Positive Perspective Progress

 

The last few days have been very insightful regarding my "let go" theme for the year. I have decided to rename "let go" and call it surrender instead. Somehow that seems to hold deeper, more profound meaning to me. Anyway...

    In my Spiritual Direction class last week, we read an excerpt from "The Holy Longing" about what is referred to as the paschal mystery. Paschal refers to Easter and passover. The death, waiting period, and resurrection of Christ, particularly. But the excerpt dug deeper into the idea that we all experience deaths of many different kinds throughout our lives. There is the physical death of a loved one, the death of a dream or hope, our innocence, our childhood, a friendship, a career, etc..  It talked about how after experiencing any such death, we need to allow ourselves to grieve. To take the time and make the effort to grieve before just moving on. It suggested that if we don't take that time to work through and grieve the loss of whatever death we have experienced, we will only become bitter and angry and unhappy. Especially if we strive to somehow hold on to that which we need to let go, or surrender. The author urged us to acknowledge and experience the deaths in our lives, surrender them (let them ascend to the Father was the wording) and then resurrect into the new, if that makes sense. 

I was reminded of a good model of this from back when my mom died. My dad's pastor gave him a book called Mudhouse Sabbath, which explored Jewish traditions and why they keep them, the benefits etc.. It is Jewish tradition to mourn the death of a loved one for a year. At the end of that year, they hold a celebration of life or some sort of celebration/ceremony, and then step back into life.  Obviously the grieving doesn't go away completely, but a year is a good amount of time to work through it, to allow yourself to wallow, and then to be ready to move forward. My dad did exactly that. He took a year to be sad, didn't do anything rash (well, he did buy a motorcycle and go on a multi state motorcycle trip, since mom would never let him have a motorcycle!😂) At the end of that year, we as a family sat down together, shared some fun memories and funny stories about mom and had a meal together. It wasn't much later that Dad decided it was ok to go out on a friendly date with Mary, and well, the rest of that story is history! :) But, that is a good example of what I am trying to communicate about the book.

It really struck me that when our hopes and dreams of how we thought life would be don't turn out as we expected, that is a kind of death. A death of our hopes and dreams. So.... in my personal reflection and experience of how things are right now, I can totally relate! There are many hopes and dreams I have always assumed would come true that just aren't. To name a few, it would be my grown and flown kids hanging around enough to be together every week or two, living not too far away, being able to help and be involved with wedding plans, as my mom was with me, having a similar relationship with my kids as I did with my mom, etc... now those dreams aren't completely dead, nor are they necessarily not happening with at least one or more of my kiddos. (Trying to be careful here about naming names :) ). And it is my true joy to be experiencing these things with some of them, but there is a sadness where it isn't happening with the others, or where it doesn't look like I imagined it would. So... I have been going along in life being upset at how things aren't, and not moving through grief and coming out the other side, accepting the true reality, and finding new life in the real. Honestly, in a matter of days, my attitude has flipped a bit (I hope so anyway), and I think I can enjoy the real more deeply and in a more engaged way. I was trying to hold on to the dream, and in the process, becoming ... dare I say... maybe just a little bit, possibly, kind of a little bit bitter. Ooph. That was hard to admit. But I think giving myself permission to view it as a death of sorts, and worthy of mourning, provided the way forward to accept what really is, and to see it for the gift it really is. I mean, it's not how I pictured it, but it is GOOD! 

A few weeks back as I processed life with my spiritual director, she asked me to picture my life as a canvas... like.. how would I picture my dream life? I told her it involved a log cabin in the beautiful countryside of Montana, with my kids and their families around, gathering together, grandkids running around playing and laughing, etc.. :) Of course, that's the imaginary dream! Haha! But the gist is there. On the canvas of my life I see my family being nearby, close in relationship with us and with each other, doing life and enjoying life together, having downtime, etc... (like the life I grew up in - with my grandparents down the street, aunts and uncles and cousins in and out of town several times a year, etc..) Then she said "OK, now wipe that canvas clean. Leave it blank. Picture God with the paint and brushes, and let HIM paint that future canvas. You can't picture what it will be, but you can know it will be good, that He is faithful and wants good for us, and that He has a good and beautiful future that He is painting on that canvas for you." This too impacted my perspective on my dreams vs. reality, vs. God's hopes and dreams for me. It's hard to let Him have full reign with the paints and brushes, but He will paint a much better future for me than I would paint. It doesn't mean pain free, suffer and struggle free, but by far better than I can imagine.

