Christmas Letter 2010 (Blog Version)

It's been a few years since I took the time to mail a Christmas letter or even a card. This year I decided it would be much less daunting a task to blog a letter, and then mail it if I get around to it. I hope that's not cheating. :)OK, I know. It really is cheating, but I hope you'll forgive me. :)

The last year has been the most painful, yet the most amazing year of my life. For those of you who don't know, I hate to shock you right at the start of this letter, but that's just the way things go sometimes. My sweet and wonderful Mom went home to heaven last January. Yes, she died. It's hard to believe even still. She died the same day of the earthquake in Haiti. Guess she caused quite a ruckous when she left, huh? :)It has been a hard, but blessed year. We all miss her terribly. How does one ever fill the hole a mother and grandmother leaves? Only with Jesus, but even then, there is an emptiness in life without her. I have written about much of this journey in past blog posts, so for my blog readers, I won't dwell here. Guess I may have to revise this if I decide to mail a real live letter.

The amazing part of this year has also been a topic of my blog writing. Reid has been called to be the senior pastor of our church here in Newberg, Grace Baptist Church. It's quite a story, but again, it is recorded in past blog posts, so I don't need to rehash the details for you blog readers. :) (I begin to see that this plan of mine to blog the letter and just make a paper copy of it may not work. Shucks!)

I was browsing through pictures in iphoto to include in the paper letter version of this, and was pleasantly reminded of the many fun times our family has had over the last year. For Spring Break, we rented a large but cozy house with my Dad, brother Kevin, brother Mark and his family, and my Uncle Stewart. We stayed 4 nights, and the weather was, well, at least sometimes great. :) We went clamming, searching for agates, kite flying and the kids even went in the water! Brr! We played games, read books and went for walks. It was definitely a highlight!

We took our usual camping trips: 4th of July, a week at Crescent Lake with Dad, and Labor Day. We also went camping at the coast with some long time friends of Reid's and mine.

In August we went on a fishing/ camping trip with my Dad and my brother Mark's family. Our boats floated slowly down the Umpqua river, and we caught fish after fish after fish. It was great fun for all of us, especially the kids! The cousins all had a great time floating in the river on inner tubes when we weren't fishing. We took a side trip to some water falls and jumped off a cliff (OK, a large rock) into the river.

Also in August we went to Klamath Falls for a couple of days. We went fishing and on a picnic with Reid's parents and his sister Holly's family. It was fun! Only two fish were caught on that trip, but hanging out all day with cousins and grandparents and Holly was lots of fun.

We have added 8 animals to our family this year. It sounds like a lot, but don't panic! Seven of them are chickens. Reid and Cameron, with some help from Reid's dad built an amazing chicken coop in the back corner of our yard in late Spring. We enjoy having fresh brown eggs every day! And the chickens are very entertaining to watch.

The 8th animal is still quite new. Tiger the kitten has a story of her own. Katie has wanted a cat for years. She has cried over it, begged and pleaded, and prayed fervently for one, and even put it in the #1 spot on her Christmas wish list "Even though I know I can't have one." But because Reid is allergic, we have always thought it would not work, and that was that. In exasperation, Reid told her at one point "Katie, the only way you could ever have a cat is if we find some pitiful, sick little kitten on the side of the road someday!" Guess what? Are you laughing with me? :) One day when Reid was out of town, on our way to Katie's last soccer game of the season, we almost ran over a tiny little kitten in the road. I picked her up. She hissed. I texted Reid. He said we could keep her. We took her to the vet. She had fleas, worms, an eye infection and an upper respiratory infection. Pitiful, sick little kitten. The vet estimated that she was only about 6 weeks old. She is now full of life, healthy and playful. And so far, Reid's allergies don't seem to be an issue. I think he kinda likes her, though he will only hesitantly admit it. :)

As for the kids, they all continue to bring us much joy as we watch them grow. Cameron is 13 now. He is the same height as me - 5'9". He checks just about every day to see if he's passed me up yet. :) He is a great student, enjoys playing trumpet in band, and still loves to read. He played football in the Fall and is looking forward to track in the spring. Oh! He also got braces this Fall, which made him have to relearn how to play his trumpet!

