Haiti

People keep asking me if going to Haiti was a life changing experience for me. And I keep wondering if something is wrong with me because it wasn't an earth shattering, life altering experience for me. It is more a subtle new awareness I've gained by being there.

I loved being in Haiti. I can't wait to go back, and to take my kids. I miss my brothers and sisters I got to know there, and love that we are connected now, in spirit, in prayer, by phone and email and on facebook. :)

How does one describe in words what it felt like to smell the smells, see the people, ride on the street, feel the heat, end the day sweaty, dusty, hot, but filled? To be served and to serve? I can't put it into words eloquently, but I will try to relay a taste of what I experienced and came away with.

Much of our time was spent at the home of the St. Gelus family. Pastor Riccardo and his wife Misselaine have a vibrant ministry in Port Au Prince. They pour themselves and their resources into serving the people around them. It was such a blessing to be with them, to see their passion and love for people and for God. Our team put running water and solar power and appliances into their house. No more outhouse. No more outdoor water pump. No more cooler full of ice to cool things. Hello toilet, shower, kitchen sink, washing machine. Hello ceiling fans, dryer, and refrigerator. Things we just expect to have in our houses in America. God used us to bless them, so that they can be even further equipped and freed up to bless others. And that blessed us.

Riccardo and Misselaine are wonderful, humble people. They are content. They work hard. They have 6 great kids. :) I learned from them to remember that our joy, our contentment comes from Christ and in serving Him, and that the weather, my old ratty carpet with matted spots and a rip or two, my weedy yard, and many other "inconveniences" aren't worth complaining about.

Time was slower in Haiti. It seemed that we spent a lot of time trying to get from one place to another, just trying to buy supplies, eating :) and spending time with people. But you know what? Everything we set out to accomplish got done. And more! After about the third day, I stopped stressing about what time it was, and how we were going to spend the time we had, and just let myself go with the flow and be flexible. And I was always surprised at how much time seemed to be in each day! Coming home, that means not always rushing around trying to get my tasks done before I spend time with my family and friends, and realizing that everything will get done in time. And it does. :) People should often be a higher priority than tasks, though practically speaking there must be time for tasks too.

I loved spending time with the kids at Vacation Bible School. I loved playing with Emannuel and Rothschild (Riccardo and Misselaine's youngest two) and their cousins and friends. I loved riding around and laughing and talking with Jerry (their son) and Reggie, a family friend. They translated for us and drove us all over the place. I loved having long talks with Lindel, the neighbor teen who also translated for us. He was so hungry for learning and knowledge - a sponge. I loved sitting with Misselaine, even though we were unable to converse much because of the language barrier. She is very dear to my heart. I loved hearing Riccardo talk of his dreams for ministry, and seeing him interact with all of us, and all of the people that were always in and out of his house. I loved trying new fruits and foods. I loved visiting the kids in the orphanage. I loved getting a taste of Palto's life (their son who lives here in Newberg now and goes to our church.) I loved being there with my Dad, seeing him be God's hands and feet. I loved watching my husband preach while Riccardo interpreted, and seeing him serve in this country. I loved the unity of our team, and getting to know the other 11 members of our team even better than I knew them before. I loved riding through the streets and seeing all the people. I loved being about the only white people in a huge city. I loved being surrounded by children speaking Creole and trying to learn some of their language. I was fascinated by the traffic and the roads, how the people live, the tent cities, the street markets. I was saddened to see the destruction from the earth quake, the garbage filling the sidewalks and streets, the thousands of displaced people trying to get by day to day.

I'm not sure when we'll get to go back, but I know we will. And I look forward to it with an eager heart. Eager to see God do more amazing things. Eager to serve. Eager to bless and be blessed. And most of all, eager to spend more time with the family and friends I fell in love with there.

Entering New Territory

When Cameron was just a few weeks old, a lady who's children were grown came up to me at church one day and said "Just think, some day he'll have a deep voice and facial hair." I was a little irritated at the time, him being my first tiny little one, and me enjoying all the newness of a baby. :)

But guess what? She was right! :) At 14, his voice hasn't changed quite yet, and the facial hair is minimal, but it's coming. And he's a couple of inches taller than I am. Already at 5'11", I'm sure he'll be passing up Reid in just a few more months!