Then, yesterday at our all employee meeting, my supervisor shared some of her life story with us. She talked about how she and her husband have viewed every move, every new job, and new phase of life as an adventure. Yes, there was plenty of loss and grief along the way, but perspective was everything! She is such a positive person and that drives her perspective! There's way more to her story - she lived in various places overseas for twenty years before moving back to the US, raised her children to their early teens overseas, etc.. and transitioning back to the US was one of those adventures. 

All to say that her perspective impacted me, especially in light of what I have just learned about the paschal mystery. If you read my blog, you know that the past few years have been full of transitions and changes for me and for our family. At times I feel a bit tossed and turned, just trying to find firm footing and normalcy. But... what if... what if I gave myself permission to grieve the losses, the unmet expectations, the different, the hopes and dreams, then gave them up, let them ascend, and stepped into and embraced the new reality that God has placed before me to live in? What if I viewed these unexpected realities as possibilities, adventures full of potential of living abundantly in the now, in the new, in the real? Sounds exciting! And I'm hopefully ready to embrace and implement this new idea, to grieve the deaths of what I thought would be, and to instead accept and enjoy what is, and to let God use the canvas of my life to create HIS beautiful picture. 

Happy New Year Letter :)

 Happy New Year!

It’s been a busy year for the Kislings! Just like all of you, we’ve had really good times, some challenging times, and everything in between. Through all of it, God has been faithful, and our hearts are full of gratitude. Please enjoy a little update on each member of our family!

Reid: Reid continues to work from home for the software company, Stellic. He loves what he does and who he works with. It’s great to see him happy in his work! On February 28th last year, he arrived in Dubai to attend a work retreat with all of his coworkers. Hours after he arrived from a 15 hour flight, he had a heart attack! He received excellent medical care, and excellent care from his company companions. It was quite a shock for me, as I woke up at 6 am that day to find a text from one of his coworkers saying that Reid was in the hospital and had had a heart attack but that he was doing fine and to call when I could. We immediately set plans in motion, and by Friday, I was on my way to Dubai. Reid was instructed not to fly for two weeks post hospital release, so I went to spend that time with him. Cameron was able to come from his camp in France and spent one of the weeks with us. We had many adventures, as Reid was able to and encouraged to be active for some time each day. We went to the Burj Khalifa, the world expo, the Museum of the Future, and to the local souks. We went on a desert safari too! Though it was unplanned, it turned out to be a fun adventure, even as Reid took time to recover. 

In October, Reid went in for some follow up bloodwork after the heart attack, and discovered that he has a fairly aggressive form of prostate cancer. We are currently in the process of figuring out a treatment plan, which is turning out to be a longer process than we anticipated. But he is feeling fine and is in good spirits. We are trusting the Lord to work out all the details according to His perfect plan, His perfect timing. In his freetime, Reid enjoys reading, dreaming and planning our remodel (hopefully starting the project this year!), taking care of his tilapia farm, and enjoying the company of family, friends and church family.

Cameron: Cam continued his internship at Camp de Cimes in France through mid-August. He had a very good, though at times hard, experience. He came home in May, to attend his girlfriend Bria’s graduation, and to propose! (She said yes! ;) ) We got to spend a few days with him before he headed back to France to finish out his time there. In August, he moved into our house and readjusted to American life, started working as a substitute teacher and challenge course facilitator, and planned his and Bria’s wedding. He and Bria were married just a couple of weeks ago on January 7th. It was a beautiful wedding and we are excited to have another daughter in our family! Bria is a wonderful young lady and we love her very much. She graduated from Lipscomb University last Spring and started work as an ICU nurse at Salem hospital later in the summer. They have a cute apartment in Salem and are settling into their new place and married life. They both love to play boardgames, read books, spend time with family and friends, and enjoy the outdoors.

Katie: Katie continued work on her master’s degree in counseling through August, then decided to take a break for a semester. She was feeling burned out after starting grad school so quickly after undergrad graduation. She continued to work as a shift lead at Ampersand Ice Cream shop until November, then transferred to a coffee shop called Kuppa Joy. She is enjoying her new job and loves working at a coffee place! She has continued to be involved with her church and is part of the worship team. Katie and Adam came home for Thanksgiving, with all the other kiddos, and while they were here, they got engaged! We are so excited for them!  Adam  is a godly young man and we love him! 