Katie is in 6th grade now! That means middle school! It has been a fun, but challenging adventure so far for her. She plays oboe in the band, plays piano and wants to learn trumpet, flute and saxophone as well. She thinks she might want to be a band teacher someday. :) She played soccer last Fall and will enjoy track in the spring. She likes to read, and do crafts of all kinds and is especially into making jewelry these days.

Rosalie is in 3rd grade and doing well. She is our quiet one. It has been so much fun to watch her blossom over the last couple of years. She is very organized and loves to make checklists like her mommy. :) She is a good worker and loves to help me with odd jobs around the house. She likes to help me in the kitchen, too, and has brought home several cookbooks from the library recently. She enjoys reading and has a wonderful imagination that she utilizes in her play every day.

Natalie is almost 8! Where does the time go? She loves school. She, too is very organized, and keeps her spaces pretty neat and tidy. :) She loves to play teacher and has her classroom set up in our play room. Her American Girl dolls make great students. :) She is cheerful and quite a charmer. :)She has reached some milestones this year! She learned to ride her bike, got her ears pierced and got braces on her front teeth.

Reid is currently transitioning from his job at George Fox to the pastor job at church. It has him hopping for now, but will slow down at least some soon. He is enjoying being part of the choir for our Christmas Eve services.

As always, I stay busy keeping the home fires burning. I clean house for dad, help with Women's Bible Study at church, and volunteer at the schools. I also just started cleaning house for my Aunt Pam every other week. I am excited to be playing my flute in the Newberg community band. I've wanted to for a long time, but have had too many evening commitments in the past with kids sports and things. We decided to skip basketball for Cam and Katie this winter. It has been wonderful to enjoy dinner as a family every night of the week, and to relax more on the weekends. And it affords me an evening during the week to fulfill a longing of mine to play in the band.

We love living near Dad. We try to eat dinner together once a week or so, and pop by whenever we have a chance. We shared a garden up at his house this year, though neither of us took great care of it. :/ Maybe we'll do better next year.

Life is full. Full of sorrow, full of joy. Full of growth and new things. Full of blessing. Full of wonderful memories from the past and the making of new ones. Life isn't always the way we thought it would be. It takes twists and turns that we don't plan on, or even want. But there IS joy in this journey, and I pray you will find it in your every day lives in the year to come.

Merry Christmas and God Bless!

Carrie,
(and Reid, Cameron, Katie, Rosalie, and Natalie)

My Way or the High(er) Way Chapter III

Remember back in chapter 1 when I said I had my life planned by the time I was 13 or 14? And remember that those plans included marrying a pastor? I don't know if that was the romanticized whimsy of a young girl, or God planting seeds even in a young girl's heart. And remember that I married a man who got a seminary education to become a pastor, but became involved in higher education instead? Well, sit down, grab a warm cup of tea (or hot chocolate, or coffee or oohhh, yes, a peppermint steamer—be right back) and read a tale of how God directed/is directing this family's plans and paths to accomplish His plans and purposes.

For years now Reid and I have kind of chuckled about his seminary education, realizing the value of it and how he has used it even in his current position, but not how we would have thought it would be used originally. "Oh well", we would say, "We sure learned a lot and had very valuable lessons while we were in that stage of life, and what we learned there definitely has applications, both in Reid's work and every day life." We never dreamed that God would bring us back full circle and that we would find ourselves in the position we are in now. But God knew. He went before us and prepared the way, from the dreams of a young girl's heart, to Reid's excellent seminary education at Dallas Theological Seminary, and all the experiences we've had that have prepared him/us to take on the new role of Senior Pastor at Grace Baptist Church, Newberg.

