Loss, Grief, and Hope

I'm not sure where to start with this post, so... I'll just go for it.

My father-in-law passed away last Thursday, early in the morning. He had struggled for several years with prostate cancer, and over the last couple of months had suffered a great deal of pain due to the spread of the cancer all over his body. Praise the Lord that his suffering is over and he is in Heaven with Jesus, feeling no pain, and in fact, full of joy and peace.

Reid and I traveled to Klamath Falls over the weekend and had a good time with his family. We sat with pastor Robin and heard/shared Ed's life story. There were some funny stories, some surprising things I hadn't heard or known before, and some great memories of what a good man he was. He was generous - often to a fault. He was wise, dedicated, loyal, hard working, and cheerful. It's good to remember, laugh, and be reminded of all the good in a person's life. We went through Ed's closet and chuckled at the number of belts, pairs of suspenders, and all the shirts with paint on them. We marveled at some of the treasures we found tucked away in drawers. We laughed some more, shared some more and remembered some more.

In a few weeks, we will travel back to KFalls with all our family, and we will attend Ed's memorial service and spend time with all of Reid's immediate family. Reid will be giving the message at his dad's service. I anticipate a precious time, though a hard one. It will be good to be all together, and to share in this time of sorrow and joy intermingled.

What I wasn't anticipating, was the revisiting of my own loss. (Maybe I should have seen it coming...) There we were, in the same church my mom used to attend with my dad, the church I spent my high school and college years in (and the church I met Reid in! :) ), talking to the same pastor who sat with us and recounted mom's life story when my mom died, receiving hugs from some of the same people who hugged me almost 9 years ago when Mom went to be with Jesus. One pastor's wife said "Kinda brings it all back, huh?" I hadn't yet processed it until that moment, but yeah... it sure does. ( Incidentally, it's the same pastor who married Reid and me 25 years ago, and the same people who have been a part of my life in some way or another since I was 15.)

I haven't felt so... hmm... affected by the death and loss of my mom for quite a while. I guess one never knows what will trigger it, and I suppose this loss of my father-in-law is a natural time to experience it. Usually I just kinda miss mom and wish she could take part in all the happenings of our family life the way she used to. But it seems I am missing her on another level today. I sure miss her wisdom and encouragement, her silly ways and happy spirit. I miss her attention to detail, her love of pretty things, how she interacted with her grandkids. I miss hearing her voice, her handwriting and the notes she used to write. I miss how she loved Christmas time; all the gifts, decorations, shopping, craft fairs, cookies, etc., the joy of the season of Jesus' birth.

I was feeling a bit guilty and selfish to be feeling my own loss while Reid and his family are going through this time of loss, but a friend told me to stop feeling that way. :)  Grief is an interesting thing..and my friend reminded me that none of what triggered my sadness was a coincidence. That God has His own ways and timing for things, and this is another step in my own healing and grief process (even though I thought I was past all that!) I found that so comforting. Thanks, Jillian. :)

This is a rather serious post for what is mostly a joyful time of year. But, I did start this blog as a place to process my feelings about losing mom way back in January of 2010. So what better place to think, to feel, to process? And it reminds me that Christmas can be a very difficult time for many people for lots of reasons. I imagine that joy and fun and family time and all the wonder of this season will wash over my sadness, and truly - I don't usually stay sad for too long,  but I hope to remember this place of sadness, that I may come alongside and bring comfort and understanding to those who find this to be a difficult season.

It seems to me that many people pass away during holiday seasons. I often wonder why, but I think maybe it is God's mercy to us, to surround us with family, joy and celebration during times that could otherwise be even more difficult to navigate. And maybe to comfort us and remind us that through Christmas - the birth of Jesus - came the hope of seeing our loved ones again some day.

This Everchanging Life of Ours

Life is so full of changes! Some of them fun and exciting, some of them hard, all of them good. Yes, all of them are good. The fun and exciting ones for obvious reasons. The hard ones because they cause growth and draw us to Jesus. Sometimes, though, I wish the changes could be a little more spread out. Recently I was talking to my wonderful aunt Pam (Mom's sister) and relating all the things going on in my life, our family life, and I realized that there is a lot going on right now in my life and in the life of the Kisling family! I'm not the greatest fan of change. God uses that in my life a lot. I'm not sure what He's doing this time around, but I'm trying to be patient and wait on Him.