Rosalie finished up her freshman year of online school at George Fox. Over the summer she continued her nanny job, worked at an art studio and worked at a winery. In the Fall, she was very happy to start her sophomore year of classes in person! She is living at home, and loving her interior design classes. She works at the art studio, and has also started her own Mary Kay business! She helps with Sunday School and worship team at church, and continues to connect with her friends from ACTS in Yakima. Rosalie had the opportunity to decorate for three weddings over the last several months and has really enjoyed that. She does a great job of it too! She is thriving and growing and we are super proud of the lovely young woman she is!

Natalie had her first college water polo season last Spring. She played well, and was a starter on the team! Over the summer, she nannied again, taught private swim lessons and worked at the same winery as Rosalie. She is in her sophomore year of elementary education studies at Fresno Pacific University, and is loving it. She has found a church she really loves. On top of her studies and water polo, she also swam for the swim team for most of the season, attends Delight Ministries weekly, and helps lead worship for campus events and chapel. Her faith has taken on new meaning for her and it shows. :) She exudes joy, and it delights our hearts. She traveled to Chicago for a week during Christmas break - her first big solo plane trip - to visit her long distance boyfriend, Caden, who she met this summer. Then Caden got to come spend a week with us for Cam and Bria’s wedding. We are enjoying getting to know him.

I am working ¾ full time at the George Fox Welcome and Information Center. I really enjoy my job and the people I work with! I started a new venture too! I decided to pursue a Master’s Degree at Kairos University. It’s all done remotely, which makes it possible. I am working on a certificate in Spiritual Direction, and will get to design my master’s program to fit my goals, probably something in the area of Mentoring and Women’s Ministry. That portion will start next Fall. I enjoy spending time with my family and friends, reading and cooking yummy gluten free things. People and relationships are my passion, so regular conversations with the kids, coffee dates and dinners with friends, and our small group are super life giving for me.

We enjoyed several trips over the year. We traveled to LA and to Fresno to see Natalie play water polo and visit with Katie. Then of course there was the unexpected trip to Dubai. At the end of May we went camping in Eastern Oregon with my parents and brother Kevin. We visited the Painted Hills and went to a tiny country church. :) In July, we went to my Conn family reunion at the beach, and then we traveled to Colorado, where we met up with many families from our old church in Dallas for a week. People we haven’t connected with in 15 years all enjoyed fellowship, activities, hikes, and teaching together. It was truly wonderful and amazing, and a bit difficult to explain the bond we all felt. We were also able to visit a couple of national parks on the trip! At the end of August, Bria’s family invited us to go camping with their extended family. That was fun! In October we stayed at my older brother Mark’s (and Amy’s too!) cabin in Sun River and went pine cone hunting (to use for wedding decor).  

We hope this (long… sorry!) letter finds you at peace. I was going to say “finds you well”, or “healthy and happy”. But so often that is just not our reality. As you read, we have been experiencing some pretty major health issues. While we could choose to worry and fret, we are choosing instead to trust God, and to live joyfully in the midst of the struggles. I pray whether things are good, or you are facing challenges, that God would give you peace and joy and strength in the year ahead, and that you would be able to “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13  

With much love,

Carrie (for us all)

Let Go - my 2023 theme

 I just saw my Facebook memory from a year ago. It was a picture of my 2022 theme word... joy. And I can truly say that as I sometimes focused on joy and sometimes not, joy filled my year. In many ways it was a tough year. But Joy came in and overlaid the hard things. Every time. I plan to write a New Year's letter/post soon, and in that post I will cover the happenings of 2022, but for now it is on my heart to write about my theme for 2023.... Let Go.... (cue Elsa's song "Let It Go" lol). I love the image above. It signifies the letting go of the things precious to my heart, and trusting like a child that God will be good and faithful with the things I let go.

