad's main goal, which is to flip or bounce the rider off the tube. So there I was screaming at him to stop, all the while hearing his laughter. :) After nearly drowning me (not really) he pulled me in, I gave him a huge glare, and he told Reid "Oops, guess that was a little much." And they snickered under their breath as I moodily climbed into the boat.

And of course there are the stories of the Crescent Lake monster, who comes out of the water and wanders the campground in the middle of the night looking for little children to devour. Yes, that would be my dad's story for kiddos. Nowadays, my kids just roll their eyes and say "Grampa!"

This was the first year camping at Crescent Lake without Mom. Her presence was definitely missed, but we had a great time anyway, and we talked and laughed about memories of Mom at Crescent Lake. We kept it simple, maybe a little too simple, without all the extra snacks, sweets and side dishes for meals. Mom was always good at planning all that stuff. But we did alright. We carried on some old traditions, like Crescent Lake monster stories, "baths" in the middle of the lake off the side of the boat, playing games, reading books, and boating. And we solidified some new traditions like dutch oven Mountain Man breakfast, banana boats, a visit from from my Uncle Stew for a day, a little road trip to Davis lake for some fly fishing, and wake boarding for the kids.

We have a new thunderstorm memory to pass down through the years. During the middle of the day on Tuesday, a storm came up. We had walked over to the resort store, about 1/4 of a mile away from our camp site, when it started to sprinkle. By the time we got back, we were soaked. It was pouring rain and was beginning to hail. The lightning was flashing and thunder clapping. We dove into our tent, and were stuck there for two hours while the storm raged. :) We read books, colored, tried to nap and played a game. Lightning flashed only a 1/2 mile away. Rosalie put it best in her journal... "It is exciting and scary." ;)

And so the Crescent Lake memories will continue, old ones mingled with new ones, some with the echoes of Mom's laughter in them, some from my childhood, some as a mommy, and maybe someday some as a gramma. Wouldn't that be something. And always may the legend of the Crescent Lake monster live on.

Mildly Blue

I'm feeling mildly blue today. See, today marks the 6 month anniversary of Mom's home-going. I've been thinking about this day for a while now. Wondering how it would be. And while it is somewhat sad, I can face this day with the confidence of knowing Mom is in the presence of the Savior. That gives me incredible hope. And peace.

The piercing sorrow and grief of losing my mom and best friend have dulled. I wouldn't even say it is a dull ache anymore. While I think of Mom at least every hour of every day, it is not with sadness so much anymore, but with fond memories, or an appreciation for some little thing she would enjoy. My Aunt Cindy (who lost her husband several years ago - way too early by our earthly standards) likes to call that feeling the "angels plucking our heart strings". :) Or maybe it's like a whisper of her presence. I'm not saying the grieving is over. I know there will be big and little bumps along the way that will bring waves of grief.

Just the other day, I experienced one of those grief waves. Reid and I attended the memorial service of a godly man who attended our church. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. But hearing his story of battling a disease for many years, the grace with which he handled it, and the fact that it seems God took him home too early all hit close to home. And I grieved. For Mom, for the man's wife, for his children, even younger than I, some of whom will not experience the presence of their father when they marry or have children.

The pastor giving the service quoted a verse from Isaiah that I loved and will cling to. It's Isaiah 57:1b - 2 "....the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." What a great verse! I am so thankful for Mom that she doesn't have to experience any more of this fallen world, whether in the form of sickness, the negative things going on around the world or any other form of pain or sorrow or evil.

In light of that man's passing and of losing another member of our church family recently, our pastor preached a sermon yesterday addressing our "Why, God?" questions. And while his sermon was excellent and struck a chord with many in the congregation, I have to say that I don't struggle with the "why" of Mom's dying. I know that God's ways are higher than mine, that He has a purpose for everything, a plan for everything and everyone, and a reason for doing things His way. Ultimately, I believe that everything, absolutely everything in some way brings glory to God, and I'm OK with that. Most of the time. :) If in some way, Mom's death, her memory, her lasting impact, or my dad's testimony and life after her passing can bring glory to God, who am I to wish her back, to question God, to dwell on what seems to be the injustice of it all? Maybe you don't agree with me, and I may not be able to completely right away support my statements with scripture and wise words, but I'm sure it's in God's word somehow, somewhere. :)