16 months ago, our church was left without a Senior Pastor. It took a few months to form a search committee and Reid was asked to chair the committee. As they began to put together a job description, Reid would come home and passionately describe the kind of leadership they were seeking. I would say, "That sounds a lot like you. Maybe you need to apply." He would shake his head vigorously and say "No way. I love higher education and a pastoral position is definitely not the direction I'm heading." This happened enough times that he eventually became frustrated with me for suggesting it, so I stopped saying things, even though in my head I kept saying it! :) As the months went by, other people on the church staff and in the church family mentioned to him that they thought he would be great for the position and asked if he would ever consider applying, but he'd give them the same answer - "No way!" "Besides", he'd say, "How can the chairman of the search committee just decide to apply. There's no way that could ever work!"

In the first few days of this past August, about 5-6 people—church staff, elders, and myself all again mentioned to Reid that we thought he should apply. None of us knew that anyone else was approaching the subject again with him. Well, that did it. All those people encouraging him again to apply in such a short span of time convinced Reid that just maybe God was trying to whack him upside the head with a 2x4 ... I mean, maybe God was trying to tell him something. So he decided to resign from the search committee and submit an application, even though "It will never work. There are too many hurdles to jump for it to happen. But I'll move forward with it because I feel that God is asking me to, and we'll just see what He does."

You need to know also that for the past year, while all this was happening, Reid was feeling the desire to move from his position at Fox. He felt restless, wanting to stretch his wings more, take on more or different responsibilities. He even applied for a job at another educational institution, but never heard anything back from them. He considered consulting full time, which brings him much satisfaction, and is invigorating, but it just wasn't stable enough and left too many questions as to how it would securely cover the needs of our family. Moving was pretty much out of the question, as we love it here, love being near Dad and other family, and love the schools and community. I believe that God allowed this restlessness, and the brick walls Reid encountered in trying other options, to prepare him to follow God's promptings.

The hurdles Reid was concerned about included whether or not the search committee would approve of him resigning in order to apply; how Ryan, the current preaching pastor would feel about Reid applying; the need for both the search committee and the elder board to be unanimously in favor of considering Reid for the position.

The search committee and some of the board were a bit bewildered at first. Reid? How does he qualify? Hmm ... But once they were made aware of his background and heard his heart about feeling prompted by God to go down this road they became excited and were unanimous in their decision to move forward with an interview. After the interview and reference checks, several meetings where the church family had opportunity to ask Reid questions, a Sunday of preaching, and some other individual meetings, the church voted, and ... WOW! ... here we are! All those big hurdles that seemed so imposing, God easily cast aside in a manner such that the glory could only be given to Him, and we just stood in awe as we watched Him work.

The way this is written, it seems to have all fallen into place nicely and smoothly. It's only been the last three months that everything has come together, and it was a very long three months! There were times when we waited what seemed like forever just to know if Reid had made it to the next step. It was at times discouraging not knowing what was happening in the search committee meetings, and trying to feel out what people were thinking. (It's almost harder when you are closer to the situation than if you are applying for something in another town, or where you don't know the people involved in the decision making process.) Yet almost every time we got down or felt doubtful, God would send confirmation our way. One time when I was feeling particularly discouraged, I told God "It would sure be nice to find a card in the mail today. But that's kind of silly to hope for." Guess what? There was a card in the mail from a church friend, Amber, saying how excited she and her husband were about the possibility of Reid becoming the pastor. She let us know they were praying for our family and was just very encouraging. I had to laugh as I thanked God for showing me how He cares for us, even in small things, even when our faith falters and we doubt His leading. I remember right after the interview with the search committee Reid was unsure how it went and hadn't heard a word from anyone. The following Sunday, the new chairman of the committee came up to us, clapped Reid on the shoulder and said "That was a great interview last week, don't you think?! We are all really excited about this!" Finally, one of the greatest confirmations for Reid came right when he was going to apply. He was driving our 6th grade daughter, Katie, to Youth Group on the night he planned to turn in his resignation from the search committee and turn in his application for senior pastor. We hadn't told the kids anything at all about what was going on, in case things didn't work out. Out of the blue, she said to Reid "Daddy, I think YOU should be our senior pastor. I think you'd be good at it." What?! Out of the mouths of babes, eh?

