Mad! Mad! Mad!

If you know me well, you know that I don't like to cry. I don't like to cry in front of people and I don't even like to cry by myself. Well, all that went out the window today and I sobbed like I never have never sobbed before in my life. And why not? This is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life, so I guess to sob the way I did is fitting. I really don't like to think about the fact that someone is going to be reading this. (Obviously! If I don't like the whole crying thing, why would I like to advertise that I just spent the last 15 minutes doing it! :) )It is not a pity party. Just part of the journey. And if someone does read it, maybe somehow it will encourage someone, or mean something to them, or maybe they will be able to relate in some small way (or maybe you could just pray for me and our family. :) ).

So if I don't like this whole subject so much why write about it? Writing about this journey has become an outlet, a release, counseling sessions, a place to freely express my thoughts and feelings instead of keeping them inside. I'm not the greatest at expressing my feelings verbally. Heck, sometimes I don't even realize the feelings are there until I sit down to write, or start talking about prayer requests with my dear prayer group friends at Bible study. Then it all just pours out and I didn't even know those thoughts and concerns and feelings were in that brain of mine somewhere. Sometimes even as I speak them I am thinking to myself "Now where did THAT come from?!?"

So, you wanna know what I've been feeling lately? MAD! I'm not mad at God. Really, I'm not. And that surprises me a little. I understand that His ways are higher, and that He took Mom home right when she was supposed to go home. I understand that she is way better off there than she would be here. I'm glad Jesus took her when he did so that she didn't have to suffer any more. Really, I believe God's timing was good in many ways.

I'm not mad at Mom for leaving. Who could be mad at such a precious lady who meant so much to so many?

I'm just mad. Mad that I can't ask her how my new skirt looks and if she likes the necklace I just bought and ask her if she thinks it was OK to spend my money on it. Mad that she's not here to talk through my struggles with my children and give me fresh ideas on how to handle things. Mad that I can't just call her up to say "hi" and "how's your day" and hear her cheery voice on the other end of the line. Mad that I can't bring her a bouquet of lilacs from my lilac bush and thrill her with their beauty. Mad that she's not here to encourage my kids and rejoice in their achievements. Mad that she's not here to take my kids shopping for school clothes and have fun days at the beach with us. Mad that she's not here to build into my children's lives. Mad that I can't check in with her when Reid's out of town and I'm feeling lonely. And there's more, but I'll just stop there. I'm just....plain.....mad. It stinks! Big time!!!

Sorry for the ranting. This is just how it is. The nitty gritty truth whether you like it or not. No fingerprints today. At least not that I can see yet.

And yet.... I believe there will be fingerprints that come from this. I don't know when or how, but I do believe it. God will make something beautiful out of this yuckiness. And I am willing to walk this road for Him (as if I have a choice! :) ). I just wish we could hurry up and get to the good part and leave this place of pain. Oh, I know. It will always be there at some level. I will always miss my mom. More than I know, I'm sure. But I know there is a purpose for everything, and I know God makes beauty from ashes, strength from pain, something or other from mourning, etc. as some song says. And I trust that He is good. And so I open myself up to feel, to live, to experience pain, that He may work in me and use it somehow for His glory. Make beauty from these ashes, Lord. Amen.

And Mom would say... "You count your blessings!" So here's a little list of blessings in honor of you, Ma.

1. We had lots of wonderful years with you.
2. God has given me a precious family.
3. God blessed me with a true man of God for a husband.
4. God brought us back to Oregon in time to have a few years close to you.
5. God has blessed me with great friends and a wonderful church family.
6. It is Spring! :)
7. We are provided for amply even in a struggling economy.
8. Cameron, Katie, Rosalie and Natalie - each their own person, each special and wonderful in their own way.
9. School is over for the day and the children will be home soon.
10. The smell of freshly baked brownies is wafting through the house. :) Hmm... better go "check" on them. :)

Final Installment on Rosalie's story.... I think!