Saturday I had the opportunity to stop in at a little shop in Newberg that I've been wanting to browse through for months. It is a great little shop filled with jewelry, purses, soaps and other handmade items from local people. Not long ago I would have had to turn right around and walk out of that place for fear of losing it right there in the middle of the store. Instead, I spent half an hour wandering and looking at all of the marvelous pretties, smiling and thinking to myself how much Mom would have loved this place. And it didn't hurt. It "plucked my heartstrings". It made me want to find my aunts, or cousins, and say "Come see this place! Mom would have a ball in here, wouldn't she?!" Someday soon I hope they will be able to join me there, and maybe for a bite to eat afterward, just like Mom and I would have done. Or what I really should do is take my daughters and start a new tradition. In the meantime, I will celebrate this day for Mom. How could I not? How could I wish her back into her earthly, broken body when I know she is at peace, filled with joy and IN THE PRESENCE OF JESUS!! And while I celebrate, I'll feel mildly blue for me and mine, and keep on keeping on.

Firsts and Lasts

The last day of school was yesterday. It hit me today that it was the last day I will ever have a 1st grader. And it was Katie's last day of elementary school. It makes me a little sad. Much as I love to see my children learn and grow and become the beautiful people God created them to be, I can't help but wish I could hold on to each stage just a little longer. To relish the little moments. To oooh and ahhh over the paper farm she made, to listen to him stumble over those first lines in a book, to experience the wonder when she finally says "I can read!" after a lengthy struggle, to see her little face light up over penguin math. First grade - the wobbly handwriting, the hesitant reading, the discovery of addition and subtraction. Oh, I wish I could just savor it a little while linger. As I wished I could hold on to each age and stage - the newborn smell, the toddler walk, the two year old talk, and all of it.

We cleaned out the dress up trunk today. The girls were ready to part with some things that have been staple dress up items for many years. Gone are the plastic glass slippers. I was surprised and saddened to see Natalie wrinkle up her nose, tilt her head and smile and say "No, we don't need THOSE anymore." And to have Rosie laugh at how her heels hung way over the backs of them. Wasn't it just a few months ago they were traipsing around the house in them playing mommies? And gone are the princess tiaras and a little tutu. I think we are out of the Disney princess stage. And we are on to the "Let's play salon" stage. Which happens to be a very cute stage as they play with each others' hair, rub lotion into their feet for a massage and apply play makeup in front of their mirror. At least they still play mommies.

As for firsts, there have been some good ones lately. Katie got 1st place for long jump in the district wide 5th grade track meet. And 1st in the 100 yard dash in her heat of eight girls. People have told me that they love to watch her run. Cameron had his first solo in jazz band at the last concert of the year. He did a great job - didn't even seem nervous. Katie got glasses the other day. A first for her. She likes them a lot. She can see details so much better now! And she looks so cute in them.

Yesterday was the first official day of summer break. It felt more like Spring break with the weather cloudy and cool! The kids had a great day. We sat down and made up a summer 'daily schedule'. :) It makes me smile that they love check off charts and having a schedule. Kind of like their Mommy that way. They did all the chores we had lined up for the morning, and played in the afternoon. I heard the word 'Mom" so many times yesterday I thought I'd need a break! I forgot about that part of adjusting to summer. :) But I do love having them around all day!

Life is always moving, always flowing. Always there are firsts and lasts, always the leaving of one phase of life and entering the next. And though it is bittersweet, how wonderful it is that we are not stuck in one phase forever.