So how does this chapter relate to the others? What does it have to do with God's plans versus our plans and how does it demonstrate 'God with us'? Well, a few things come to mind. I won't ever forget this quote from a Beth Moore Bible Study our church lady's Bible study did last year. She said something like this. "Sometimes God uses a crisis or something huge to pick us up and pivot our heels to turn/move us in a new direction." God pretty much picked Reid up and turned him in a whole new direction. We weren't necessarily at a point of crisis, but you can see how God brought him to a place where he was ready for this new direction. God had different plans than we could see, different plans than we would have imagined. But I know enough now through past experiences, both positive and hard ones, to trust Him, to follow His lead, and to know that He is with us and cares deeply for us. And we are excited to be on this new path!

Also, a verse from that study has stuck with me and fits too. Esther 4:14b says "And who knows that you have come to royal position (or in this case - come to this place in your life) for such a time as this?" God seems to have given both Reid and I dreams and experiences that have prepared us for this new adventure we are about to embark on. He has weaved it all together to carry out His purposes, in His timing.

To tie all three chapters together, I would say this. Our plans for our lives don't always match up with God's plans for us. He is gracious in bringing us to a place where we are ready to follow His plans, and much learning goes on in the process. Sometimes our plans do match up with God's plans. Sometimes it takes a very long time for us to figure out what He wants us to be doing. Sometimes His plans are painful. Sometimes His plans are exciting and an adventure. Sometimes it's easy to see and follow His plans. Sometimes we have to go kicking and screaming (like me in Dallas :) ) until we learn to accept His plans. We are not puppets just carrying out the desires of a master. We are partners with Him, mixing our efforts and desires with His. The more we grow to be like Him, the more our plans will look like His plans right from the start. And always, He is with us, and if we are looking, we will see how He cares for us, how He loves us so deeply, how He makes Himself known to us. I encourage you to start looking! :)

My Way or the Highway Chapter II

Even before I was married, my mom and I would dream about the future possibilities of living near each other. We used to think it would be fun for all the family to move to Montana, build log houses on the same property and share a big garden. So as you might imagine, living in a far away land called Texas was heart wrenching for me. Looking back, I can see how God used those years to grow Reid and I, to bless our family in ways I wasn't expecting, but I think I already covered that in Chapter One. :)

Imagine my excitement when, after 11 years, it finally felt like God was opening the doors for us to move back to Oregon! Five and 1/2 years ago, we packed up all our earthly possessions, said goodbye to many dear friends, strapped the kids in their car seats and hit the road headed for Newberg, Oregon. Only 4 1/2 hours from our home town of Klamath Falls, where my parents and Reid's parents still resided, and not far from many of my precious relatives. The kids and I got to spend the whole summer in KFalls that year while we waited for our Texas house to sell and Reid started working at George Fox University. The next two years we enjoyed many trips to visit with our parents and visits from them too.

After about two years, Mom and Dad started looking for property in the greater Portland area that would not be too far from our house, not too far from my brother in Portland, not a super long drive to Eugene where my older brother lives, and near many other family members, including both Mom's and Dad's siblings.

Lo and behold, after about a year of looking, weighing and measuring pros and cons, searching for just the right location, they found a wonderful bit of property a half mile up the hill from our house! Our Montana dreams were coming true in a modified version! :) Over the next year, they met with the builder, a wonderful Christian man who helped them design their home with all the little details just the way Mom and Dad wanted it. In February of 2009, they moved in. What a joyous weekend it was! It was Valentine's Day when we started the great move in.

The next weekend, Mom and Dad headed back to KFalls to pack up most of the rest of their things. While they were there, Mom experienced a lack of energy so severe that they took her to the doctor and did some blood work. And thus began her battle and journey with a pre-Leukemia disease. Over the next 11 months, she went through chemotherapy and the downhill spiral of her life with faith, grace, a cheerful attitude and courage I greatly admire. Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 the pre-disease became Acute Myelogenic Leukemia. Due to other health complications, and her weakened state, she did not qualify for a bone marrow transplant. On January 12th, 2010, she went home to be with Jesus.