Over the last several months, the Lord has been working on my heart in this area. You see, one of the things I fear most is loss of relationship with my loved ones, and loss of the comfortableness of current life. Whether that is just the normal loss of the kids growing up and moving on with their lives (still a part of our lives but differently and probably not as much), the inevitable loss to come of the elderly people I love, the potential loss of life as I know it, loss of security and comfort of the life we now have, loss of health. We have been made aware of the fragility of life even at our age this year with Reid's heart attack and now beginning his journey of prostate cancer. (Ooph... so much vulnerability... please be kind. :) )

I finally admitted to myself that I have had certain expectations of how life would turn out, and that those expectations were probably unrealistic, definitely idealistic. :) It's been hard to let go of some of my expectations of how things would look. But I am learning. And when I let go and do my best to go with the flow, the results are often much better than I dreamed or expected. I know I am being a bit vague here. It's a bit difficult to put into words the expectations and longings of my heart. It's been hard to let go of my kids. I love them so much, and long to continue to have close relationships with them. But this also means letting go. Letting go of the kind of relationship we have had, and allowing them the freedom and room to grow into the relationships they are forming with their significant others (two spouses coming up!) and allowing my relationship with them to flex and flow into something new. It will be good and beautiful, and I'm learning to trust God with that. I am excited also to be bringing a new daughter and a new son into our family, and hopeful that we will develop good relationships with them as well. 

I have had to let go of other things too, and learn to enjoy the new. I have been working 3/4 full time now for a year and a half. Honestly, I don't think I fully embraced it and adjusted to it until this past September. After 24 years of either no work or only part time work, adjusting to full time was challenging. I really enjoy my job, but had to let go of things like weekday Bible study, flexibility to be available for whatever comes my way time wise, the ability to travel whenever I want, and a lot more. But I do also love this new venture, and have grown because of it in many ways. 

Our home life looks a lot different these days too. Reid works from home, and currently doesn't have a home office, so he is in the living room. We only have one living space, so that has really put restrictions on the comfort of relaxing in the living room when the kids are home, and just in general too. I also miss our hour long conversations every day during his commute home. But letting go of how it used to be allows me to appreciate how it is now. It's nice that he's always home. We often eat breakfast together and have time to connect throughout the day during his breaks if I'm at home. 

As I reflect, I know that letting go isn't a new theme in my life. It has definitely intensified over the last year or so. But I know that I am not done learning to let go and trust God with all these things, and I know that 2023 will be a continuation of all this letting go, so I am choosing it as my theme as the letting go goes deeper, and happens more. Hopefully that Joy from the last year will carry over and ease the letting go. And I look forward to seeing the faithfulness of God in this as I have seen it in the past. Thankfully, He never lets go of me, He is faithful, and He is good.

Thanksgiving 2022

 Thanksgiving weekend was very full! Full of fun, full of laughter, full of family time, full of good food and fun times. I just want to be sure to record it all here for someday when I look back through all these posts. (Which I love doing. I love reading way back and basking in the memories of little kids, busy times, hard lessons and more, and seeing the faithfulness of God and how he has cared for us so compassionately and completely over the years.)

Wednesday evening, Katie and Adam, Natalie and their friend Emily arrived. They were here in time for dinner and Cam had made gluten free bread bowls. The homemade bread smelled so good! We filled the bread bowls with clam chowder and enjoyed the yummy dinner, conversation and laughter around the table for the evening. Then we just hung out. 

Thursday morning we had breakfast burritos for breakfast, then got to work cooking. Natalie was sick, so she stayed up in her room, but everyone else pitched in, whether baking, shopping or cooking and cleaning up. We headed up to the grandparents' house around 1:30 and spent the rest of the day there, eating, visiting and playing games with almost all our extended family. It was really fun and special. When we got home we sat around as a family and jut talked and laughed.

Friday morning Katie woke up sick-ish. But she sucked it up, along with Natalie who was still feeling pretty icky, and we went to the South's Christmas tree farm to get a Christmas tree. Their farm was a ways away, but it was so pretty! And fun! Adam proposed to Katie amongst the trees, and we got great pictures! We got some family pictures too, which turned out great except that Bria wasn't with us. After we left the tree farm, we went to Chipotle for lunch. We got home late afternoon and just hung out.