The kids don't have school today. It's nice to relax a little. Usually that would mean no time for blogging, but I find myself alone-ish. :) Katie has friends over, Natalie is at a friend's house, Rosalie is at a friend's house, and Cameron is sleepily reading the afternoon away after spending the night at a friend's house last night. So we'll see how this goes. :)

So there I was with Dr. Andy, watching his excitement as he explained that there was a family with a son who reminded him a bit of Rosalie. They had found this organization called REACH Family Institute (http://reachinstitute.org/) and taken their son to see them. They had been to see Dr. Andy just the week before (remember the timing of my appointment?) and Dr. Andy had seen huge improvement in this boy, as had the family. So much so that they left the information about REACH with Dr. Andy and told him to share it with others and even call them for more information. I walked out of his office with hope and a lighter step.

I called the mom of Dr. Andy's patient, and she was very informative and helpful. I called REACH. As I spoke with Charlie, I wondered if it would be any different. I wondered if he, too, would brush us off as if Rosalie would make it OK in life and not to worry too much. I asked him at one point if her behavior or the things I saw in her sounded like something to be concerned about and guess what? He got it! He got Rosalie. He got what we had been through to try to find help for her. He got my feelings of helplessness!! He just plain got it! I was overjoyed and relieved and blessed. We made an appointment for Rosalie. Little did I know that we were about to embark on a life changing journey. A challenging, but oh so rewarding journey!

We went to the REACH headquarters in Medford in August of 2008, right before school started. The first day of the evaluation we gave Rosalie's history. They asked all kinds of questions about my pregnancy, the birth, Rosalie's first years and all that we had done with her. It was fun, and taxing as well. The second day was an all day lecture for just Reid and I. (With the other couple who were there with their sweet daughter born with Hydra encephaly, a condition in which part of the brain is actually missing.) We learned incredible things about brain development, how the brain works, REACH's research and history, and their method of addressing brain injured children's difficulties. I love that they see the potential in every child, that they begin by working with what your child CAN do and build on it, not with a list of the obvious things your child cannot do. They love children, love your family, love your child and are wonderful people just to be with. Their names are Charlie and Conceicao Solis, a husband and wife team. They believe that parents are a child's best teachers, and that the family is the best place for a child with developmental or special needs to grow and learn. (I could go on and on, but will stop here and try to finish my story!) The third day, Charlie and Conceicao sat down with us and gave us a program uniquely designed to address Rosalie's needs that included work with speech, occupational therapy type activities, and much more. Activities that would go back and retrain Rosalie's brain where she had missed crucial development somehow. Once the basics were retrained, we could build from there and work on higher and higher brain level learning. There is so much more here, but 1. I don't feel qualified to speak for the Solis's beyond my own experience, and 2. It would fry my brain to try and explain it all, and then I would find myself in need of the program! :)

Over the last year and a half, Rosalie has made huge leaps and bounds of growth! She is less shy, is more confident and happy, able to keep up with her siblings and peers physically, interacts with other adults besides just Reid and I, looks people in the eye (even if she IS too shy to speak to them sometimes), has improved her vision, her voice is strong and sure instead of just above a whisper, she is more adventurous, is less picky with her foods, doesn't melt down anymore, has learned to read and is reading chapter books (I didn't know if she would ever be able to read!) and much much more.

We just returned from a re-evaluation and re-arrangement of Rosalie's program with REACH. We go every 4 months. Rosalie has steadily improved since day one... no plateaus, just consistent, steady growth. It is amazing and awesome, and she is an inspiration to me with all her hard work and her "can do" attitude. She's a fighter, determined in her own quiet way. I'm not even sure she realizes the magnitude of all she's accomplished in the last year and a half. But I am so proud of her.

Yep, I'm teary. I didn't think that would happen with this story, but oh well. They are tears of joy and pride in my little girl. And the rest of the family too, who have all been a big part of Rosalie's success, cheering her on when she was reluctant to continue, joining her in her hour + per day "therapy" program to make it more fun for her, encouraging her to join them in their adventures, helping her along the way, and loving her through all this.