I skipped a lot of the details. It would take a very long blog post to tell you all that transpired between the date of her diagnosis and the date of her home going and all my feelings about all of that. But I want to tell you another part of the story ... the good part.

See, we make our plans; sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. We can't always know the reasons when they don't work out the way we imagine they will. But I do know this—God makes himself real and known in those times. And He is with us regardless of whether or not our plans work out the way we want them to. Here are some of the ways He cared for us all during Mom's illness...

• They moved just in time for her to be near OHSU, where she would receive excellent treatment. If they had not moved, they would have had to travel from KFalls every time she needed treatment or to meet with her doctors.


• Mom was able to live in her dream house, to enjoy the nearness of all her family, and receive extra care from all of us that would have been unable to attend to her and Dad had they been in KFalls. (Selfishly, I see this as a blessing for me as well. I would have been so heartbroken not to be able to help her and Dad as much as I did. I would have needed to stay here with my own little family and caring for them. As it was, I was able to do both.)


• God comforted Mom in amazing ways in the last month of her life. She had a dream (we would say a vision) of a kingly figure with a "kingly hat" (not a crown, she said), a robe and a staff walking along with a huge crowd following Him. She was in the midst of that crowd. The King was Jesus, and she felt reassured in her salvation. It makes me smile to think of her reaction when she realized she was in that crowd. She was almost surprised, as if she didn't know for sure if she would be counted among His followers. Wasn't God good to give her that reassurance?


• In another dream/vision, Mom had dived into a beautiful pool of clear, sparkling aqua colored water. As she rose back to the surface, her body was restored to it's youthful beauty, as it will be when we leave this world for Heaven.


• In the last few days of her life, Mom said there was the tangible, comforting presence of a man in the room with her at all times. Jesus? Yep. And what comfort these things brought to all of us during that time.


• During the last few weeks of her life, Mom needed blood transfusions every other day to keep her going. If she went too long without one, her nose would bleed severely and it would be very difficult to get it to stop. The last few days, Dad made the decision (at Mom's request) not to take her in for any more transfusions. There was a fear we felt that her nose would begin to bleed and she would bleed out. The day before she died, Dad and I found a dried little trickle of blood from her nose on her cheek. But that was it. No more. My Dad was convinced that this was just another sign of God's care for us all.


• Mom was able to be at home in her own bedroom when she died. That was important to her, and a blessing for all of us.


• And now, Dad is close by, and able to be near lots of family.

In the weeks and months that have followed Mom's death, God has shown me how much He loves and cares for me over and over again. I have received comfort right when things seemed the worst, discovered a card in the mail when I felt alone, found a Bible verse to cling to when I was down. Many of these fingerprints of God are recorded in my previous posts over the last several months.

I know this has been a heavier post. I have a point, I promise. :) I had plans. We make our plans. Sometimes they work out and are happy endings. Sometimes they don't work out, and it's painful. We don't always understand God's purposes or plans. But I believe good will come from it. And I believe God is good. And I believe His plans for our lives are good. What that looks like, I'm not always sure. But I leave you with this Bible verse that Reid recently reminded me of, and a song that has touched me lately.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

I would never choose to go through this. I know Mom would have had to go at some point, but at age 65? And just after they moved up closer to family? We had such fun plans! However, I have already been able to encourage a friend in a similar situation, and I'm sure God has plans to use my experiences for His glory in other ways as well.

The song I mentioned goes like this. It's called Before the Morning by Josh Wilson.