Two months ago, we left our delightful oldest daughter hundreds of miles away at her new college; fresh faced, full of anticipation and excitement and nervousness. Oh what a good, hard day that was! Even harder is the lasting emptiness here at home without her cheerful, loving, goofy ways in and out the door all the time. Oh, but it's so good, too. She is thriving. Loves her school. Loves her water polo team. I am so thankful for where she is. She is loved there, having fun, and doing so well!

This year, Natalie entered high school. So exciting and she has adjusted as if it was no big deal. :) For me, that means no after school buddy, as she is playing water polo along with Rosalie. They leave the house in the morning (Rosalie driving!) at 7:15 a.m. and I don't see them most days until 5:30 or so.  The house is oh so quiet. But they are learning good things. They are learning the benefits of exercise, teamwork, having fun playing a sport, dealing with difficult people at times, and so many other good things by playing water polo (including self defense! Lol! Ever watched water polo? :) )

For twenty years, I have first and foremost been a stay at home mom. I have almost always had some sort of little part time job, but have always made it so that I'm available when the kids are home. Currently, the only little part time job I have is cleaning my aunt's house once a week. Well, other than my ARM Ministries job that I do from home. I had anticipated having more work outside my home this Fall, but things didn't work out that way. With two of the kids out of the house at college, the other two busy all day long, and with Reid being gone most weekdays from 5:30 a.m. until 6-6:30 p.m., I have A LOT of time by myself. Too much time by myself. Between you and me, I think it's causing me to go insane. ;)

Two of our kiddos have been through some hard things in the last couple of months. It's hard being the mama when our kids are hurting. I know - it's not about me, but every mama out there knows what I'm talking about. Hard change. But good, drawing to Jesus change. I pray I am pointing the way to Him, showing them how to turn to Him for comfort, strength and growth.

During the summer, we made a big church transition. We are part of a church re-start, kind of a church plant. That means we left behind our church family of 12 years. It is another of those good changes, and though as I get to know our new church family they are becoming new friends, I miss our family and friends at the other church.

See? So many transitions and changes! Some of them, well most of them pretty significant. And in all this change, I feel a little tossed and turned in the storm, a little lost, a little overwhelmed, a little empty. Oof dah! I don't want to be a whiner! I share these things mostly for myself. Because I know that I am going to look back at this post and see how God was working in each situation, how He was walking me through all these things with grace and love, how perhaps He was using this time to prepare me for something greater. I know He has a purpose for me in this time. Now if He would just show me what it is. :)

Wasn't It Just Yesterday?

Wasn't it just yesterday I held a tiny bundle weighing 6 pounds 8 ounces in my arms in the hospital on a Friday evening and we named her Katie Claire? We noticed how long her little fingers were, and how rosy her pretty little lips were.

Wasn't it just yesterday she jabbered at me in a language only her tiny self understood, from her stroller, telling me all about the pretty flowers she saw on our walk down the street?

Wasn't it just yesterday she and Cameron were playing "bomb squat guys", all dressed up in dark green towels and rugs?

Wasn't it just yesterday she attached socks to her head with a headband and played at being a puppy, lapping up water from a bowl on the floor?

Wasn't it just yesterday (at age 2) she asked Cameron if he wanted to play like they were paleontologists? (Thank you, Ms. Frizzle and The Magic School Bus!)

Wasn't it just yesterday that she stood on the little plastic toddler table in a princess dress, her arms raised high over her head, her wobbly high voice singing her favorite praise song "Lord I lift Your Name on High"? 

Wasn't it just yesterday I sent her off to kindergarten at the little private school down the road from our house in Dallas, Tx?

Wasn't it just yesterday she cried because she couldn't go to a school anymore where she would learn about Jesus? And wasn't it just yesterday she asked kids on the playground of her new school in Oregon if they knew Jesus? (And her teacher brought her books about the baby Jesus around Christmas time because she knew it would mean a lot to little Katie. Thank you Mrs. Senger, wherever you are today.)

Wasn't it just yesterday she brought home that plaster brontosaurus and the clay wolf she made at school?

Wasn't it just yesterday she and her siblings dug rivers in the mud under the trampoline and floated leaf boats down the streams?