I skipped so much of this story. I didn't mention all the work involved in helping Rosalie, or what life was like for us before we found REACH, but I would be more than happy to go into more detail with anyone who is interested. REACH helps kids who have been labeled ADD, ADHD, dyslexic, sensory integration dysfunction, aspbergers (sp?), developmentally delayed, and more severe problems like down syndrome, autistic.... the whole sha-bang. Pretty much, if your child receives any kind of therapy, or receives special help at school, REACH could help your kiddo, and change your life. They have helped families all over the world, and yet they live right here in Oregon.

If I can figure this out, I'll post a picture of Rosalie taken right at the beginning of kindergarten, a year before we found REACH, and a picture of her now. Of course there is age difference, but if you look closely, you'll see it. The transformation of a child. A beautiful child, I might add. :) Wow. Thank you Jesus. One big huge fingerprint of God on our lives.

Rosalie's Story Continued

I left off yesterday with Rosalie getting help through Early Childhood Intervention. Early Childhood Intervention ends when children turn 3. At that point, if they qualify, they can go to a public preschool where they do things with occupational therapists, speech therapists and other needed therapy. Well, guess what. Rosalie barely passed her testing and therefore did not qualify for the preschool. Good news, right? Well yes, but no. Without that preschool, we would need to go to private therapy to get any more help for her. And she still needed lots of help. We found a wonderful group of therapists who worked together under one roof. And so began a very expensive year of private speech and occupational therapy. I drove half an hour round trip to therapy twice a week where Rosie received the needed attention for an hour each time. It was time consuming and costly, but we did see improvement in Rosalie's ability to communicate, learn and move appropriately.

In May of 2005 we moved to Oregon. Hurray!! Rosalie's therapists did a final evaluation. Her speech therapist said she was close to age level, and if we were staying in Dallas, she would only see her for about 6 more months. She also warned us that it may be difficult to get her connected with someone in Oregon because she was not urgently needing speech therapy. Her occupational therapist released her, but encouraged us to keep her involved in some kind of activity that would encourage muscle strength and endurance.

Upon moving to Oregon, we decided to have Rosalie evaluated at a prestigious medical facility in Portland which will remain unnamed. :) We were quite disappointed with the outcome. She went through speech, occupational, fine motor, gross motor, vision and learning testing. At the end of it all we were basically told that she was close enough to age level that there wasn't much they could do and that we would have to wait until she got into school to do anything further for her. WHAT!?!

By now maybe you are beginning to see a pattern with Rosalie. She was pretty much always functioning just barely above that invisible line. A line that meant if she was below it, she could get help, but being just above it meant that we were on our own. Having been in the field of education and having two older children who were thriving, I (and Reid) could tell that we needed some serious help in order for Rosalie to reach her potential, but we were at a loss at this point. We decided to enroll her in 3 yr. old preschool at the age of 4. I have never regretted that decision. She has always been a year older than her class peers, but really seems to be right in the middle of the mix... not above... and many times a bit below where her class is.

As kindergarten approached, I was concerned that she still was unable to identify all her letters, and did not know all the sounds. Now some of you may think this is no big deal, but given the two years she spent in preschool (the 4 yr. old preschool one in which most of the students were reading by the end of the year), the time we spent working with her at home, and the track record of her siblings, she should have been ahead of the game, not behind. At the very least, she should have been able to recognize her letters.

I spoke with the principal about my concerns. She told me not to worry too much about it. Children learn at different rates and the school system doesn't really do any testing until 3rd grade. 3rd GRADE!!! But Rosalie was behind NOW! By the time she reached 3rd grade, there would be a huge gap between where she currently would stand and where she should be! Once again we felt very left to our own to struggle through this with Rosalie. Without help I feared she would fall through the cracks, barely getting by, but not severely enough "disabled" to receive any special helps through the school system. Outside therapy was not really an option either, based on her evaluation from that afore-mentioned place.

By now, 1st grade now loomed in the ever nearing future. Still unable to recognize all the sounds to the letters, Rosalie struggled on, and you can imagine my distress. Reid and I continued to pray for direction, wondering what in the world we were going to do.