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now

Maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you'll see you'll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
And You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Come on you've gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

I promise, Chapter III is much more lighthearted. :)

My Way or the High(er) Way

I have been given the privilege of speaking at our church's "Women's Christmas Brunch" this December. (That's brave speak for 'Help! I volunteered to do what?!') Needless to say, I have been gathering my thoughts for this talk since I was asked to speak back in May. (That's brave speak for 'I've been stewing and stressing about what to say since the moment I was asked!') I decided my blog was a good place to kind of write out and compile my thoughts, so if you are reading this, and plan to attend the brunch, you may get a double dose. But who knows, maybe I'll surprise you. :)

At first I thought I'd speak about God's faithfulness in my life, i.e., God's Fingerprints. But the other morning I woke up with a new plan, a new thought on what God would have me say. It was the most wonderful thing — almost like I dreamed it, but not quite. I just woke up knowing what to talk about and how to start it and several of the points I will make. Ah, God — you are so awesome to help me out like that!

So the title of my talk is going to be "My way or the High(er) way. Here are some of my thoughts, in no particular order...

When I was a young girl, I loved making plans for my future. By the time I was in 8th grade, I pretty much had my life planned out. I would go to college and get a degree in elementary education. Promptly after graduating, I would get married to a man who met a long list of qualifications :), one of which was that he would be a pastor. I would teach school for two years and then we would start a family. We would have 4 children, two boys and two girls in no particular order, but spaced out every 2 years. Sounds lovely, yeah? In retrospect, I would advise including in your plans where you would like to live. :)

Apparently, God approved of these plans, though He tweaked them a little here and there. :) See, I went to college, graduated with a teaching degree, and married a man who met my long list of qualifications :), and was headed to seminary school to become a pastor. However, I substituted one year, and taught school three more years before we started a family. And though Reid has a master's degree in theology, he is not a pastor, other than the pastoral opportunities he encounters in his job in Christian Higher Education. And we do have four children all spaced two years apart, but only the oldest is a boy. But you know what? I can look back and see how God's tweaks were just what we needed. (Even living in Texas, but I'll get to that later.) See, I learned a lot about parenting while I was teaching those extra years, and was able to put Reid through school without any debt. And no one ever plans to have a child with developmental issues, but that's what we were given. And it has been a blessing, though a hard road at times. And though I still sometimes miss that second boy I was supposed to have :), I can see how much Rosalie needs a Natalie as her younger sister, and what a joy Natalie is to my heart! In other words, I wouldn't trade the mix of children God has blessed us with for ANYTHING else! God knows best what we need.

Now about Texas.... We planned to live there 3 years while Reid finished seminary school. Instead we were there eleven years! And they were lllooooooonnnnnggggg years at times. For the first 8 years (yes, 8; I know that's a long time) I spent my time pining for "home" — Oregon. Oregon is where I grew up. It's where my family is. It's where my extended family is and where all the good things happen, like birthday parties and weddings, and many family gatherings. Oregon has a beauty like no other place. Boy, did I miss Oregon and all that it represents for me!

In the Fall of that 8th year, I went on a little mini retreat with a few friends and the mother of one of those friends. We camped. You can do that in October in Texas and not get cold. We ate simply. We reflected. We shared. It was wonderful and a time of discovery for all of us. When we were instructed to find our favorite Bible verse and tell why it was our favorite, I naturally turned to Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I have always loved that verse. This time when I read it, I decided to read the whole chapter to gain the context of the verse. It totally changed my perspective. I won't quote the whole thing, but basically it was God talking to His people who had been exiled to Babylon. He was telling them to move ahead with their lives, to settle in and live life, not keep "pining" for their homeland. Then He promised to bring them back to their homeland in His timing. Well I tell you, I grabbed on to that for dear life and made it my own. :) Maybe I shouldn't have claimed it so personally, but from that point forward, I was able to let go of my desire to move back to Oregon, though still with the hope that maybe someday God would take me back there from my exile in Texas! :) It helped me to trust in God's plan, knowing that His plan is perfect, and good for me, even though I still wanted and prayed for Him to provide a way for us to return to Oregon.