Wasn't it just yesterday that she and her siblings made fairies out of moss and twigs, and made them fairy houses under the big tree in the front yard?

Wasn't it just yesterday that she honored her history by doing her Night of the Notables research and presentation on her ancestor Susan LaFlesche, first Indian woman Doctor?

Wasn't it just yesterday she started playing the oboe and did a good job at it? (Too bad she gave that up! :) )

Wasn't it just yesterday she started playing water polo, a tall gangly thing just learning the ropes?

Wasn't it just yesterday she went on her first trip without her parents - to Japan?!

Wasn't it just yesterday she went to Haiti days before we arrived and helped dig and prepare outdoor facilities for the team that was coming?

Wasn't it just yesterday she....
learned to ride a bike... played soccer... made beautiful art projects... went on her first date with a boy... learned to drive... got her license... went to Romania... went to Prom... came in the door most every day after school with a bright smile and fun news from her day...and oh so many more memories flood my mind today, her graduation day. This last school year has been a year of hard life lessons, adventures in college choosing, huge accomplishments, struggle, growth, pain, joy and everything in between. She graduates today with honors...a valedictorian...an honored athlete... but most importantly, a beloved child of God, a piece of my heart, my precious oldest daughter.

Her future is oh so bright! And though I have some sadness in my heart today as I reflect on all she has been, and who she has been and is in our family, I am excited to see what God does in the next exciting chapter of her life. College! In just a couple of short months, she will be off to Fresno Pacific University where she will play water polo and study to become a math teacher, or a P.E. teacher, or both, or something else. :) God will guide and direct her as she explores the world that lies before her. I love you, Katie girl! You may never understand the impact you have had and I'm sure will continue to have on my life and the lives of all of your family. Daddy and I are blessed and proud to be given the privilege of raising you. You are an amazing young lady!

Reminders of God's Faithfulness

Yesterday I took a wonderful walk down memory lane here in blogland. It started as a search for a particular story that I had recorded here in this blog of mine, but turned into an afternoon of pondering, laughing, and being blessed by precious memories. Ok, there may have also been a tear or two. :) There are so many wonderful memories written in the pages of this virtual book of mine. Funny stories, cute kid sayings, fun adventures, hard times, good times. But throughout all, and most importantly, memories of God's faithfulness in all things. As I read, I stumbled across this post... http://momssongbird.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-hard-decision.html. And there it is again. A reminder of God's faithfulness. And not just God's faithfulness in the things we would expect or hope Him to be faithful in, but His faithfulness in providing for our dreams, our pleasures, frivolous though they seem at times.

That post was written four years ago. The saved money has been long gone, resaved, reused for other purposes. The bank bag still sits in my drawer; still collects my cleaning money, and now my Jenteal job money too; still builds and declines, builds and declines. Boy am I thankful for that bank bag and the ways it has blessed our family over and over! (Not to diminish my thankfulness for the way God provides through all of Reid's hard work!) The air miles mentioned in that post were used too. Our whole family got to go to Haiti on a mission trip the following year! What an incredible experience to be able to do that as a family! And just like the bank bag money, air miles have been saved and used, saved and used.

Last summer, we realized that we had once again saved up enough air miles to fly all six of us to Disney World again. So we took a leap of faith, booked tickets and an Air B&B, and hoped the rest of the money for park tickets and food would magically appear. :) We found dates in February where the girls would only miss two days of school if we went for a week, thus avoiding holiday crazy in the parks. We checked to see if Cam would be ok with missing 4 days of college. His response was something like "DUH!". :) And the plans were set in motion. And guess what else?! Reid got a consulting job right around the time of the trip and it paid for those park tickets and food! Coincidence in timing? I think not! God's faithfulness on display once again!