Lately it seems we've had to loosen our grip more than I am ready for, and it's happening fast. First came the night he asked "Mom, when am I allowed to ask someone to go out with me?" Uh-oh, here we go! (By the way, we decided it was alright, as long as he agrees to the parameters we set for him.)

Today, he rode his bike to the park to meet up with his friends. No big deal, right? Well, this park happens to be in Newberg, a whole 3 or so miles away. Still no big deal, right? The big deal is that in order to get there, he had to ride 2 miles along the side of Highway 99, just feet away from zooming cars and trucks. YIKES! I was a little nervous about it, but he arrived safely and called to check in once he got there. Besides, it's Saturday afternoon, and traffic is pretty tame at this time of day.

Sigh. Why do they have to grow up so fast? And why do we have to enter these new waters, inexperienced and fumbling our way through each new stage of a child's life? I have a feeling we are on the brink of some of the harder years, where the decisions we make and what we choose to allow or disallow is of a greater magnitude than ever before. I have a feeling that the letting go a little at a time is going to be oh so hard, and yet could be oh so sweet.

I love watching my children grow up and become young adults. They are becoming such wonderful young people! I just wish there was a way to know how to navigate these new waters with the kind of wisdom and grace that will bring them through safely, with maturity, confidence and most importantly, living lives that glorify God. Guess we have to leave that to the Lord, and just do the best we know how.

Here's my young man, then and now.

"I'll Have My Peace 'to go', Please"

It seems that as the kids get older, life speeds up. Oh how I wish it wasn't so! I want to be able to take time to savor the little moments of everyday life, to really be able to take notice of and enjoy the seemingly insignificant, mundane happenings in the life of our family. For much of this year I have prayed for time, good use of time, more time, better discipline with my time, etc. Slowly over the last couple of months I have come to a realization. No matter how I strive for more time or better organization and discipline with my time, or ask the Lord to help me in these areas, I think He wants me to learn to find my peace in Him, not in a controlled and "peaceful" life. Let's face it. Life just ain't gonna slow down much for a while!

My peace should not come from my ability to control my schedule. Peace does not equal more time, or a slower, less crowded schedule. I mean, really, when one has 4 children and a pastor husband, it's pretty unrealistic to expect a calendar with more than a few bare squares, especially toward the end of the school year. And it's not because I have my kids signed up for everything under the sun, either! It's just the regular stuff of life like orthodontist appointments, piano lessons, and a sport or two, combined with band concerts, trips out of town and other usual stuff. I keep thinking "After THIS, things will slow down. Oh... wait, next is THIS. Ok, well, after THIS things will slow down. Oh... wait, next is THIS." And so on and so on. So if I cannot find peace by slowing down, or making sure I have enough alone time, or enough days at home to make sure I'm caught up with laundry and housekeeping, how am I going to keep my sanity?

Now maybe this is a no-brainer for some folks, but it's been a slow lesson for me to learn. My peace can only come from the Lord. Only in Him is true peace. True peace is not dependent on a slower pace of life, or making sure I get time to myself, or even having a clean uncluttered house. (I certainly wouldn't mind having those things contribute to my peace though!) John 14:27 says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Philippians 4:6 and 7 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I like what my Bible notes say about that Philippians verse. It says "God's peace is different from the world's peace. True peace is not found in positive thinking, in absence of conflict, or in good feelings. (Or in my own ability to control my life.) It comes from knowing that God is in control."

But still, how do I actually get to this place of peace? Well, I think I'm learning. I must stay connected to my Lord throughout my day. I must live out of a place of communion with Him. When I have this, I can live out of a thankful heart, too. And the funny thing is, when I live with Him right beside me, praying that He is my peace, I tend to be more aware of those seemingly insignificant, mundane happenings in the life of our family, and can enjoy them much more than when I am striving to control my circumstances and schedule on my own. Now, if I could just practice what I preach! :)

My Facebook Ponderings

Facebook. Friend or foe? Good or bad? Addiction? Lack of discipline or lack of trust? These are the thoughts floating around in my head lately. Don't get me wrong. This is just a personal thing. I'm not judging anyone else's use of facebook. I rather enjoy it myself. But....