I can't see everything, or know all the reasons God had for having us there, but here's what I CAN see about how our time in Texas was good. First of all, being so far away from family helped me to bond better with Reid. And the times we did get to spend with family were so priceless. Being able to spend four weeks a year of concentrated time with family has its' benefits. At the time when Rosalie was "diagnosed" with Sensory Integration Dysfunction, Dallas was one of the country's leading places for recognition of SI, and we were able to get wonderful Christian therapists, and the help she needed. And of course, Reid's education was valuable, and his experience at Dallas Seminary was incredible. We also got to spend many years with good friends that we had known since high school, and enjoyed our little church on Skillman Ave. There were all kinds of good things that came from our time there, and lots of learning, too. It wasn't what I would have chosen, and to this day, I don't think I would choose that path. But I'm able to see how God used that time to strengthen our marriage, and mold me and grow me in my walk with Jesus. And it's a very real part of who I am today.

I think I'll call that the end of part 1 of My Way or the High(er) Way and stop here. Next up....Part II: Oregon Dreams - Both Realized and Shattered

Wonderful Things

I witnessed some wonderful things this last weekend.

I saw a boy who had been hesitant and unsure on the football field in the past step up, take leadership and play the game well. He got to play starting center, and it gave me chills to see him stand out there fist in the air and hear him yell "huddle up!" to his teammates. He blocked well, encouraged his teammates and played hard. It helps that he has a coach who believes in him and encourages him to become the player the coach sees he can be.

I saw a girl with natural athletic ability play through the pain of an injured wrist without complaint even though I could see the pain on her face, score two soccer goals and run like the wind on the soccer field. (She hurt her wrist back in August, but hadn't wanted to go to the doctor. Finally, once school started she decided it was time to see the doctor, and we found out she probably tore a ligament. Now she's wearing a brace for two weeks to help it heal up.)

I saw a girl who has struggled with school work in previous years sit at the table for over an hour working on an assignment for school. She worked diligently and her handwriting was good. She didn't even stop when her hand got tired!

I saw a Daddy sit with that girl for over an hour and cheerfully encourage her in her efforts, gently correcting her spelling errors, encouraging her and making her giggle throughout their time together.

And I saw a littlest sister encourage all her older siblings in their endeavors, cheerfully going where we needed to go with a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

I am truly a very blessed woman. Thank you, Jesus.

I'm Ba-ack!

I've been thinking lately. ( No wise cracks allowed!) I think I'm starting to feel alive again. Of course I wasn't dead, but maybe dormant would be a good word. A friend called it running on automatic. I've been on automatic for a good year and a half, I think. I'm not sure how evident it has been to anyone, but in my mind, that's what I see.

In February of '09, Mom found out she was sick. There followed months of survival mode, or automatic mode, or zone land or whatever you want to call it. Always hoping, always praying, trying not to worry, wondering what the next step would be, the question of bone marrow transplant always looming in the back of my mind, wondering how much time we had, if she would get well or not. Spending as much time as possible with her, helping out at their house and with their errands, mourning the loss of how things were supposed to be once they moved up here, keeping things running at my house, etc.

Then after Mom died in January, of course, I have spent many months grieving - running on automatic still. I feel like I've been standing above myself, with myself attached to puppet strings, making myself do the things that needed doing, trying to make my home a haven for my family, but never really feeling engaged, even though it may not have appeared that way.

The past few weeks I've noticed something. I feel alive! I feel present. I sing more. I feel engaged in my conversations. I feel more myself. I'm enjoying my family and friends. I feel ready to embrace the days ahead and am looking forward to a new season.

This does not mean I'm done grieving. I know it's an ongoing process that never truly ends. I still miss Mom terribly, and the tears are not dried up yet, but it sure feels good to be back in the land of the living, to really see and find joy in the people in my life and the beauty around me.

Welcome back, me!

Making New Memories

We just returned home from a wonderful camping trip with my dad at Crescent Lake. Crescent Lake camping is a tradition for my family. My mom's family stayed in the little cabins at Crescent Lake for a couple of weeks every summer as she was growing up. We stayed in those same cabins a few times when I was a kid and then when I was around junior high age, my family started camping there every summer. The summer Reid and I started dating, he joined us for a weekend camping trip there. And since my kids were little, even when we were just visiting from Texas, we've been camping there with my parents.

