One Year

Dear Mom,
One year ago today, you left this broken land for a beautiful, Holy, joy-filled Christ-centered existence. All your cares and worries, your weary body, your hurts, your pains were replaced with rejoicing and newness. Wow. I'm jealous. :) I long for the day when we here on earth will join you. But I know that God is not done with me here yet. If His purposes for my life were fulfilled, I would not still be here.

Don't get me wrong. I love it here. It is beautiful, as much as I know beauty. I have precious family and friends and have a wonderful life. But for those of us who believe and know Jesus, there will always be a hunger for or longing for our true home, our Father, and the loved ones who have gone before us to be with Him.

I saw a quote on Facebook yesterday. It said "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss said it. It sounds like something you would say. You used to say "Now that's enough! You put your smiles on!" :) And I've been thinking about it too. I don't want to dwell in the place of if only's and I wish's. Instead I want to dwell in a place of thanksgiving and joy. I am so thankful that I had such a wonderful mother for 38 1/2 years! And even more thankful that you were not just my mom but also my closest girlfriend. There is much to be grateful for, and it is a balm to the ache in my heart.

In the time since you've been gone, my eyes and heart have been opened to the many other wonderful girlfriends God has surrounded me with, from your sisters and my cousins, to the mom's of my kids' friends, to my church friends and even neighbors. God has caused me to see the richness all around me. Also, and very precious to me, has been the realization (not the "ah-ha!" kind, but the "fulfillment of a desire" kind) that my own daughters can be my close friends as well (Cam, too). (This assumes that the reader understands that Reid is my very closest friend next to Jesus. Also, Dad has become even more precious a friend. There's just something different about girlfriends. Girls just need other girls. :) )

At the same time, I have these confused thoughts... Like, why should today be more sad than yesterday or the day before or the day before that? Why does your absence seem more pronounced today just because it is the one year mark? Should it feel different? It does. Why? I guess it's because we are bound by time. We mark time. One year is a milestone of sorts. "I have survived one whole year without my mom!" "So much has happened in the year since Mom died." I remember the events of that day, the people who were there, what the kids did that day, even what we ate for dinner. :) (Weird - we had the same dinner tonight without my planning it. Enchiladas. Yum.) How it felt to be with you when you breathed your last breath. The earthquake in Haiti. (I like to say that Heaven was rumbling with rejoicing at your coming home. :) )

I don't have the greatest memory. I don't remember details the way you did. Sometimes I wish I did, sometimes I'm glad I don't. But I don't like feeling like the little details that were you are fading just a little in my memory. I know you will always be a part of me. How could you not?! But I wish I could pick up the phone to your cheery greeting still, that I could hear your voice, listen to your laugh, have you tell one more squirrel story to the kids. And dang if I don't wish I could ask your advice with some of these parenting things! You were always so good about that! And I miss your encouraging ways, our little games we would play together to motivate ourselves to get housework done, the way you could pull me out of a pity party and make me instead count my blessings. Guess that's what I'd better do now. :)

Blessings: (Just a few...)

• I have an awesome husband and children.
• I have a wonderful Dad who lives just up the hill
• Because of your leaving, we have spent more time with Kevin and Mark and his family, and it's fun getting to be with them more. The kids have such a great time, and we adults are developing deeper relationships, too.
• I am the child of a God who comforts me through His Word, through friends and family, and through His Spirit.
• I had a wonderful childhood, with a great family and extended family that is very close knit.
• I had an amazing Mom/friend to grow up with and enjoy.
• God has always provided for our family above and beyond our expectations.

We closed out today up at Dad's house. We watched the digital picture frame slide show that Kev put together for Dad a year ago. The pictures started when you were a baby and went all the way through your last days. Then Dad lit a candle and prayed. It was very special and a perfect way to honor you and thank God for the gift of you in our lives. Oh - we ended the evening with brownies and ice cream. I'm sure you approve. :)

I love you, Mom. Thanks for all you were and are to me.