Back in February I decided I needed to take a break from Facebook. I was just spending way too much valuable time on it. I'd check it first thing in the morning. I'd check it every single time there was a comment on my page. I'd check it almost every time I walked through the room. I'd check my Scrabble and Word Twist games several times a day to see if it might be my turn yet. It was filling a void in my days, and keeping me from spending time on important things like the tasks and relationships within my home.

I thought I'd take a break for a few weeks. Well, that has turned into a few months. I really haven't missed it as much as I thought I might. But I do miss the connection with friends both far and near. Life has been very full, and I honestly don't know how I did have time for all that facebooking I was doing. But now I find that things are slowing down a bit. And I have run into a few old Facebook friends lately that say they miss me on there. And I find myself wondering if I could handle just a little bit of facebook here and there. I am actually a little afraid. Am I lying to myself to think that I could have the discipline to monitor my use wisely? After all, I couldn't manage it a few months ago. Is it a matter of self discipline or a matter of trusting God to fill my voids and trusting Him to give me the strength and discipline to use it wisely? Do I treat it as a temptation? Aren't we supposed to run from temptation, not put ourselves in it's path? I don't know the answer to all that, quite honestly. I'm thinking and praying about it. This may sound like I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I need to. But for me, it is a big deal. I'm not sure what I will end up doing. Maybe I'll wait a while longer. Maybe not. Maybe I won't go back at all. Sheesh, I just don't know.....

(Such a random post after not posting for two months! Oh well. :) )

Snippets of a Katie-girl's Life

(Written a couple of weeks ago....)

Yesterday morning she wandered down bleary eyed, barely awake. She took her usual waking up spot on the kitchen floor in front of the heater. I gave her a mug of "kid coffee" to help her open her eyes a little bit. In a sleepy not so little anymore voice she said "Mom, I have this song in my head. I think I remember it from Dallas. Do you know what it is?" And she hummed a few notes. It was "Lord I Lift Your Name on High". It was her very favorite song when she was four years old. She would sing it all the time. Sometimes she stood on our little plastic kid table in the middle of the living room, her flowery sundress swaying as she moved and sang. Her little girl voice would waver and crack when the notes got a little high, but she sang it with all her heart, motions and all. And now here she sits, on the very precipice of womanhood, still so much a little girl, but growing more every day into a beautiful young woman. I love watching her grow and mature, but I wish there was some way to capture the moments lost, the little girl in the flowery dress singing her heart out. I had forgotten about her favorite song when she was four.

Tonight I watched her play her oboe in the band concert, a look of concentration on her face, counting out the beats, playing her best. But then I saw it. The little girl still there. When the song was finished, she searched out my face in the crowd, and gave me a big, happy smile. What a joy she is!









Isn't she a beauty? :)

Ready to Grow.....(I think)

As a follower of Jesus Christ, it is common to pray for spiritual growth, or for God to grow a person's faith in Him. I have prayed that kind of prayer often in my life. That is up until Mom got sick with Leukemia. I thought I wanted to grow in my faith, but not like that. "Lord, I want to grow, but do you have to take my Mom?" (As if it is all about me! :) ) So I haven't prayed for spiritual growth since she died. Underneath it all, I do really want to grow closer to God, to have my faith grow deeper, but on the surface, I don't want to experience pain in order to do it. Not that growth always means pain! Lately I've seen how faith can grow by the testimony of God's goodness in the lives of those around me.

Take my Dad and his soon to be bride. :) (Yep! For those of you who didn't know, Dad is getting married in May to a wonderful lady named Mary.) I see how God has orchestrated many things to bring about this marriage, and the goodness and faithfulness of God leaves me shaking my head in awestruck wonder at it all and how it has come together. So it has grown my faith in the goodness of God, and how much he cares for us, His children, and how I can trust Him.

Of course I understand that God didn't take my Mom home just to cause us pain here on earth, but there is a new depth in my closeness with Him, and a new depth and passion for Him in my dad as a result of walking this painful road. He has used even the pain of losing my mom and best girlfriend to grow me into a deeper, better person.. a person better able to serve Him, more equipped to minister to others around me.