It's not a very glamorous place to camp. It's very dusty, and the only restrooms are outhouses. No showers. But the air smells wonderfully of pine trees, and the water is crystal clear. You can see the bottom of the lake quite a ways out. The camp sites are surrounded by trees, making them a little more private and cozy. And the beaches are somewhat sandy, if a little rocky. Crescent Lake holds many special and fun memories for me.

There was the time Mom got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and in her pj's with a flashlight lost her way in the woods. She wandered around for about 20 minutes in the dark before she finally found her way back to our campsite, which was the one not far from the outhouse.

One year there was a thunderstorm and the wind rose up and made the water rough enough to make white cap waves. We'd left our raft down at the beach, so my older brother Mark and I went down to bring it up to camp. I don't know why, but we decided it would be easier to row it back to the shore below our campsite instead of walking it back. Probably because of the wind. Anyway, it was quite an exciting adventure in my eyes, rowing through the rough waters, listening to the thunder in the distance and hoping we didn't get struck by lightning! :)

And there were all those early mornings out on the water. My dad, brothers and I would get up early and head out in the boat, because that's when the water was smooth like glass. We'd all take our turns water skiing, then head back for breakfast, which always included a nice warm campfire and hot chocolate to warm us up.

One time I let my dad talk me into trying to barefoot water ski so I could be cool like him and my brothers. :) Just as I stood up I crashed, slamming my face so hard into the water that it snapped my goggles in half where the nose bridge was, knocked the wind out of me and caused my legs to fly backward up over my head. Needless to say, I didn't try that again. :)

And there was the year I had my birthday party there, with a bunch of friends, Reid included. We took a picnic lunch, and my family and friends went for a day of boating, skiing and fun in the sun. Dad loved(s) to give people the ride of their lives on an inner tube. Reid and I had been dating just a few weeks. I told Dad to be nice to me on my tube ride. But of course he couldn't resist the 'circle of death', which creates mountainous waves, and usually accomplishes Dad's main goal, which is to flip or bounce the rider off the tube. So there I was screaming at him to stop, all the while hearing his laughter. :) After nearly drowning me (not really) he pulled me in, I gave him a huge glare, and he told Reid "Oops, guess that was a little much." And they snickered under their breath as I moodily climbed into the boat.

And of course there are the stories of the Crescent Lake monster, who comes out of the water and wanders the campground in the middle of the night looking for little children to devour. Yes, that would be my dad's story for kiddos. Nowadays, my kids just roll their eyes and say "Grampa!"

This was the first year camping at Crescent Lake without Mom. Her presence was definitely missed, but we had a great time anyway, and we talked and laughed about memories of Mom at Crescent Lake. We kept it simple, maybe a little too simple, without all the extra snacks, sweets and side dishes for meals. Mom was always good at planning all that stuff. But we did alright. We carried on some old traditions, like Crescent Lake monster stories, "baths" in the middle of the lake off the side of the boat, playing games, reading books, and boating. And we solidified some new traditions like dutch oven Mountain Man breakfast, banana boats, a visit from from my Uncle Stew for a day, a little road trip to Davis lake for some fly fishing, and wake boarding for the kids.

We have a new thunderstorm memory to pass down through the years. During the middle of the day on Tuesday, a storm came up. We had walked over to the resort store, about 1/4 of a mile away from our camp site, when it started to sprinkle. By the time we got back, we were soaked. It was pouring rain and was beginning to hail. The lightning was flashing and thunder clapping. We dove into our tent, and were stuck there for two hours while the storm raged. :) We read books, colored, tried to nap and played a game. Lightning flashed only a 1/2 mile away. Rosalie put it best in her journal... "It is exciting and scary." ;)

And so the Crescent Lake memories will continue, old ones mingled with new ones, some with the echoes of Mom's laughter in them, some from my childhood, some as a mommy, and maybe someday some as a gramma. Wouldn't that be something. And always may the legend of the Crescent Lake monster live on.