And then it happened! WE WENT TO DISNEY WORLD! I know that some families do this or go to Dinseyland regularly, or go to Hawaii regularly, or travel to other wonderful places regularly. But that just hasn't been our experience, so this was a very big deal. And we had a very wonderful time! At ages 14 (Natalie turned 14 the day we left! :) ), 15, 17 and 19, our kids were such fun to travel with! They got along famously, never complained, enjoyed all the sights and rides from the little kid rides to the roller coasters to the Harry Potter rides at Universal, to the World Showcase in Epcot. I might have to write a private post to myself someday recording all the fun memories, but for now, let's just suffice it to say there was much laughter, many fun experiences, new private jokes made, family time and bonding that will be remembered for always, and more. I thank God that we had to wait four years to make this dream a reality. It made the experience all the more precious. It was so much fun to be there with our older kids. Four years ago would have been tons of fun too, but I truly feel that because they were older, it was much less stressful, and even more enjoyable for all of us. And because I had thought it a dream lost, to have it actually happen made it extra special.

Once again, God made His faithfulness real and known in our lives - even in the frivolous! Thanks, God, for Your gift of a trip to Disney World for the Kisling family. And more importantly, thanks for showing Yourself generous and faithful in a way that the kids (well, all of us) can always remember and look back on when we need a reminder.

Summer Vacation 2016

I'm feeling a little lost today. Yesterday afternoon we returned from one of my favorite vacations ever (except for the fact that Cameron could not be with us.) Most of the time when we've been gone, I am ready to sleep in my own bed again, ready to tackle what things I left undone upon leaving, ready to embrace our home routine again. But not this time. Not this time.

I loved spending hours upon hours in the car with my family. We laughed and sang and talked with funny accents and read books and stared out windows at beauty and relaxed and slept. Every night of this trip except one (two nights in one campground! WooHoo!), we worked together to set up the tent trailer, ate dinner, worked to clean up dinner and set up beds. Every morning we worked together to pack lunches, make breakfast, put everything away, take down the tent trailer and then headed out for the adventure of the day. (And every day, only a few minutes was spent on electronic devices! ;) )

We explored Redwood forests, saw a herd of elk close up, walked the Santa Cruz Boardwalk for an hour or two, visited Westmont College, did touristy things in Solvang, CA, and ended up for the weekend in Pismo Beach for the wedding of a special family friend. I will treasure these memories. The Lord is good. To a person, we all wished it could have lasted longer. Each of us expressed wishes to stay longer with our friends in Pismo Beach/ Arroyo Grande and a strong desire to visit them again in the not too distant future, and to share life with them for a little longer than 2 days. I hope it's a wish that comes true....

Sometimes In Life....

Sometimes in life you have a blog and you don't write anything there for more than two years because, well, because life. And you decide one day out of the blue to write something and choose to ignore all punctuation rules and write in big long run on sentences because sometimes life seems like one big long run on sentence.

Sometimes in life your car has troubles and you take it in to see what's wrong and get an estimate and it's going to cost over $1,000 dollars to have them fix it but your handy husband can fix it for under $50 so you park the car on the street for a few weeks because your handy husband is very busy and doesn't have time for awhile. And sometimes this causes added stress because of all the extra running around you have to do and you realize how much you appreciate having a third car and a daughter who is happy to drive herself and her sisters around most of the time.

Sometimes in life your water bill is $300 more than usual so you realize there must be a leak somewhere and your handy husband calls up his plumber friend who gives up a Saturday to come help your husband find the leak and fix it. And they dig up the one flower bed you actually plant flowers in each year and it's right in front of the house and that's where the new box thingie is going to be and you're a teensy bit disappointed, but hey - they fixed it so you can't really complain. And you are grateful for friends who give and give and give again and a husband who saves thousands because he is handy like that.

Sometimes in life your son calls during the week and there is weariness in his voice and his back hurts really badly and he has other things going on too and he says he's ok and you wish you could drive the 45 minutes to his university to see for yourself in his beautiful warm brown eyes that he is ok and to give him a back rub and a big hug, even though his hugs swallow you up and make you feel small and like he is the comforter. But you don't do that because he is a man now and you need to let him grow and be on his own and turn to the Lord with his struggles. And you will just hug him long and hard the next time you see him. And it's hard. And yet you still give thanks to the Lord because your son is growing into an amazing young man who seeks Him and wants to serve Him.

Sometimes in life you have wonderful daughters who all play water polo and you spend whole weekends at their tournaments and you are so incredibly proud of all three of them that you could just burst and another weekend goes by when nothing gets done at home but you had fun and they had fun and they did things you didn't know they were capable of and it's all worth it.