Enter Dr. Andy. Ah... Dr. Andy, my hero. :) Dr. Andy was a great doctor. He was good with the kids, and had a real heart for Rosalie and her situation, though he wasn't sure how to help us. In May of 2008 (end of Kindergarten year) I was in Dr. Andy's office for some reason and he asked how Rosalie was fairing. I expressed my concerns about her ability to learn and interact with people. All of a sudden a light bulb went on in his head.

{ I firmly believe this Dr.'s appointment timing was from the Lord. I had tried to get in two weeks earlier, but there was no appointment available until the date that I "happened" to get in. Had I gone in when I intended, Dr. Andy would not have had the information he was about to give me. }

Alas, it is time to get off the computer! Cameron is due to arrive home any second, and then there are all the afternoon duties to attend to. I'll just have to leave you hanging. Sorry! (Kind of. :) )

The Story of Rosalie

Whew! Time flies, life happens and I find myself behind in all areas of life, including my blog. I started this as a means of helping me through the grief of no longer having my very special, sweet mom on this earth. However, I also recognize that God's fingerprints aren't just on the big things in life, nor just the hard things in life, but in and on every aspect of day to day living. So, my blog will continue to help me process my feelings concerning Mom's death, but will also be a record of God's fingerprints in many other areas of my life.

It has been on my heart lately to write about Rosalie's story. I hesitate some, for her sake. She has a right to some privacy concerning her struggles, but at the same time, it is a story of God's faithfulness and care, and I would like to share that with others. I hope as she gets older and grows in wisdom and grace, she would agree that if it can encourage someone it is worth the risk of sharing. For those of you reading this, please, please keep Rosalie's feelings in mind, as I'm sure you will.

Let me take you back in time. It is October. Rosalie is about 18 months old. Cameron is 5, Katie is 3 and I am 6 months pregnant with Natalie. Reid is hard at work, earning his PhD and working 50-60 + hours a week at his job. He has taken on the responsibilities of another employee who had to be let go and has not yet been replaced. Needless to say, he is barely hanging on, just doing what has to be done to make it through. I am trying to do life with a kindergartner and two toddlers and a super busy husband and being pregnant. This sets the stage for the beginning of a long, hard, yet rewarding road. As I write this, I know there are many who are on much harder journeys with their own children, and I commend them and have a huge respect and compassion for them. I guess God just knows what each person can handle, and as I've mentioned before, my "what I can handle" levels are pretty low. I'm not proud of it, and God is definitely growing me in this area. Thankfully He is allowing me to grow very slowly over a long period of time. :)

When she was 18 months old, I took Rosalie to the doctor with some concerns. She wasn't walking yet and I thought there may be a problem with her feet. The doctor asked me how many words she could say. I told him she mostly says "mama" with a few other words. He was a man of few words. :) He told me he was sending us to a developmental psychologist to have Rosalie evaluated. I wondered what that had to do with her feet! Well, I and my pregnant emotions took Rosalie to see the psychologist lady. After the evaluation, she told me that Rosalie, at 18 months old, had the physical capabilities of a 9 month old and the mental capabilities of an 11 month old. The diagnosis was Sensory Integration Dysfunction.

WHAT!?! I couldn't believe it! I mean, I could - I knew there was something not right, but.... what?! Why couldn't it just be her feet and we'd put braces on them for a while and she'd be fine? And what the heck was Sensory Integration Dysfunction!? To this day, it is still not very commonly known of by the general population. Basically it is a dysfunction in the way a person takes in and processes information through their senses. It can manifest itself in many different ways and on many different levels. I now understand this to be a brain development issue more than anything. For Rosalie, it meant that she had low muscle tone, wouldn't look anyone in the eye or speak to anyone but her immediate family, was very sensitive to noise, and basically wasn't learning the things toddlers her age should know. Other issues presented themselves as time went on, like tantrums for no reason, etc... but that will come out later in the story.

Well, thus started a year and a half of early childhood intervention. A sweet young speech therapist named Megan (or Mag-an as Rosalie called her) came to our house every week to work and play with Rosalie, and an occupational therapist came once a week to work with Rosalie on walking and other physical activities. Rosalie got glasses to help her see better, too. She learned to walk with a little miniature walker. It was very cute. I used to wonder what the neighbors thought of the cute little girl in the glasses using her walker with the hugely pregnant mommy walking beside her up and down the sidewalk. It was January when she finally could walk, albeit unsteadily, for a little ways at a time. We still had to carry her a lot.