Saturday we had pumpkin scones and scrambled eggs for breakfast, then I made mint brownies. Bria came over for breakfast too. Around noon, Bria, Cam, Reid and I headed out to help set up for the wedding shower. It was fun to work together with Bria's family to get things all ready. Katie missed the shower because of being sick, but it was a great success! The games were fun. We had people get into groups and create tp wedding dresses worn by a member of their group. I couldn't believe it, but my dad was chosen to be his group's model, and boy did he ham it up! It was so funny and somewhat out of character for him. He had a bouquet, a crown and even breasts😂🤣. It was so funny to see him prance and pose! The kids got a lot of fun gifts and the food was good, and the games went over well.... it was just overall a great success! Saturday evening we were all tired, but we sat around again as a family just talking and laughing and sharing stories. It truly filled me to the brim and overflowing. 

Sunday morning the kids took off around 7:30, and we went to church and rested for the day. My heart was so full from such a fulfilling time with all of the family, it's still sustaining me! :) And such momentous occasions! A proposal, a wedding shower! BIG weekend!! 

K, that's all... just wanted to have it in writing somewhere to remember the wonderful time we had. :)  

A Rocky Start to My Day

 I forgot to set my alarm last night. I got up an hour late. Yikes! Thankfully I had picked out my clothes the night before, which I usually don't do. I managed to get ready for the day in record time, and made myself a smoothie for breakfast because that's fast. I got to the car, set my smoothie on the dashboard in order to start the car and.... the smoothie slipped down the dashboard and glooped a big glop down, down, down. Onto the keys, onto the dashboard, onto my pants and eventually on down to the floor of the car. I may have sworn..... I immediately opened the glove box to see if by chance there might be any napkins in there and ... praise the Lord, there were! Now this smoothie was a berry smoothie, so it was a lovely dark purple color. Oh my. I made the quick decision not to run back into the house and try to change my clothes. I had a hard enough time trying to find an outfit that works for this cold in the morning warm in the afternoon weather we are having. So I cleaned up as best I could, and headed to work. I even made it to work on time! 

I asked a coworker how her morning was so far, and when I told her about mine, she was surprised I could be so cheerful with the morning I had had! I hadn't really thought about it but here's the deal. I made a choice this morning each time there was a glitch in my plans. I could choose to be grumpy about it, or find the challenge in making the best of it and feel the triumph of overcoming the odds. Granted, these are fairly minor challenges in the scheme of life. But overcome I did. And I could see the blessings of a Father who loves me too!

Here are the little blessings I got to experience this morning:

*I had picked out my clothes the night before, which was unusual. Maybe God knew my morning was going to be...well... abnormal. :)

*My hair has recently grown out enough that I was able to put it up to avoid spending time on it!         Woohoo! 

*The pants I chose for today are black, so the purple smoothie is more of a shadow instead of a big purple splotch. And the interior of my car is also black, so there will be no glaring purple stain.      

*I realized how much time I waste each morning on things like finding a podcast to listen to while I do my make-up, checking email and the calendar and Instagram updates, etc. while I get ready. Do I really need to do those things?                                                                                                                                

*There were napkins in the glove box! Lots of them! That's not necessarily a given! 

This is a rather surfacy post, but a very real one too. Recently I looked back on my blogposts for the last long while and realized they are more weighty than light. And I went back and read a lot of lighthearted, cute blogposts on my old blog from when the kids were little and really enjoyed the lighthearted stories. So I decided it's time to throw in some lighthearted fun in amongst the heavier, weightier, deep thoughts kind of posts. And to record the realness and humor of life in the little moments. :)

The rest of today promises to be a great day. I get to have lunch with Rosalie, and I get my hair cut right after work. We have leftovers for dinner, so no cooking necessary after I get home later than usual. A rocky start to my day can't ruin the rest of MY day! No sir! Not gonna happen! 

And oh.. it's a good thing it won't be too hot today.... I "may have" forgotten to put deodorant on in all the hustle and bustle.

Also, it's pretty outside. I love Fall!

Recurring Theme...

 What a sense of humor God has. It seems most of my posts in the last couple of years involve lots of change and transitions. I guess partially it's just a natural part of this stage of life. And partially because it's a big area of weakness for me.

The last week of July we went to Colorado to a reunion retreat with our little church from Texas. That's right. Families from a brief span of years long ago (well, 2006-2012 or something like that) who had gone to Hermit Basin in Colorado gathered together after many years to reconnect, fellowship, enjoy God's creation, learn from God's word, and more. What a rich experience! It truly was amazing and hard to find words to describe the deep connection we all felt. I think it is best described as a little taste of what heaven will be like.