Recently I feel I have been through a time of rest and restoration. I had the privilege of attending a day of prayer at our church that was very rich, and was able to attend a women's retreat with my aunt's church where my other aunt was the speaker. What fun to spend time with my mom's sisters and my cousins, and what a blessing to hear my Aunt speak and watch my family at work in ministry! And to rest in the safety of a group of women with common faith.

Most recently, I attended our church women's retreat. Oh what glorious teaching and wonderful worship! And more learning about God's goodness and how we can trust Him. It was a wonderful finale to what felt like a month of being bathed in His Word, His care, His love, and His divine plans. As a result of this month long blessing from the Father, I felt I was finally ready to pray for growth again, knowing that it doesn't have to mean something traumatic must happen, and having seen how the goodness of God also produces growth, and knowing that I can trust Him to always bring good from every circumstance (Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.)

So, I prayed that God would grow my faith in Him. Well, guess what. God is giving me a new opportunity to grow my faith and trust in Him. It didn't take Him long to grant that request! :) Our church is putting together a small group of people to travel to Haiti in July, to partner with a pastor there and do mission work. Everything from helping at an orphanage to construction, to just blessing the pastor's family to pastor training for the pastors of new churches down there. Reid is going on this trip for sure, and I am invited to go as well. Let me rephrase that. God is calling me to go as well. So here's what rolls through my mind..... "What?! Me! You know I hate hot, humid weather. And yeah, I suppose I could deal with the weather, but how can I leave my kids for two weeks?! Especially with their food allergies and stuff! And what if something happens to Reid and me while we're there? Huh?! Who will love my kids the way we do!? Who would take in all four of them so they wouldn't be split up?" Tap. Tap. Tap. "Carrie, do you trust Me? Don't I love your children even more than you do? Do you trust me?" "But, Lord, is it even OK to leave one's children for that length of time? I grew up with this value that you just don't leave your kids behind except for a very occasional short time, like an anniversary weekend or something. What do I do with that?!" "Obey My call, and I will take care of all the details, calm your fears and give you peace." "Really, Lord? It's that simple?" ...........

So Tuesday, I wrestled with this all day long. In the morning, my prayer group ladies prayed for me, that God would show me what He would want me to do. By Tuesday night, I had decided I MIGHT be able to handle going for one week. At our small group that night, I asked if my friends could please pray for me in this. My friend Fawn prayed in such a perfect way. I don't even remember what she said, but I remember feeling that she knew exactly where I was coming from, and what I needed in prayer.

Along with all the prayers, I had to laugh at the way God was speaking into this situation. On Monday night I worked through my Bible study lesson for Tuesday morning. The last question was "What would be the hardest thing for you to give up?" The answer (no brainer, here - my family). Tuesday morning as I was talking with Reid about his early morning men's group, he told me one of their key questions of the morning was "What is God calling you to do that you are afraid of?" (Ummm, go on a trip to Haiti and leave my children behind?) And then on the radio Wednesday morning, I heard Larry Crab ask the audience what idols they have in their lives that they need to give up (Ummm, maybe my family?). Wow. Hammered! :) And Wednesday night as I met with the Women's leadership team for church, I asked if it was OK to leave one's children for 2 weeks to go on a mission trip. They all looked at me with serious, emphatic, big eyeball looks and nodded vigorously "Yes!" Oh, and get this.... I received an email from the mom of one of Cam's friends asking if he would be able to go on a houseboat trip to Shasta Lake with their family the week of July 10th, which happens to be the first week of the Haiti trip. Hmmm! :)

Somewhere between Sunday evening (when this all started) and Thursday morning, the peace I was seeking slowly filled me. It's amazing, really. Complete and utter peace. And I knew that I was supposed to say "yes" to this. Not just for one week, but for two. And I am no longer fearful or worried about who will take care of the kids while we're gone. Several people have already offered, and I am confident that the Lord will work out all the other details. And my more logical side is thinking that we will be fine and safe and come home and live happily ever after with our family and it will be just fine.

So I have experienced two forms of spiritual growth over the last couple of years that have had a big impact. Growth through pain and grief and growth through seeing the goodness and trustworthiness of God. And now I am going to experience growth in a new way - through the challenges of preparing and going on a mission trip to Haiti. And I'm excited!!! :)

One last thing. If you think of it, pray for the kids. They are good with me being gone for one week, even excited about it. But they are not so sure they can handle it for two weeks. I'm hoping to gradually warm them up to the idea. :) Oh, and also, I'm sure I've been experiencing some levels of growth in my daily walk with the King, but these examples are the huge ones that seem to intensify my growth beyond the daily experience.