Sometimes in life your dad has some pretty serious kidney stones and he also has an infection and he spends four days in the hospital and then a week at home in pain until the infection is gone and they can surgically remove those nasty stones. And you consider the brevity of life and vow to spend more time with your dad and loving adopted mom, his wife because even though they seem invincible, you really never know how much time you have left with them. And you thank the Lord because you have such an awesome earthly father that gives you a solid picture of many of the attributes of your Heavenly Father.

Sometimes in life you have a wonderful time at Bible study in the morning and then enjoy lunch with a friend and when you get home your dog isn't at the door to greet you so you think she is either dead or missing. So you look all over the house and the yard and it turns out she is missing so you drive all over the neighborhood looking for her to no avail and so you post a missing dog post on Facebook and then look out the back door and lo and behold there she is on the back step. And you thank the Lord because what would it have been like to lose her unexpectedly and you kiss her and love on her more than usual. And then you have to take her to the vet because she has a huge abscess in her ear and there goes your afternoon. But you are thankful that the vet squeezed you in during a busy day and that she is your neighbor and she's so sweet with your dog and takes care of everything and even brings her home for you and texts the next morning to see how she is. And you thank the Lord for good neighbors who are good friends.

Sometimes in life your husband has a very full plate and he has to grade theses and write a consulting report and do taxes and write a book chapter and take care of graduation at the Seminary where he works and work late into the night several nights in a row. And there's still the car to fix and the new water line to bury under the concrete in the driveway and the lawn is growing wild. And you feel like you are living parallel lives and they aren't really intertwining much but you know that it's just a season and you thank the Lord that you have such a hardworking, faithful, good providing husband who maintains a good attitude even when all this is on his shoulders and he still spends weekends watching water polo even though he has lots of work to do.

Sometimes in life all of this and more that can't be written about is happening in the same time period and you know it is only the Grace of God that is keeping you, and you also realize that others are in the middle of much much bigger storms. But it is Springtime and the tulips bloom bright and the lilacs are glorious in beauty and aroma and the trees are blossoming and everything is green and beautiful and there are hot air balloons in the sky. And the wind comes and the cherry blossoms are like snowflakes tossed and turned through the air to land softly on the grass. And you are reminded that though the winds of life blow and you feel tossed and turned there is a safe place to land - a safe place to rest. "He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." (Psalm 91:4) And you thank the Lord that you are His child and He's got all this and you can rest under His wings.

Merry Christmas From the Kislings!

How I love this time of year! I love the sparkling lights on houses, twinkling Christmas trees in the windows around the neighborhood, Nativity sets, my Christmas mug collection, making Christmas cookies, gift giving, Christmas music and spending time with family. But most of all, I love the month long reminder that we have a Savior, who came as a tiny baby, born in humble circumstances, who later died a terrible death and rose again, that we might spend eternity with Him. Now THAT is the ultimate Christmas gift.

As I reflect on the past year, it mostly seems like a blur with a few highlights! Time seems to go faster and faster as the kids get older. We had quite an eventful summer. We had the amazing opportunity to take our whole family on a mission trip to Haiti! We went with a group from our church—9 kids and 6 adults led a vacation Bible school for 300 kids up in the mountains near a town called Saut d' Eau. All the kids did an outstanding job, and came away with new perspectives and changed hearts. I'm so thankful to the Lord, and to all who helped either through prayer or financial support, for the chance to serve in that capacity as a family, and with the people from our church. I hope we will get to do it again someday. 36 hours after returning home from Haiti, we left on a road trip to Colorado and Wyoming. In Colorado, we picked up a tent trailer that friends of Reid generously donated to ARM Ministries, in our care, for us to use personally as well as in any way for the ministry. What a blessing! We then met in the mountains of Wyoming with Reid's brother Craig and his family and camped and fished for a few days. It was such fun! And SOOO beautiful! It was a welcome respite after our trip to Haiti. Later in the summer, we took our "new to us" tent trailer to Crescent Lake for our annual family camping trip. And of course that was relaxing and fun. My brother Kevin joined us. He's always a lot of fun to have around. :)

Reid has been working at Western Seminary for a year and a half now. He is continually reminded of what a blessing it is to be there. The atmosphere and the people he works with are pretty wonderful. He continues to be involved with ARM Ministries missions organization, and works quite a bit with Pastor Riccardo in Haiti. In his free time (which isn't much!) he enjoys working with our tilapia farm. Yep, I said tilapia farm. :) It's in our garage and is a very small operation, only fingerlings (babies :) ) at this point, but believe it or not, people do buy tilapia fingerlings in bulk. Here in the Northwest, people use tilapia for aquaponics (think, backyard chickens)—growing fish (aquatics) and plants in water (hydroponics) together. The fish waste is fertilizer for the plants that clean the water to go back into the fish tank. It's the ultimate in sustainability and just fits our Oregon location. ;) He's working to build a website for the business called backyardfishfarm.com.