A Full Heart

The other day I sat reading Face Book status updates. A friend of mine had posted something so simple, yet it impacted me greatly. My friend Jeana had posted that she had just spent an hour cuddling in the hammock with two of her little guys gazing at the clouds and singing songs. I wondered when the last time I gazed at the clouds with my children was. I wondered when was the last time I had sat to play a game or read a book with them. Yes, I help with homework, chat at snack time, laugh and banter with them, and am always near. But lately I have felt like a Martha, and have been wishing I would be more of a Mary. (In the Bible there is a story of Lazarus's sisters Martha and Mary. Martha was busy preparing the house and working in the kitchen to serve Jesus, while Mary was at Jesus feet just listening and spending time with Him. Jesus said that Mary had chosen better.) There will always be another load of wash to do, dishes in the sink, my messy room that could use some cleaning, a thousand weeds to pull, and any number of tasks to take my time. But my children are fast growing up, and I wonder if I am missing opportunities to build a deeper relationship with them, to build into their lives, and just love on them while I have the time.

So as Reid and I went to bed last night, I shared my heart about this and we prayed that I would be aware of my time, use it wisely, and watch for times when I could have special moments with the kids. Again at Bible study today, I asked the ladies to pray that as summer approaches, I would be mindful of the needs of the kids, that I would enjoy them and spend time doing the things they want to do, and to use my time wisely so that I will have time to just "sit in the hammock and gaze at the clouds". At our house that looks more like lying on the trampoline gazing, but I guess that will have to do..... until I can convince Reid of our desperate "need" for a hammock. :)

Well, sometimes God answers our prayers real quick. After dinner tonight, Reid and I enjoyed some conversation while the kids played together out on the trampoline. It brought smiles to our faces to hear them giggling and squealing out there, all four enjoying each other's company for about an hour. Usually by then someone gets hurt, or there is some kind of bickering. :) As all good things come to an end, so did the light hearted play of the kids. Only it wasn't a fight, and no one was hurt; well, not physically. The older kids walked Natalie in and said "Mommy, Natalie is having a sad 'I miss Nana' moment." My littlest sweetie, who had taken such pride in the fact that she had not cried once since the memorial service in January (much to my concern) was hunched over, tears streaming down her rosy little cheeks, shaking with her crying. I scooped her up in my arms and sat with her and held her and let her cry. I asked her what it was that had made her sad. She said it was the bracelet that Katie had made for her. I asked if it was because it reminded her of the bracelet Nana had made her once a long time ago. She said no, it wasn't the bracelet, but the bracelet Katie made is pretty, and it made her think of how Nana loved pretty things. (This coming from my little girl who loves pretty, fancy things too - a touch of Nana in her personality.) I savored the moment, and was glad she was finally crying and letting herself feel the loss of someone who understood her so well.

The kids were all gathered around Natalie, helping to make her giggle again after her tears, and they asked if we could read some of Randy Alcorn's book 'Heaven For Kids'. This is a great book for kids who are dealing with the loss of a loved one. It talks about what heaven is like. While I was reading, the book touched on salvation, the core of our belief in heaven. Rosalie asked a question, and I asked her if she had prayed and asked for Jesus' gift of salvation. She said she hadn't (though I know she has before :) ). So we prayed. I think this time she had a clearer understanding, a tangible example of what it means to us that we will get to go to heaven some day and be with Jesus, and Nana, and Gramps, and others who believe and have gone on before us. What a precious moment! I think she is old enough now that she truly grasped what we were talking about, and with the fresh example of Nana on her heart, it all made a little more sense.

Wow! I asked for special moments with the kids, and look what I got! Thank you , Lord! And here is yet another fingerprint of God on this journey of losing my Mom. Through her death has come the assurance of Rosalie's eternal life. Life from death. Beauty from ashes. Ah, Lord, You are amazing. And my heart is full.

The Weekend - Another Letter to Mom

Hi Ma!

Sometimes I just wish we could have one of our chats over a cup of coffee or tea. How I would love to "pop in for a visit" right now. Instead I guess I'll write you a letter, and pretend that we are having that visit, one sided though it be. :)

Friday was Katie's birthday. Oh, you would laugh to know what I did! I was adding ingredients to her cake, and added 1 1/4 cups of oil instead of water! Nice! At least I realized my mistake before baking it! I ran to the store for another mix, and was on my way.