In February, Natalie was born. Now I had 4 children, ages 5 and under, and a still very busy husband. AND I lived a thousand million miles away from any family! I struggled to keep it all together. Can you say post pardom depression? :) At the time I didn't recognize it for what it was, but looking back, I think that characterizes myself pretty well for that season.

So where are the fingerprints? Well so far, they are as follows...

* There was help for Rosalie's "condition"

* Our church family brought meals for over a month after Natalie was born.

* A lady from church who had no children of her own and lived just a few minutes away was a huge blessing to me during all this. She sewed beautiful dresses for the girls. She would come hold Natalie so I could give the other kids a bath without worrying about the baby. She would bring dinner at a moment's notice when I'd had a rough day and couldn't get it together. And she was just there to be an encouragement to me when I needed it.

* When Natalie was 6 weeks old, Reid had to go out of town for 4 days. A friend from church (who had a family of her own) came and stayed one of those nights with me while he was gone. Natalie had a cold and wasn't sleeping well due to her very stuffy nose. Stephanie sat up with her until 3 am so I could get some sleep. Oh yeah, there happened to be a tornado warning that evening. I was so glad Stephanie was there with me to help herd the kids into the tub and keep an eye on the news!

* I write this next fingerprint in all seriousness and with much gratitude. During a time of much marital stress, God kept Reid and I together. It was not an easy time in our marriage, and it sometimes wasn't pretty, but with God's help, we made it through! :) (It was during this time that my aunt told me to "Love your husband", which I mentioned in the last post.)

* One time when we had gone to Oregon for a visit, the ladies from church somehow got our house key and thoroughly cleaned the whole house for me. I was humbled beyond words - they folded piles of clothes, picked up my messes and the kids messes, stacked my papers neatly and made the place sparkle. What a blessing, embarrassing as it was.

Well, That's probably enough to chew on for the moment. The journey has just begun, but my fingers are tired, and I have a list of things awaiting my attention... laundry..... dishes..... cleaning, etc. I'll try to get back to this soon and not leave my story hanging!

And God Spoke

Have you ever felt like God was speaking to you? I mean not through scripture, but through a person, but like it wasn't the person speaking as much as it was God using that person for a microphone in a way so significant it only happens rarely. I have now experienced this twice in my life.

The first time I was in Lakeview at my Aunt Cindy's house. Her husband had died recently and I was visiting from Texas. Mom and the kids and I took a wonderful day trip from Klamath Falls to Lakeview to spend some time with Aunt Cindy and her kids. She had just finished showing us how she had decorated her bedroom. It was really cute and bright and cheery. As we walked out of her room, she grabbed my arm, drew me inches from her face, looked me in the eyes and passionately said "Love your husband!". There was an intensity in her eyes and a depth and annunciation in her voice that made me really take notice of her words. I can't really explain it, but I knew it was God using her as a microphone to send me an important message. At the time, Reid was in the middle of his PhD work, and we had four children ages 6 and under. We were also still processing the fact that our 2 year old daughter had significant developmental delays, and I was feeling very alone in working through that and just surviving with 4 young children (can you say post pardom depression?). Reid was just trying to survive working 50+ hours a week and doing PhD work, and getting little sleep. Needless to say, our life was a recipe for marital un-bliss. Thankfully that time in our lives was just a bump in the road, but what she said really hit home at that time. It made me re-evaluate how I was relating to Reid, and thus made me adjust my focus and behavior. I have never forgotten it.

The other day was a beautiful day. I had just arrived from walking the kids home from school and my precious neighbor Sharon (the garden lady :) ) stopped me to visit for a moment. She asked how we were doing - in reference to how we are handling Mom's absence. Then for some reason she asked me if I work part time. I told her no. I do clean house for Dad but just a few hours a week. I mentioned that I have been thinking about substitute teaching next year, now that my life looks a little different.