We went hiking, white water rafting, bowling, and to some hot springs. We laughed and ate and talked to our friends from long ago. We had deep conversations and fun conversations. We heard how God had been at work in the lives of our friends over the years. I will cherish the memories from this week forever. Katie and Adam, Rosalie and Natalie came with us. We road tripped through Oregon, Idaho, Utah and Colorado and visited the Canyonlands National Park. The "kids" had a great time connecting with people they didn't even remember, and the Lord did wonderful things in their hearts, just as He did in mine.  It was such a cup filling time. And thank the Lord, because we hit the ground running when we got back home. 

The day after we got home, I had quite a shock. I can't go into details, for privacy's sake, but it rocked my world big time. ( I know... I hate it when people do that... mention some thing big that they can't talk about... just makes me want even more to know about it. So I apologize for being that person. 😬) It made me question a lot of things about who I am and have been. Not anything about my faith, just about expectations I have held for myself and others, and stuff like that. 

Thursday of that week, Alicia (Reid's mom) came to stay at our house. She has a slow growing cancer and has appointments in Portland every month or two. She stays with us when she comes up from Klamath Falls for those appointments. We are so blessed by our times with her. She's sweet and so appreciative. She stayed for a week this time, which was great, but the timing was hard, given that paragraph I just wrote about the shock I received. 

Our AC died that week too. Like dead dead. We need to replace the whole unit. It was over 30 years old anyway, but the timing of  course happened to be during the hottest weeks of the summer thus far. (As of this edit three weeks later, we have a couple of quotes, but are probably still a few weeks out from replacement. It's a first world - or as Cam pointed out, an American - problem). Definitely not one of my favorite situations. Definitely not something I can control. I am trying my best to keep a positive attitude about it. :)

During that week, Cameron came home from France! He will be living at home until he gets married in January. And I worried about him not having his own space for his first week home, etc.

And now it's Natalie's last week at home before we make the drive down to Fresno to take her to school. And Rosalie starts on campus school next week. And we have company through Thursday, and Reid is out of town until Wednesday, and we're going to the beach today (Monday), and, and, and... so it goes.

Between travel, school, work and social lives, people in our house are coming and going at such a rate that it's hard to keep track of. Things are happening so fast, and as my recurring theme of posts indicates, life is ever changing and in flux, and that is hard for me. So.... here is what I am learning from it THIS time. (Maybe it's slightly different than the previous lessons I've learned, maybe not, maybe just on a deeper level. I hope so!)

My counselor has been helping me walk through these life transitions.. from stay home mom and managing a household, to working woman and mom of grown young adult children. She has helped open my eyes to the challenges I face in this transition. I'm learning that I have more of a problem with control than I ever imagined. (I kinda prefer the word managing to controlling, but ...🤷. :) ) Anyway,  here's the gist of it. 

    Life is always going to be evolving into some new stage.. ever changing, never the same, not something stable that I can land on. Routine is a bit of a pipe dream, unlike it was when the kids were little and life was more predictable and easier to manage. On some level,  I cannot control my circumstances. I definitely cannot control the circumstances and choices my family members make beyond the extent of my personal involvement required or asked for in any given situation. I only have control over my own choices and responses, where I put my trust, where I find my stability, etc.. So... I need to, want to find my stability and peace in Jesus and Jesus alone. I want to let go and trust Him with all the people I love, all the relationships I have, all the circumstances I face. (Did I mention that Reid had a heart attack in March? While he was in Dubai on a business trip? Talk about being out of my control! That's another wonderful story of God's faithfulness and care, but .. I digress...) GOD is in control. I just need to sit back, relax and watch Him work His amazing ways in everything. EVERYTHING. To LET GO of expectations. To TRUST. and WATCH. and PRAY.  

A Tribute To My Aunt Pam

 My mom's sister, Aunt Pam, went to be with Jesus on September 17th. It was unexpected, sad and a shock. Her memorial service was last Friday, October 29th. What an amazing service it was! She leaves behind a legacy of strength, joy, faith, generosity, love, friendship and music. My aunt, uncle, and cousins shared beautifully about her life and the impact she had on their lives and on the lives of the many people she counted as family and friends. And all 17 of her grandchildren sang a song or two from Wee Sing. Memorial services are hard. But beautiful. And they cause me to reflect on who I am, and what kind of legacy I hope to leave, who I hope to be in this lifetime that will have a lasting impact on my family and friends.