One Year

Dear Mom,
One year ago today, you left this broken land for a beautiful, Holy, joy-filled Christ-centered existence. All your cares and worries, your weary body, your hurts, your pains were replaced with rejoicing and newness. Wow. I'm jealous. :) I long for the day when we here on earth will join you. But I know that God is not done with me here yet. If His purposes for my life were fulfilled, I would not still be here.

Don't get me wrong. I love it here. It is beautiful, as much as I know beauty. I have precious family and friends and have a wonderful life. But for those of us who believe and know Jesus, there will always be a hunger for or longing for our true home, our Father, and the loved ones who have gone before us to be with Him.

I saw a quote on Facebook yesterday. It said "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss said it. It sounds like something you would say. You used to say "Now that's enough! You put your smiles on!" :) And I've been thinking about it too. I don't want to dwell in the place of if only's and I wish's. Instead I want to dwell in a place of thanksgiving and joy. I am so thankful that I had such a wonderful mother for 38 1/2 years! And even more thankful that you were not just my mom but also my closest girlfriend. There is much to be grateful for, and it is a balm to the ache in my heart.

In the time since you've been gone, my eyes and heart have been opened to the many other wonderful girlfriends God has surrounded me with, from your sisters and my cousins, to the mom's of my kids' friends, to my church friends and even neighbors. God has caused me to see the richness all around me. Also, and very precious to me, has been the realization (not the "ah-ha!" kind, but the "fulfillment of a desire" kind) that my own daughters can be my close friends as well (Cam, too). (This assumes that the reader understands that Reid is my very closest friend next to Jesus. Also, Dad has become even more precious a friend. There's just something different about girlfriends. Girls just need other girls. :) )

At the same time, I have these confused thoughts... Like, why should today be more sad than yesterday or the day before or the day before that? Why does your absence seem more pronounced today just because it is the one year mark? Should it feel different? It does. Why? I guess it's because we are bound by time. We mark time. One year is a milestone of sorts. "I have survived one whole year without my mom!" "So much has happened in the year since Mom died." I remember the events of that day, the people who were there, what the kids did that day, even what we ate for dinner. :) (Weird - we had the same dinner tonight without my planning it. Enchiladas. Yum.) How it felt to be with you when you breathed your last breath. The earthquake in Haiti. (I like to say that Heaven was rumbling with rejoicing at your coming home. :) )

I don't have the greatest memory. I don't remember details the way you did. Sometimes I wish I did, sometimes I'm glad I don't. But I don't like feeling like the little details that were you are fading just a little in my memory. I know you will always be a part of me. How could you not?! But I wish I could pick up the phone to your cheery greeting still, that I could hear your voice, listen to your laugh, have you tell one more squirrel story to the kids. And dang if I don't wish I could ask your advice with some of these parenting things! You were always so good about that! And I miss your encouraging ways, our little games we would play together to motivate ourselves to get housework done, the way you could pull me out of a pity party and make me instead count my blessings. Guess that's what I'd better do now. :)

Blessings: (Just a few...)

• I have an awesome husband and children.
• I have a wonderful Dad who lives just up the hill
• Because of your leaving, we have spent more time with Kevin and Mark and his family, and it's fun getting to be with them more. The kids have such a great time, and we adults are developing deeper relationships, too.
• I am the child of a God who comforts me through His Word, through friends and family, and through His Spirit.
• I had a wonderful childhood, with a great family and extended family that is very close knit.
• I had an amazing Mom/friend to grow up with and enjoy.
• God has always provided for our family above and beyond our expectations.

We closed out today up at Dad's house. We watched the digital picture frame slide show that Kev put together for Dad a year ago. The pictures started when you were a baby and went all the way through your last days. Then Dad lit a candle and prayed. It was very special and a perfect way to honor you and thank God for the gift of you in our lives. Oh - we ended the evening with brownies and ice cream. I'm sure you approve. :)

I love you, Mom. Thanks for all you were and are to me.