Gentle Growing Pains

Years ago I stopped asking God for growth in my faith. I did so out of fear and not a good place. You see, every time in my life that I had asked God for growth, some huge, hard growing experience happened. Like when we had to live in Texas for 11 years - far away from all family and all things familiar. Like when Mom got sick and then died. Like when we experienced major church hurt when Reid was let go as a pastor. So, asking for growth became scary, and I just didn't do it. Please don't judge me. ;)

Well, it only took about 9 years for me to get to a point of asking God for growth again. Even still, when I was finally ready to pray for growth again, I asked God for growth, but please, could He just do it gently? God is faithful. :) He didn't have to answer that prayer the way He did, but boy am I grateful for His gentle care of me, and for the growth path He has me on currently. 

I am a person who likes routine. Transitions and change are not my favorite. In fact, I know I have mentioned that before in quite a few previous posts! I have even written the last several posts with that fact in mind! Ha ha! :) The whole last year and a half have brought nothing but transitions and changes, not only in my own personal life, but world wide as well! 

Right now (Wednesday, August 11) our family is in the middle of some pretty intense transitions. As of this very moment, here are all the transitions and all the things going on...

1. Cameron just left on a camping trip with his girlfriends' family and gets back Friday evening. He leaves Sunday for France!! He has been busy with all kinds of final preparations and goodbyes. So any last minute questions I have, things he needs, etc. have to be done now. Also, he has lived at home for the last year, and will leave a big emptiness when he leaves, both literally and emotionally! 😂 (At almost 6'7", he kinda takes up a lot of space :) )

2. We leave Wednesday the 18th (3 days after Cam leaves) to take Natalie to Fresno Pacific University! That situation has been in flux as to what all will be allowed. Originally, there was a whole family orientation day, with dorm move in, commissioning service, dinner for families, etc., and a lake retreat for freshmen Friday - Sunday. But as the days go by and the California COVID restrictions increase again, that has been reduced to letting parents help them move in on Thursday morning, and everything else family related either canceled or moved online. So it feels like our goodbye transition will be really quick, and I'm not excited about that. Also, for the last year, Natalie has been such a joy to me, my gal pal. I will miss her immensely! 

3. Rosalie returned home from Morocco last week. She had such an amazing experience! And she now has another group of close friends all over the place to stay connected with! She is to be the maid of honor in a wedding on August 28th, so as you can imagine she is busy trying to find a dress, plan a bachelorette party, and more. Quite a transition to go from 3rd world country to being in a wedding! On top of all her planning for the wedding, she is prepping to start college at George Fox (first year online) a few days after that wedding, and isn't sure how that will look - live at home? Try to move to Yakima and be near friends? ....so lots of transitions for her! (And maybe be my at home gal pal? ;) )

4. Katie just started a new part time job. She's an "ice cream girl". :) She works at an ice cream shop. She has August off in her master's program, but when September comes, she'll have a full load of classes. (While her transitions don't affect our home life too much, it does limit her and our availability for treasured facetime calls.)

5. Reid has been working full time at his new job, while still trying to finish up 4-5 consulting jobs and tying up a few loose ends at the seminary. He decided in the midst of all of it to take apart our tent trailer to replace the ceiling material so that we can loan it to friends for a trip they are going on. I'm super glad we get to help out our friends, and will be super glad to have the ceiling fixed! It's just that Reid is overwhelmed already, and that added activity added stress - to all of us and in all our relationships (we've had a higher than average amount of "tiffs" in our house lately! ;) - Just bein' real here.)

6. That leaves me... I am one month in with my increased hours at work (32 now instead of 20). Under normal circumstances, without all these extra stressors, it will be fine, I think. But right now it feels like a lot.... also, my coworker has been out last week and this week, so I am covering for her as well, making it closer to 40 hours/week. Again, totally fine normally, but I am barely hanging on with all the other things happening right now. 

(During much of this transition and chaos, my dad has been having some health struggles. He had prostate cancer surgery at the end of April. He was recovering quite well when three weeks later he ended up in the ER with a blood clot in his lung. After a week in the hospital, he was home and doing well again. Thank the Lord! Two weeks (or was it three?) ago, he was back in ER, this time with a blood infection and kidney stones. Another week in the hospital, and all is well once again. I felt inadequate to help, to be there for him and Mary, with all the other things going on. But they are so gracious and loving. I am so blessed by them. ❤)

Now, some people I know can live in this kind of what I would call chaos and manage it just fine. I am not one of those people. Lol! Today, I just about lost it right at my desk. I had forgotten to do something important for a family member, and they were frustrated with me, and I felt like I failed them. And like I am failing at keeping it all together and doing all the things I want to be able to do for people, and keeping all the schedules straight, and at being a good wife and mom. I'm not saying all of this to receive any sympathy. Please don't feel sorry for me. But instead, be encouraged that life just gets real sometimes for all of us, and all of us have our moments, days or even weeks where the world around us seems to be spinning too fast and even a little out of control. And we all fail at things we perceive we should be thriving at. It's ok. It's ok to fail. It's ok to be a hot mess sometimes.  It's ok when life feels chaotic and out of our control. God is still in control, always. He is faithful and will carry us through crazy seasons. And He loves us even when we are a hot mess. :) 

God is teaching me and growing me. In this season there are so many wonderful things happening! And all these transitions are good ones! They do come with some challenges along the way, but they are all good, wonderful things! I am having to let go of expectations (my pastor's wife likes to call expectations premeditated disappointments! So often true!) I am learning to find peace in my God's steadfastness and faithfulness during the chaos and not in my own ability to manage the world around me. (Seems this is a recurring theme for me!😂) Though it is hard, I am learning... slowly and not without hiccups, to lovingly (hopefully!) let go of my kids and let them fly in ways God is calling them to explore the world, their gifts, interests, hopes and dreams. I wish I could say I'm doing it well, and gracefully. It's kinda more messy than I wish, but hey... it's ok. Even though these changes and growth opportunities are hard on certain levels, they are all good and wonderful things! And in that, I see my God being gentle in answering my prayer for gently growing me.