Blessings

Last week I experienced something new, something I'd never ever felt before. I felt super draggy. I mean really really super-de-duper draggy. Remember in the movie "Princess Bride" when the hero has been brought back to life and is only mostly dead? He can barely move his head, and if he swings his body around he can make his arms move a little. Well that's how I felt. Or like the wind-up lady on those TV commercials about depression. She gets wound up, walks a few steps and then her winder is done and needs to be rewound. I was completely drained. Every task that needed doing and word that needed spoken sapped me and all I wanted to do was sleep. And it scared me. I thought maybe I was experiencing the "D" word. I didn't want to be or act depressed. All my life I have been my mom's "ray of sunshine" and her songbird - cheery and positive. But there I was, drained like the tub, with all the water sucked into oblivion. It scared me because I was afraid that if I went there, if I admitted I might be depressed, I wouldn't know how to climb back out and be the me that I enjoy and like; the cheerful, positive me.

So one night I sat down to visit with Reid after one of those long, draining days. I told him how I'd been feeling and that I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and how come I couldn't find my energy, and how I felt like the Princess Bride guy. Guess what he said? He said "You're probably depressed. And that's OK. It's part of grieving. It's normal, and yes, you will be able to get out. You are not the kind of person to get stuck there." He let me sit on his lap and cry, and just held me and let me be the me that I needed to be at that moment. I love him so much.

And guess what? Once I admitted I might be a teensy weentsy bit depressed, once I actually said the word, and admitted my fears about that I felt better! Oh - it didn't go away with the snap of my fingers. I wish it would have. It took me several more days to feel better, but I'm not stuck there. I am sad yes. And this happens to be a tough week, with Mother's Day looming. But I'm not feeling so depressed. I know I will probably have times like that, but I'm OK with it now, because I understand that it's part of the process and that I won't be stuck there forever, and that it's OK to use the "D" word now and then.

I titled this "Blessings" because in the midst of this I am realizing how blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I had a wonderful mother and friend for many years. I have 4 precious children. I live in a beautiful land. I have a Lord and Savior who loves me just the way I am. I have a Dad who is an amazing man of God. And my new discovery... I have LOTS of wonderful friends who love me and support me. I mean I always knew I could count on my friends, but relied mostly on my friendship with Mom. Here's what I mean..... I have friends that have quickly, without hesitation, offered to keep my kiddo's for 3 nights so that Reid and I can go to Outdoor School with Katie. (Dad will be out of town that week.) I have a friend who gave me a necklace from her jewelry party just because. (It was on my "wish list" that I left at her house, so she used her bonus privilege to give it to me. Wow!) I have a friend who called me today and asked if I would come over to try her yummy treats and just hang out. I bagged my shopping trip to Target and went over. There I spent time with three friends who hugged me and let me cry, and laugh and talk about whatever. I left refreshed and blessed. And that was just this week! I have lots and lots of friend stories - from taking the kids for hours and hours so I could work on albums for Mom before she died, to bringing meals before and after Mom died, to sending flowers and bringing comforting gifts, to lending a sympathetic ear, to writing letters regularly to let me know there are still friends who are thinking of and praying for us, to offering to help me set up my table for the Spring Tea at church that will be this Saturday so that I don't have to do it alone (Mom would have loved to do this). And of course those who lift my family up in prayer, listen to me whine, share my grief and struggles, and my joys. etc...... (I know I have forgotten some. I sure hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings by not mentioning an act of kindness! Please know that I have appreciated every friend and every nice thing!!!)

Thank you Lord for blessing me with a wonderful family, and so many wonderful friends. Please show me how to be that kind of friend in return.