A year ago I still had Natalie home for half a day, and so far this year I had spent much of my day time helping or spending time with Mom and Dad. With Mom gone, life has felt a little empty. A lot empty, actually. I will not rush into anything, and am taking time to dwell in this place for a while, but the question of what next/now is in the back of my mind. I'm trying hard to be open to whatever the Lord may have for me, just waiting and listening, not rushing and doing. Through my Bible study on Esther, I am seeing Mom's death as a pivotal point in my life, and that God may use her departure as a means of redirecting my path in some way. I'm just not sure yet what that looks like.

Back to Sharon. As we talked, she looked at me with that same intense look I remember from Aunt Cindy, that same passion in her voice. I was breathless as she spoke, recognizing that here it was again. The Lord... using a godly woman as his microphone. Sharon told me that there is nothing more honorable or better that I could do for my family than to continue to be a stay at home mommy and wife. She said she understands that it may mean doing without things that other people have or get to do, but that there is so much more value in being there for the kids than in having more stuff, or a bigger house, or going on "neater" vacations. Funny - those were some of the things that appealed to me when thinking about the extra income we'd have if I substituted. (Not the more stuff part, but an addition on the house with a master suite and a bonus room, and some vacations besides camping and the very occasional bigger trip.) This time it wasn't a simple one sentence word from the Lord. And it wasn't necessarily a certain thing she said, as much as the many things she had to say about the value of staying at home even in a world where careers and prestige seem to take precedence over simplicity and stay home mommies. But I still recognize it as God speaking to me. As I look back on my life, that has always been my first and foremost purpose. I have always wanted to be a stay home mom and wife, to make my home a haven for my family, to care for them the best I know how, and not to fill my plate in such a way that I would not be able to carry out that purpose. For me, that means pretty much full time being at home (except of course for Bible study, volunteering at the school, and working for Dad). Whenever I start to do much more than that, I get stressed out and grumpy and am NOT a good wife or mommy! :) I must have a low stress tolerance. :) Besides, with the kids food allergies complicating my menu making, grocery shopping and meal making, spending 5-7 hours a week doing developmental therapy stuff with Rosalie (thank you REACH Family Institute!!!!! http://reachinstitute.org/ You have made such a huge difference in Rosalie's life!), and helping with homework and activities for 4 children, I already feel like I have plenty of work to keep me busy!

Don't get me wrong. I know that some moms need to work just to make ends meet, and God calls some moms to make a difference in the career world, and still others might just pull their hair out if they were home all day :). This post is just about me and my calling, and the Lord speaking to me in a very personal way through a messenger. And who knows? Maybe this is just for now, and someday I will feel led to work outside the home, but for now, I think God is telling me that what I am doing is OK. In fact, He is telling me that what I am doing right now is honorable and of great value and that this is what His path for me looks like for now. May I do it well, and in a manner pleasing to my Lord and Savior. And may I always be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Miscellaneous Ramblings

Bear with me here.....

When I was 14 years old, Mom took me to this place in Lake Oswego called The Difference where they help you figure out what colors look good on you (whether you are an Autumn, Winter, Spring or Summer), help you pick complimentary make up colors and show you how to apply it well. These days they also help you know what styles of clothing flatter your body shape, and many other things as well. I have bought my cosmetics there ever since I was 14, minus just a few years in Texas when I decided it was silly to keep ordering it from there and paying shipping. Besides I had this wonderful friend who I could buy Mary Kay from right there in Dallas! What does this all have to do with anything?!..... I know you are asking! :)..... Hang on just a little longer.... When we moved back to Oregon, I went back to The Difference - yep, it's still there. Even some of the same lovely ladies work there. I got all new make up, and have been buying it there ever since. They also carry fun jewelry and some clothes. It's always fun to go in there. They know me, and they knew Mom. (Ahh, here's where it will all start to make sense. :) ) Over the last year, every time I go in there, they have asked about Mom and how she is doing. Many of them had been praying for her, and also prayed for my Aunt Pam who went through the leukemia experience a couple of years ago. (Yep, they know her, too!) Well, I have been needing to replenish my supply of a certain product they carry, but have been putting it off, knowing it would be a painful reminder, and that the ladies would probably ask about Mom. Yesterday I finally decided I couldn't live without my certain product any longer. :) I braced myself and went to The Difference. And yep, they asked how Mom was doing, and yep, I lost it right there in the store, and yep, the kind lady named Maggie gave me a long hug and told me how sorry she was. She told me she had lost her mother when she was 25 years old and her baby girl was just 10 days old. Wow! How hard that must have been for her! A reminder to me of being blessed to have so many wonderful years with my mom, and for my kids to have the chance to know her. So after being mostly fine for about a week, I left The Difference in tears and cried as I drove two exits down the freeway to Costco. Good thing I didn't have a wreck! :) I knew that going into that fun little shop would trigger the sadness gland, and even that it might make me cry, but I didn't quite expect it to be so hard. Oh well, it's good to cry now and then, and how fun to have that place full of memories with Mom - she loved the jewelry there! Maybe I should just buy myself some new jewelry every time I go in there in memory of Mom. Just kidding - maybe. :) (One miscellaneous ramble down, two to go.)

