Mad! Mad! Mad!

If you know me well, you know that I don't like to cry. I don't like to cry in front of people and I don't even like to cry by myself. Well, all that went out the window today and I sobbed like I never have never sobbed before in my life. And why not? This is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life, so I guess to sob the way I did is fitting. I really don't like to think about the fact that someone is going to be reading this. (Obviously! If I don't like the whole crying thing, why would I like to advertise that I just spent the last 15 minutes doing it! :) )It is not a pity party. Just part of the journey. And if someone does read it, maybe somehow it will encourage someone, or mean something to them, or maybe they will be able to relate in some small way (or maybe you could just pray for me and our family. :) ).

So if I don't like this whole subject so much why write about it? Writing about this journey has become an outlet, a release, counseling sessions, a place to freely express my thoughts and feelings instead of keeping them inside. I'm not the greatest at expressing my feelings verbally. Heck, sometimes I don't even realize the feelings are there until I sit down to write, or start talking about prayer requests with my dear prayer group friends at Bible study. Then it all just pours out and I didn't even know those thoughts and concerns and feelings were in that brain of mine somewhere. Sometimes even as I speak them I am thinking to myself "Now where did THAT come from?!?"

So, you wanna know what I've been feeling lately? MAD! I'm not mad at God. Really, I'm not. And that surprises me a little. I understand that His ways are higher, and that He took Mom home right when she was supposed to go home. I understand that she is way better off there than she would be here. I'm glad Jesus took her when he did so that she didn't have to suffer any more. Really, I believe God's timing was good in many ways.

I'm not mad at Mom for leaving. Who could be mad at such a precious lady who meant so much to so many?

I'm just mad. Mad that I can't ask her how my new skirt looks and if she likes the necklace I just bought and ask her if she thinks it was OK to spend my money on it. Mad that she's not here to talk through my struggles with my children and give me fresh ideas on how to handle things. Mad that I can't just call her up to say "hi" and "how's your day" and hear her cheery voice on the other end of the line. Mad that I can't bring her a bouquet of lilacs from my lilac bush and thrill her with their beauty. Mad that she's not here to encourage my kids and rejoice in their achievements. Mad that she's not here to take my kids shopping for school clothes and have fun days at the beach with us. Mad that she's not here to build into my children's lives. Mad that I can't check in with her when Reid's out of town and I'm feeling lonely. And there's more, but I'll just stop there. I'm just....plain.....mad. It stinks! Big time!!!

Sorry for the ranting. This is just how it is. The nitty gritty truth whether you like it or not. No fingerprints today. At least not that I can see yet.

And yet.... I believe there will be fingerprints that come from this. I don't know when or how, but I do believe it. God will make something beautiful out of this yuckiness. And I am willing to walk this road for Him (as if I have a choice! :) ). I just wish we could hurry up and get to the good part and leave this place of pain. Oh, I know. It will always be there at some level. I will always miss my mom. More than I know, I'm sure. But I know there is a purpose for everything, and I know God makes beauty from ashes, strength from pain, something or other from mourning, etc. as some song says. And I trust that He is good. And so I open myself up to feel, to live, to experience pain, that He may work in me and use it somehow for His glory. Make beauty from these ashes, Lord. Amen.

And Mom would say... "You count your blessings!" So here's a little list of blessings in honor of you, Ma.

1. We had lots of wonderful years with you.
2. God has given me a precious family.
3. God blessed me with a true man of God for a husband.
4. God brought us back to Oregon in time to have a few years close to you.
5. God has blessed me with great friends and a wonderful church family.
6. It is Spring! :)
7. We are provided for amply even in a struggling economy.
8. Cameron, Katie, Rosalie and Natalie - each their own person, each special and wonderful in their own way.
9. School is over for the day and the children will be home soon.
10. The smell of freshly baked brownies is wafting through the house. :) Hmm... better go "check" on them. :)