I lost it today when I went to prepare for the Spring tea at church. How you would have loved to hostess a table! I was going to use your china for my table, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, just getting out my own pretty china and teapot was torture enough! Sitting on top of my china in my cupboard, I found the place setting of Old English Garden china that you had tucked away in your "gifts to the Kisling's" bin. (Dad just let us have all those things once you died.) Remember how we both used to think it was so pretty? And how the roses reminded us of our legacy of rose gardens in our family? I'll have to get some more of that set somehow. It's so beautiful, and reminds me so much of you. Once I dropped off my china at the church and had a few tears with the secretary, Debbie :), I was OK again. The ladies at church set my table for me so I wouldn't have to struggle through it. Funny how china and tea parties can trigger such sadness and longing for you.

After I dropped my things off at church, I went shopping for Katie's present from Reid and me. I went to Jo Anne's and got her a sewing basket and all the supplies she needs to have her own kit. It was fun to pick things out for her.

That evening we had Dad come for dinner. Katie wanted enchiladas. After dinner it was time to open presents. You should have seen Katie open her presents. She exclaimed over each one. Maybe she has a little of her Nana in her! :) She was so happy with each gift, from new head bands, to earrings, to a Nerf bow and arrow set. :) When she opened her sewing basket, she took out each little thing and examined it and asked about it's use. What a special girl she is!

While she was opening her presents, a humming bird hit our window. It was such a pretty little thing - blue head and green body. It was only stunned and flew away after a bit. (Thank goodness! Katie acted as though her life would be ruined if it died! :) )

Saturday morning was the Tea at church. It was fun. The girls all dressed up, and there was a brooch contest, so we all wore one. Remember those little lace doily ones I used to make for craft fairs? I wore one of those. Made me think of you and how you always passed on great craft ideas to me. We played a game or two and had a yummy potluck brunch.

Cam and Reid worked on the chicken coop all day. Cameron dug dirt and worked very hard. Growing up! The coop is now enclosed so the chickens can hang out in there during the day. At night they still have to be in their cage in the garage since the hen house part of the coop isn't done yet.... hopefully next weekend that can be finished up.

Sunday was Mother's Day. I was all geared up for it to be this really hard day, but you know what? It wasn't! It started early. Natalie and Rosalie were up at 6:50. They came downstairs in their robes and were out front sweeping the front porch and sidewalk as a little cleaning prize for me. Saturday night they swept and cleaned the back patio and kitchen for me too. I told them they were like special little fairies for Mommy. How cute! :)Then they served me breakfast in my chair - I didn't really want to be way up in my room, so we settled for my chair in the living room. Church was good. The only hard thing was receiving a few of those tear squeezing hugs from friends who knew what this day might be like for me. In the afternoon we worked some more in the yard. Then we went to Heirloom Roses to pick out my annual Mother's Day rose bush to plant in the front yard. We picked a red one. They had a little gift shop there. There were lots of things that reminded me so much of you - from garden knick knacks to pretty smelling soaps and teacups and saucers. It made me sad, but in a happy sort of way. It made me want to add to my teacup and saucer collection and to start one for each of the girls as a heritage from Nana. And it reminded me of all the fun times we had wandering through little shops like that, but with a smile on my face instead of a tear on my cheek. It was a good feeling.

We went to PF Chang's for dinner. YUMMY! Dad joined us. We had to wait awhile so went to the Apple store and to Border's. (Our poking around would have been so different if you were there! You and I might have sneaked off to Cold Water Creek, or Chico's - especially while the guys enjoyed the Apple store. Sigh.. such is my new life with just the men in the adult family around. :) Dinner was fun. The kids remembered the time you took one of Chang's napkins home accidentally and then mailed it back. And Katie insisted that if you were there you would have let her lick her dessert plate! :)We had the usual.... Mongolian Beef (or 'the golian beef' as the girls used to think it was called), lemon scallops, lettuce wraps and the little banana things (plus some Death by Chocolate!) for dessert. After that we came home and called it a day. I truly think it was a special gift from God that Mother's Day was not as hard as I thought it would be. And I know there were LOTS of friends praying for me.

So, today, I am missing you, but with warm memories and a smile (OK and a tear or two), not so much the painful, tears streaming kind of missing you. That will come again I am sure, but for now I'll 'enjoy' this milder, kinder missing. I love you. Mom. Happy Mother's Day - a little late. You were truly the best!