This next ramble is kind of weird, but I hope it makes sense to at least somebody. When I told my brother Kevin about it, he kind of laughed at me. That was just fine, because it IS kinda weird. I told him that it hit me that day that Mom won't ever be around again. See.... weird. :) I think what I was getting at though is that the permanence of her absence is becoming more real as the weeks go by. She won't be here ever again. And of course I knew that before, but the ramifications of it will be new and felt deeply every time there is another first. And as the years go by, I know her absence will be very clear at many a family event, a milestone reached by her grandchildren, and even her children, and even just in the day to day living.

Ramble number three.... GOD IS GOOD! And that ain't no ramble, folks! :) At the risk of sounding very self centered and vain here I will share something that has been on my heart lately. Mom was probably just about my greatest cheerleader. (What Mom isn't?) She was full of praise for me, and for all of us kids. She would often tell me she thought I was pretty, or that she liked my outfit, or my hair, that I was/am a good mother and wife, that she liked the way I painted such and such a room, etc. (You get the idea..) OK, here's the shocking selfish part... one day when she was sick, I actually asked her who was going to tell me that my hair was pretty when she was gone (She had just told me that, so it wasn't a random question). She laughed and told my dad he'd better keep up the praise. :) The reason I said that God is good up in that first sentence is that even though He doesn't have to, even though it may be a vain desire I have to be praised (or perhaps that I'm a 'words of encouragement' love language type person) God has sent people to fill in the gap for Mom in the praise department. :) A friend will tell me that she likes my hair on a given day, another friend recently told me what great kids Reid and I have, and a lady at The Difference said my coral colored shirt looked wonderful on me. I don't know if I just didn't hear those things before, or if they stand out more now that my main cheerleader is gone, but God has made it evident to me that He even cares about my desire for praise enough to send little showers of blessed praise my way through other people; sometimes even people I don't even know.

Oh my gosh! I have totally laid myself wide open bare for all the world to see! But if it helps even one person to see the goodness of God, to understand how deeply and intimately he loves His children, then I suppose it's worth the risk. Hope you love me anyway!

On the brighter side, things are going pretty well around here. We are enjoying spending time with Dad and my brother Kevin, who is living with Dad. Just today Dad helped me with a little tiny home improvement project (which I will not name as Reid is out of town and it's a surprise for when he comes home. That way if he reads this before he comes home, the surprise won't be ruined. :) ) It was fun to have Dad around, and to "help" him with my little project.

I had a "ladies night in" at Dad's house the other night. :) Dad was visiting my brother Mark and his family in Eugene, so I kicked Kevin out of the house for a Friday evening (sorry Kev!)and had some church ladies over to play games, eat goodies and chat. I viewed it as a mini retreat for those of us who could not attend the church retreat that weekend. It was lots of fun. One friend commented after looking at photos that it seems like I've had a happy life. I sure have. I hope I never take that for granted, and once again it was a reminder (from God probably :) ) to be thankful for the family I grew up in, and for all the wonderful years with Mom. Now they will still be wonderful years, but the memory making will just look a little different.