It was fun and interesting to me to hear little things like how she used to wake her kids up by singing "Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory!" I used to wake my kids up the same way when they were young. And how she played her little games.... 10 minutes of tidying up and then a little ipad game or read a page/chapter in a book. Pick up 10 things and then do something for you. My mom played those games too, and I forget to play them sometimes. Those little games make life so much more manageable! 

My Aunt Cindy and Uncle Larry, Pam's siblings, shared stories from when they were growing up, and gave us all some good laughs. :) Something about pushing buttons, and being irritating ;), but how as they went through adulthood, they became best friends. What a treasure.

Aunt Pam had a signature laugh. And she laughed a lot. She had a positive outlook on life, despite living through many challenges and hard things. She found joy and light in the midst of pain, both physical and emotional. I used to clean house for Aunt Pam, and every time, my first hour or so of "work" was a cup of coffee and talking about my family and hers and what we were learning in our relationship with the Lord. Whenever I was worried or sad about something going on in my life, she had a way of reminding me that God is at work, and helped me find the silver linings, the bright spots in the hard times, and encouraged me to find joy in the midst of the trials. 

Aunt Pam was always growing in her faith. She would tell me of the things she was learning, share Bible verses, snippets of books, prayers, sayings and songs that she found profound and encouraging. She would share answers to prayers she had been praying and often we would pray together over our families and the hard things they might be going through. 

Aunt Pam co-authored Wee Sing, a series of children's music books, tapes/CDs and videos along with her friend and colleague Susan Nipp. My kids grew up listening to and watching Wee Sing. At night they would fall asleep to the Wee Sing Bible stories and music. In the car we would sing along to various tapes - Wee Sing in the car was a favorite for road trips. Each day, the kids would watch one 1 hour Wee Sing video for their media time for many years. We had a daily "rest time" when my youngsters no longer napped, and they would listen to a Wee Sing CD (one hour long) and could come out of their rooms when the CD ended. (That allowed mommy a break to either nap or get some stuff done!) And to this day, at least monthly it seems, our family inevitably references a song, or a line from a video from Wee Sing. :)

Aunt Pam was independent and strong. Sometimes to a fault. :) I'll never forget the day I was cleaning and she called to me from her bedroom asking if I could come help her. I stepped into her room to find her on the floor moaning, but laughing. She had tried to flip her mattress by herself (don't know why she didn't just ask me to help her! :)) and had fallen in the process. We had to use her rolling office chair to get her moved to a couch in the family room. I stayed with her until she was settled and my cousin Lindsay was on the way to help out. She just kept laughing and rolling her eyes (with a moan here and there) at her predicament. When I checked on her later that day, she let me know she had broken her foot! Lol! That would not have been my guess based on her reaction! Maybe a sprain or something.... anyway, that was a prime example of her independence, strength and joy in the midst of a painful situation. 

Aunt Pam had been through breast cancer, the same leukemia my mom died from, and a challenging marriage. I know these were extremely difficult things in her life, and at the times she went through these things, I was mostly away in Texas. So I didn't necessarily see how she walked these roads, but I know she was faithful, never walked away from God, and was drawn close to Him in all these situations. And that those walks required great strength of character, depth of faith, and a deep abiding Joy that did not depend on circumstances. Her four kids, their spouses, and her grandchildren are a testimony of her faith, strength and joy. 

As I looked around at all the people attending her service, it struck me what a friend she was to so many. There were people I knew (which just shows how much these people were around and part of her life if I recognized them!) from her high school days, her college days, women from her prayer group of 35 years, her "girls night out" ladies, her business colleagues, who all considered her a dear friend, and friends of her kids, who considered her a mom-like friend. 

Stories of the Beall family's generosity were shared, and over and over I was reminded of Pam's generosity in the lives of people I love and know, myself included. 

So as I reflect on the life of my Aunt Pam, which also causes me to reflect on the life of my mom, I feel incredibly blessed to be part of such a rare and amazing family. My grandparents and their parents before them have passed down a legacy that is worthy of living up to. I hope to carry on the legacy. A legacy of faith, joy, strength, love, friendship, generosity, music, and family.