Positive Perspective Progress

 

The last few days have been very insightful regarding my "let go" theme for the year. I have decided to rename "let go" and call it surrender instead. Somehow that seems to hold deeper, more profound meaning to me. Anyway...

    In my Spiritual Direction class last week, we read an excerpt from "The Holy Longing" about what is referred to as the paschal mystery. Paschal refers to Easter and passover. The death, waiting period, and resurrection of Christ, particularly. But the excerpt dug deeper into the idea that we all experience deaths of many different kinds throughout our lives. There is the physical death of a loved one, the death of a dream or hope, our innocence, our childhood, a friendship, a career, etc..  It talked about how after experiencing any such death, we need to allow ourselves to grieve. To take the time and make the effort to grieve before just moving on. It suggested that if we don't take that time to work through and grieve the loss of whatever death we have experienced, we will only become bitter and angry and unhappy. Especially if we strive to somehow hold on to that which we need to let go, or surrender. The author urged us to acknowledge and experience the deaths in our lives, surrender them (let them ascend to the Father was the wording) and then resurrect into the new, if that makes sense. 

I was reminded of a good model of this from back when my mom died. My dad's pastor gave him a book called Mudhouse Sabbath, which explored Jewish traditions and why they keep them, the benefits etc.. It is Jewish tradition to mourn the death of a loved one for a year. At the end of that year, they hold a celebration of life or some sort of celebration/ceremony, and then step back into life.  Obviously the grieving doesn't go away completely, but a year is a good amount of time to work through it, to allow yourself to wallow, and then to be ready to move forward. My dad did exactly that. He took a year to be sad, didn't do anything rash (well, he did buy a motorcycle and go on a multi state motorcycle trip, since mom would never let him have a motorcycle!😂) At the end of that year, we as a family sat down together, shared some fun memories and funny stories about mom and had a meal together. It wasn't much later that Dad decided it was ok to go out on a friendly date with Mary, and well, the rest of that story is history! :) But, that is a good example of what I am trying to communicate about the book.

It really struck me that when our hopes and dreams of how we thought life would be don't turn out as we expected, that is a kind of death. A death of our hopes and dreams. So.... in my personal reflection and experience of how things are right now, I can totally relate! There are many hopes and dreams I have always assumed would come true that just aren't. To name a few, it would be my grown and flown kids hanging around enough to be together every week or two, living not too far away, being able to help and be involved with wedding plans, as my mom was with me, having a similar relationship with my kids as I did with my mom, etc... now those dreams aren't completely dead, nor are they necessarily not happening with at least one or more of my kiddos. (Trying to be careful here about naming names :) ). And it is my true joy to be experiencing these things with some of them, but there is a sadness where it isn't happening with the others, or where it doesn't look like I imagined it would. So... I have been going along in life being upset at how things aren't, and not moving through grief and coming out the other side, accepting the true reality, and finding new life in the real. Honestly, in a matter of days, my attitude has flipped a bit (I hope so anyway), and I think I can enjoy the real more deeply and in a more engaged way. I was trying to hold on to the dream, and in the process, becoming ... dare I say... maybe just a little bit, possibly, kind of a little bit bitter. Ooph. That was hard to admit. But I think giving myself permission to view it as a death of sorts, and worthy of mourning, provided the way forward to accept what really is, and to see it for the gift it really is. I mean, it's not how I pictured it, but it is GOOD! 

A few weeks back as I processed life with my spiritual director, she asked me to picture my life as a canvas... like.. how would I picture my dream life? I told her it involved a log cabin in the beautiful countryside of Montana, with my kids and their families around, gathering together, grandkids running around playing and laughing, etc.. :) Of course, that's the imaginary dream! Haha! But the gist is there. On the canvas of my life I see my family being nearby, close in relationship with us and with each other, doing life and enjoying life together, having downtime, etc... (like the life I grew up in - with my grandparents down the street, aunts and uncles and cousins in and out of town several times a year, etc..) Then she said "OK, now wipe that canvas clean. Leave it blank. Picture God with the paint and brushes, and let HIM paint that future canvas. You can't picture what it will be, but you can know it will be good, that He is faithful and wants good for us, and that He has a good and beautiful future that He is painting on that canvas for you." This too impacted my perspective on my dreams vs. reality, vs. God's hopes and dreams for me. It's hard to let Him have full reign with the paints and brushes, but He will paint a much better future for me than I would paint. It doesn't mean pain free, suffer and struggle free, but by far better than I can imagine.

Then, yesterday at our all employee meeting, my supervisor shared some of her life story with us. She talked about how she and her husband have viewed every move, every new job, and new phase of life as an adventure. Yes, there was plenty of loss and grief along the way, but perspective was everything! She is such a positive person and that drives her perspective! There's way more to her story - she lived in various places overseas for twenty years before moving back to the US, raised her children to their early teens overseas, etc.. and transitioning back to the US was one of those adventures. 

All to say that her perspective impacted me, especially in light of what I have just learned about the paschal mystery. If you read my blog, you know that the past few years have been full of transitions and changes for me and for our family. At times I feel a bit tossed and turned, just trying to find firm footing and normalcy. But... what if... what if I gave myself permission to grieve the losses, the unmet expectations, the different, the hopes and dreams, then gave them up, let them ascend, and stepped into and embraced the new reality that God has placed before me to live in? What if I viewed these unexpected realities as possibilities, adventures full of potential of living abundantly in the now, in the new, in the real? Sounds exciting! And I'm hopefully ready to embrace and implement this new idea, to grieve the deaths of what I thought would be, and to instead accept and enjoy what is, and to let God use the canvas of my life to create HIS beautiful picture.