Loss, Grief, and Hope

I'm not sure where to start with this post, so... I'll just go for it.

My father-in-law passed away last Thursday, early in the morning. He had struggled for several years with prostate cancer, and over the last couple of months had suffered a great deal of pain due to the spread of the cancer all over his body. Praise the Lord that his suffering is over and he is in Heaven with Jesus, feeling no pain, and in fact, full of joy and peace.

Reid and I traveled to Klamath Falls over the weekend and had a good time with his family. We sat with pastor Robin and heard/shared Ed's life story. There were some funny stories, some surprising things I hadn't heard or known before, and some great memories of what a good man he was. He was generous - often to a fault. He was wise, dedicated, loyal, hard working, and cheerful. It's good to remember, laugh, and be reminded of all the good in a person's life. We went through Ed's closet and chuckled at the number of belts, pairs of suspenders, and all the shirts with paint on them. We marveled at some of the treasures we found tucked away in drawers. We laughed some more, shared some more and remembered some more.

In a few weeks, we will travel back to KFalls with all our family, and we will attend Ed's memorial service and spend time with all of Reid's immediate family. Reid will be giving the message at his dad's service. I anticipate a precious time, though a hard one. It will be good to be all together, and to share in this time of sorrow and joy intermingled.

What I wasn't anticipating, was the revisiting of my own loss. (Maybe I should have seen it coming...) There we were, in the same church my mom used to attend with my dad, the church I spent my high school and college years in (and the church I met Reid in! :) ), talking to the same pastor who sat with us and recounted mom's life story when my mom died, receiving hugs from some of the same people who hugged me almost 9 years ago when Mom went to be with Jesus. One pastor's wife said "Kinda brings it all back, huh?" I hadn't yet processed it until that moment, but yeah... it sure does. ( Incidentally, it's the same pastor who married Reid and me 25 years ago, and the same people who have been a part of my life in some way or another since I was 15.)

I haven't felt so... hmm... affected by the death and loss of my mom for quite a while. I guess one never knows what will trigger it, and I suppose this loss of my father-in-law is a natural time to experience it. Usually I just kinda miss mom and wish she could take part in all the happenings of our family life the way she used to. But it seems I am missing her on another level today. I sure miss her wisdom and encouragement, her silly ways and happy spirit. I miss her attention to detail, her love of pretty things, how she interacted with her grandkids. I miss hearing her voice, her handwriting and the notes she used to write. I miss how she loved Christmas time; all the gifts, decorations, shopping, craft fairs, cookies, etc., the joy of the season of Jesus' birth.

I was feeling a bit guilty and selfish to be feeling my own loss while Reid and his family are going through this time of loss, but a friend told me to stop feeling that way. :)  Grief is an interesting thing..and my friend reminded me that none of what triggered my sadness was a coincidence. That God has His own ways and timing for things, and this is another step in my own healing and grief process (even though I thought I was past all that!) I found that so comforting. Thanks, Jillian. :)

This is a rather serious post for what is mostly a joyful time of year. But, I did start this blog as a place to process my feelings about losing mom way back in January of 2010. So what better place to think, to feel, to process? And it reminds me that Christmas can be a very difficult time for many people for lots of reasons. I imagine that joy and fun and family time and all the wonder of this season will wash over my sadness, and truly - I don't usually stay sad for too long,  but I hope to remember this place of sadness, that I may come alongside and bring comfort and understanding to those who find this to be a difficult season.

It seems to me that many people pass away during holiday seasons. I often wonder why, but I think maybe it is God's mercy to us, to surround us with family, joy and celebration during times that could otherwise be even more difficult to navigate. And maybe to comfort us and remind us that through Christmas - the birth of Jesus - came the hope of seeing our loved ones again some day.