Cameron is a senior this year! I don't even really want to think about it in some ways, but in other ways it's so exciting to see him grow into the wonderful young man God created him to be. He works hard at school, and if all those AP credits work out, will be a sophomore when he enters college next year. Water polo season was awesome this year! The boys team was undefeated in their league and won the state championship! What a way for Cameron to end his high school water polo career! Cameron is involved in two youth groups and co-leads a Bible study/prayer time before school every day. It's swim team season right now, and in the spring, he will be back at playing water polo. He works as a life guard at our local pool, and in his free time enjoys spending time with his wonderful group of friends.

Katie is a sophomore now. She too is a water polo player. The girls team worked very hard this year and did well. Next year they will be a force to be reckoned with as they will have 9 seniors on their team, and several strong younger players as well. Katie is doing swim team and will play spring water polo as well. She plays the oboe in band. She is in her second year of painting class at school and is quite an artist. I'd post one of her paintings, but that is strictly forbidden. :) In her free time, Katie enjoys youth group, likes to read and of course loves to spend time with her friends—one wonderful young man in particular, if you catch my drift ;).

Rosalie is in 7th grade. She is thriving and growing into a confident, though quiet young lady. Playing clarinet in the band is lots of fun for her. The middle school band teacher is a favorite of all, and makes it so much fun for the kids! Rosalie is in her second year of 4-H cooking class, which she loves. It's such a great experience! When Rosalie is not doing homework, drawing or reading a book, she can be found playing with Natalie, or spending time with one of her good friends. She also enjoys youth group at our church.

Natalie started middle school this year! (6th grade) After watching her three older siblings reach this milestone, and spending many hours in the middle school for older siblings' events, her transition was very easy and natural. She loves school, and is thriving. She plays the flute in the band. (Finally one who follows in my footsteps! :) ) She joined Rosalie in 4-H cooking class this year and is really enjoying it. She will often wander into the kitchen while I am cooking and offer to help me, which is a blessing and a fun time for both of us. Natalie likes to play with Rosalie and her other friends, practice her flute, and read. And like the others, she attends youth group at our church. In case you haven't picked up on it, all four kids are in the youth group at our church. They all meet on the same night, so that means.... date night for Reid and I! We have enjoyed many coffee dates in the recent months during youth group hours. :)

The pace of my own life has seemed to pick up lately. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm going to survive these busy years with 1 tween and 3 teens! I'm sure many of you can relate! :) I have three little part time jobs that keep me busy—sometimes more than I would like :)—but I am thankful for the opportunities to earn a little extra money, and to spend time with and serve people. I work for ARM Ministries about 20-25 hours a month, processing donations for all the missionaries. I enjoy this and do it from home, which makes it easy and flexible. I have a new little job—I am a substitute for the switchboard at George Fox University (I answer the main phone line and redirect calls). This has been really fun! It is very sporadic, but in December and January both, I will have a full week of work. I also still clean for my aunt Pam twice a month. We enjoy our visits and I am always so encouraged after spending time with her. I have also spent a little bit of time with my aunt Cindy lately. These two sisters of my mom are such a blessing in my life, and help keep mom alive as we reminisce and often laugh at the memories. On the home front, managing six schedules, cooking and baking for our gluten free/dairy free family, and keeping up with all things "hearth and home" more than fill my time. :) And I truly love it! In my free time, I enjoy women's Bible study at church, coffee dates with my dear friends and sitting down with a good book once in a while.

We hope this Christmas season finds you blessed. We know that Christmas can be a difficult time for many- whether grieving the loss of a loved one, or hardship of another variety. But even in the midst of all circumstances, whether joyful or not, God is good, and we have the hope of a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.