The cherry blossoms and daffodils are cheerful reminders that spring is close! The frogs in the pond across the street serenade us to sleep every night, though a bit loudly. :) The air is warmer, the sun shines more often and the days are longer. The Winter is over and it's time for new life, new beginnings, a new season. Just like life. Bring it on, Lord, bring it on!

A "Chit Chatty" Letter To Mom

Hi Mom!

I read a friend's blog yesterday. She had written a letter to her son who died in her arms moments after he was born. I can't imagine that kind of heart ache, can you? Anyway, I thought writing you a letter would be a great idea.

I sure missed you this last weekend! I gave Natalie a tea party birthday party for her and her friends on Friday afternoon. We used my china and my teacup collection and my nice stainless. I even had daffodils from our yard to put on the table! I made ribbon sandwiches, deviled eggs and a fruit tray. I think the whole fancy thing was lost on the girls, though. They were a pretty wild bunch. Even Natalie said the girls were too wild for her liking! :) Katie had a hard time missing you that night. Having a tea party reminded her so much of you, your love of pretty things and how we talked about having tea parties now and then since you'd be up here. She said she imagined you sitting next to Nattie with a cup of tea in a pretty tea cup. I had a dream that night that you WERE there, and that you enjoyed every minute of the tea party, and helped me set up and plan things for the girls to do. I believe that was God, letting me know that you saw, you enjoyed and maybe even had a cup of tea in a fancy teacup right at that time to be part of the party. :)

Saturday was cousin Rosalie's baby shower. Katie made a burp cloth and I made a towel and blanket. Rosie and Nattie had little gifts too. We took a gift from you, because you so loved attending the showers and celebrations of all our extended family. It was a beautiful sunny day. I let the girls pull out their Easter dresses "just this once" to wear. They all looked so pretty! The drive to Corvallis is one of my favorite drives, and I thought how you would have ridden along with us and how we would have had such a fun visit on the way there and back. Instead, I listened to the girls chatter in the back seat, and we had some fun conversations about the signs of Spring, and how we could see the 3 Sisters, Mt. Jefferson and Mt. Hood all at once. The sunset on the way home was gorgeous, and we talked about how God paints such lovely sunrises and sunsets. So, even though you were not physically with us, the ride and conversation with my pretty princesses blessed me. I was encouraged to be making and thinking of new memories we will create in this new life without Mom/Nana.

Cameron went on a ski trip with the youth group this last weekend. He snowboarded. He said it was fun, but he is SO sore! :) I almost quoted one of Dad's favorite sayings..."Those who dance must pay the fiddler", but decided his aching bod was doing enough to remind him of that! :)

Sunday night we had Dad and Kevin down to our house for a belated birthday dinner for Natalie. She chose Bruschetta chicken, spinach salad and cherry jello with applesauce in it. It was a yummy dinner and we topped it off with strawberry cake and ice cream. She opened presents and we watched some Olympics. It is fun to have Kev and Dad for dinner. I have invited them down about once a week since you've been gone.

Reid has been such a blessing to me lately. Not only is he my husband and my best friend, he is now also taking on the role of best girlfriend - at least for now, since you are not here. :) He's doing a great job of it, too, I must say! :)He has been a great listener, and is very understanding of my grief and my joy and the whole jumble of feelings I have with this brand new experience of living life without Mom. However, no one will ever quite fill your shoes, Ma.

It's Springtime! Or at least close. :) The daffodils are in bloom and the crocuses by my front door are peeking their pretty purple heads up. The Daphne by my front door is so fragrant! One can smell it all the way out at the street! My rose bushes, and yours too, have new growth on them. The cherry trees all over town are budding pink and white blossoms. You would have loved seeing all the Springtime color and growth! I can just hear you exclaiming over all the flowers and tree blossoms.

Cam will be home from school soon. I think I'll go start a load of laundry and make some chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies before he walks in the door.

I love you, Mom. I miss you so much. You were such a special lady. I'll see you soon, for as 2 Peter 3:8 says "....With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day." I'm sure I will write more letters to you. In a way it helps to be able to share the little things with you this way.

Loving you!
McSween :)